It can be extremely difficult to find the man of your dreams these days. And even still, finding him is the easy part, you’ve got to win him over too. It was once said, “You need to look in the mirror, maybe you’re not your type’s type.” Your friends may not be helpful either. I tend to believe that every group of female friends has a few single by choice, a few single because they’re hopeless, a few in relationships, and a few who say they’re in relationships. A person who over exaggerates their relationships can be such an annoyance. Either they are claiming that the guy is ready to throw a ring on their finger, or they are being taken from sandy beach to sandy beach. Whatever the case may be it’s annoying. But what about that friend who is totally in love with a guy who is really not that into her or not into her at all? This friend is pathetic and in need of an intervention from her real friends.

You can always tell something is headed the wrong way because first impressions mean everything. For example, “He has a girlfriend, but all he does is constantly complain about her to me. I think they are going to break up soon.” is a sure tell sign that she’s about be in an unhealthy situation. You can usually identify these situations because she cannot stop talking about the guy. How great he is, how close they are, all of the fun things they do together, she might even kid around that he is her work boyfriend. Something to convince all of her friends that the relationship is deep and a meaningful friendship exists there. (Read: Rationale for her dependence on him.)

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However, something never really adds up. As her friend, you have never met him. She makes excuses for his “ironic” behavior. For example, she will have plans to hang out with him, so she tells the girls to go on without her, later you call/text to find out that she is staying in. Her “friend” had a last minute emergency and can’t make it. However, these situations always seem to continue to happen. Cancelled dates, no returned phone calls or texts, and as her friend you get the feeling that the relationship is headed one way.

In the chance that you do meet him, he doesn’t seem as into her as she originally let on. She may be touchy feely but he is reserved, quiet, and treats her like a drinking buddy. Read this next part slowly, a guy who is interested in a girl, will be interested in getting to know her friends on at least some level. A guy who shows no interest in meeting her friends… really isn’t into her. If he hits on one of you or another one of her friends, he’s not that into her. Most men are aware that after meeting the friends she will definitely be talking to her friends about you to have a roundtable discussion about you. They won’t want to ruin that.

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Do his actions seem to cause her extreme emotional duress or to act out of character. I had a female friend who whenever her crush didn’t come through she would sit at the bar and get extremely trashed. I was one of few people who knew that he really wasn’t that into her. How did I come to find this out? She got trashed at a bar, started crying, and spilled that she is in love with him… but he doesn’t really care for her. Does she have bouts with depression, or just generally down when she’s not able to get her way with him? If you are the shoulder that she cries on and you notice unhealthy behavior as a result of this guy she is “seeing” it is time you said something.

Sometimes as friends we hate being the voice of reason, but you have to. For your sanity and for her dignity you have to say something about it. There’s nothing worse than always hearing about this guy she’s talking to, whom you’ve never seen. He becomes this unicorn. (Unicorn – a mythical creature that doesn’t really exist.) But there’s also nothing worse than watching a girl spiral out of control over this unicorn. The longer you let her spiral the harder the fall will be. Theoretically, she’s in a relationship with this guy right now, meaning that it will take at least 50% of the time spent in the relationship, outside of the relationship for her to get over him. All of those tears have to be dried by you and her friends, save her now. Lastly, a friend doesn’t let their friend look like a complete idiot.

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There is one thing I know about this situation. Not only are her friends abreast to it, everyone is. And if he is abreast to it, then I’m sure it’s way out of hand. She looks like a retard, and him knowing that she looks like a retard and not doing anything about it is not only cruel but it’s vindictive. In my opinion life is too short to waste time with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with you. It’s better spent with guys who will respect you and show you that they appreciate you, even if they don’t end up falling in love with you. So if your friend is obsessing over some guy the time is now to get her some help. Help yourself, but also help a friend. A real friend isn’t afraid to have real talk.

Dr. J would like to inform you that plenty of you have sat on my couch talking about your “boyfriend” and I realize that he might be your boyfriend, but you’re his jumpoff.