Umm, yeah...Change and sh*t.
I was having a conversation with a friend about what qualities my “ideal mate” would have. At first I was like “I don’t ask for much.” Then I noticed my list began to grow. As I continued to mention qualities that were important, she asked about a couple of things like education and ambition—both of which I figured went without saying. Next thing you know we’re discussing the difference between expectations and desires for a significant other…in a non-sexual way. Then she dropped the gem that spurred me to put together this post:
“I’m not opposed to striving to be my dude’s ideal woman. Growing toward greatness isn’t such a bad thing. Sh*t buckets!”
Aight, she didn’t say sh*t buckets. I just thought it was the perfect time to drop that in there. But anyway, this made the ‘lil hamster in my head take a sip of vodka gatorade and start running on its wheel. Next thing you know, I’m blurting out a gem of my own:
“I think one of the biggest downfalls of most people is their unwillingness to change.”
I specifically chose the word unwillingness as opposed to inability because I believe everybody has the capacity to change. They just don’t want to take those steps for whatever reason. And once I thought of this downfall, I thought of a few other character downfalls or tragic flaws that I believe destroy people’s ability to have a successful relationship.
Unwillingness to Change
I gotta elaborate on this one a bit more. I think the worst advice that women people give their friends is “Don’t change for no man nobody.” This seems to come up a lot in pep talks when things are going wrong or someone recently got hurt. It even comes up in proactive speeches. I think it’s foolish. Let’s be honest. Some people really do need to change for the greater good. I’m not saying a person needs to become a glutton for punishment in an abusive relationship, but sometimes people need to get rid of certain characteristics and/or traits that keep them from experiencing the fruits of their boo-ship. You can change things about yourself without losing a sense of self. Speaking of senses…
Lack of Sense of Humor
Some people just don’t have a sense of humor. I don’t even know if this is something that a person can develop over time. Nonetheless, I think it’s a relationship killer for the average Joe or Josephine. I’ve briefly dated a few women who seemed too serious all the time or they made it a point to laugh on a limited basis. I thought it was me but their Facebook statuses have said single ever since, so I guess not. Hmm, what do 2 people that lack a sense of humor do in the confines of their relationship? *Shutters*
Lack of Ability to Inspire
I believe that when people are in a relationship that they should inspire each other to be better. It seems like such a simple thing, but it often gets forgotten. This doesn’t mean that you need to walk in and give your man or chick a speech everyday on how they can change the world. It just means that your actions (and words) should make the other person want to improve in some aspect of their life. If that inspiration isn’t there in some way or other, consider it a #fail.
So yeah, these are just 3 things that come to mind for me. What do you think of these 3? What are other common or not-so-common tragic flaws that destroy relationships? Do you believe that people shouldn’t have to change for anybody or that they can’t be changed?
Change Ain’t Overrated,
Twitter: @slimjackson Website: www.threewaystotakeit.com
Great post! I agree with all of these. I would add "failure to communicate effectively" to the list. It seems like the unwillingness or inability to express one's feelings is the downfall of a lot of relationships, sometimes before they get off the ground. I know that men typically aren't as interested in long talks about their feelings as women are alleged to be (I'm not either, but whatever), BUT I think effective communication can occur without having a bunch of long, annoying "But baby, I feel…" sessions. People should be open and honest about their intentions, their fears, their frustrations, etc. before those things can destroy a good thing.
I fully agree with you. I learned this the hard way. Too many of my relationships failed because I was involved with men who said they don't like to talk when really it was that they lacked the ability to communicate with me. Or maybe it was that the lacked the willingness to do so. Either way, effective communication is at the top of my list.
Failure to communicate effectively is a really good one. I probably would have added it if the word count wasn't about to become an issue.lol. That may actually be the biggest tragic flaw.
I think lack of communication is one of the biggest downfalls of a relationship.
Also communication must be honest communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Sister Toldja: "I would add “failure to communicate effectively” to the list."
This is probably the primary flaw. Communication will happen sooner or later. The question is do you want to nip the problems in the bud as they occur, or wait until it blows up after months or even years of frustration.
That was one issue in my last relationship. He wanted to wait until things got to the boiling point, when I wanted to deal with the situation when it first occurrred.
Both parties must be willing to communicate effectively.
Hugh Jazz, What cha been doin'? I miss your erudite contributions….we must chat more often.
Interesting post. I think it's possible to change some things about yourself without losing yourself, but there are some things that, when taken away, take away who you are. A couple of examples: career goals changed to please your parter, family relationships worsened because of loyalty to a partner, turning your back on your favorite music or type of music because you're always around your partner and they hate it.
Basically anything that you would pull back to you with mach speed as soon as a relationship is over are things that perhaps shouldn't be changed. Shouldn't you love someone for who they are?
On the other hand, there are some things worth changing. For example, the guy I'm seeing right now is super cuddle-y and PDA-loving. I'm not at all, but cuddle, hold hands, and public kissing I do because it matters to him.
But I do agree with the other two. 🙂
A dude that is super cuddley and PDA in the streets? I wonder what he looks like…certainly not any of my friends.lol.
Another major one for me, and somewhat related to the ability to inspire, is the ability to bring something into the relationship and my life. A complement of sorts. I dated this guy where I felt like I was dating myself. He never introduced me to anything, never planned anything. Took me to the same three restaurants or we hung out at his place. If we ever did anything it was because I suggested it. I begged him to let me know what he wanted to do and his only response was "to be with you." I can't be with someone who is unable to show me new things. A little imagination goes a long way.
Lack of Ability to Inspire <—- HUGE!!
This has to be this biggest factor to make me dry up like the Sahara. I get off on ambition, drive, motivation and inspiration. I want to grow with a man…change his perspectives for the better and he change mine.
Slim, I think your 3 points are spot on. I would also add Inability to be Selfless (or Give Yourself Up 100%). There are just some people who won't or can't do this and the TRUE relationship is never materialized.
The latter two I agree with 100%, especially the sense of humor!
Change ? (Oh here it is in the file right before "Submit" LOL)
Ok, it is important to be willing and able to change but I don't think it's appropriate to change "for" a man/woman – because changing "for" another person will only result in reverting back to your old ways if the relationship fails. If there are legitimate, realistic changes that need to be made, they may be inspired by your SO but it's important for the person making the change to believe that it is truly needed for their own personal growth regardless of the relationship – the change shouldn't be made solely to satisfy your SO, it should be made because you recognize the need – that way even if it doesn't work out the change and benefits of the change stick, instead of you feeling like you gave up a piece of yourself unnecessarily.
I think changing for yourself and for someone else can be intertwined. For instance and I hate to use this example but,
A man doesn't go to church at all. His boo does. Eventually he sees how much it means to her and he decides to start going with her. He may not feel that particular church, but he finds himself spiritually thereafter and they're able to connect on a level they weren't able to connect on before.
He initially changed his habits because of her, but in the process it made a bigger difference for himself.
I agree they can be intertwined and that is perfectly acceptable, it just can't be 'cause they think/say it needs to happen and you don't really see/believe that it does.
The problem is the things people usually want to change in their SO's are things that are very difficult to change – going to Church or even quitting smoking are easy (not easy-easy but YKWIM…) compared to making changes to serious personality flaws or ways of thinking that may not even necessarily be wrong but that are engrained in us.
It's hard to change yourself even when you WANT too, I'm not up for the task of tryna change somebody else…that's just impossible – I'm open and honest I'll tell what about them might bother me but it's up to them to make the decision as to whether they want to change.
"It’s hard to change yourself even when you WANT too, I’m not up for the task of tryna change somebody else"
~Amen
'The only certainty in this life is change' #Truth… so unwillingness to change just goes against the natural order of things #disaster
people need to laugh…cos there is just too much cr@p in this world…most times you need to be able to turn to each other, recognise what's important as just that and laugh the rest off….beside laughter is tonic for the soul…a little a day goes a bl**dly long way
i think people should also learn to let go and enjoy things as they are/ for what they are…learn from the past but dont cramp or kill it with baggage from past relationships….a new experience and / or a new relationship is just that #LiveIt #LiveLife
I agree 100%…But I do feel in order to change one has to be inspired to "want" to change. Also, if that person is mentally on that level to want to commit when a good man/woman comes along change will be inevitable. I think it's often too confused that he/she doesn't know how to keep something good. When it's more of a situation were he/she isn't ready for that situation. I think relationships take a lot of responsibility. Sometimes people don't realize that and feeling get huts, or even wasted b/c they were misused on the wrong people.
Two more qualities that I would add to your list would be – confidence and conviction. The desire to act on what you want in life and not being afraid to say f*ck it! I love drive and ambition but I want to see actions.
Selfishness. That's my big one.
I've learned the hard way that this is a relationship killer. Even if you are a truly selfless, give til it hurts kinda person, being with someone who only cares about having their own wants and needs met will suck out your life force quicker than a Real Housewives of Atlanta marathon.
Inflexibility – someone who refuses to broaden his horizons, open his mind, or consider anyone's perspective but his own.
Score-keeping and Withholding – someone who continually keeps track of what he's done or given in comparison to what their partner has done or won't give or do something for their partner because they don't want to give up the upper hand.
I find that score-keeping happens in relationships where arguing is just a way of life.lol. I've def been there and don't ever wanna go there again.
Inflexibility – someone who refuses to broaden his horizons, open his mind, or consider anyone’s perspective but his own.
co-sign. Both my mom and coach told me that I'll end up hurting myself if I'm not flexible.
I fell victim to scorekeepin,and I stayed losing, lol. When the relationship turns into a "I cant wait for the opportunity to throw this in er face" type thing, it's time to ABORT!
I think going into a relationship EXPECTING someone to change is a fatal flaw. I witnessed it firsthand in my own marriage. My husband told me he knew there were some things about me that he didn't like.."but I thought you were going to change"…really? While he was so busy trying to change me to fit his ideal woman image…..he was destroying our relationship. I even tried for a second to be what he wanted…but it wasn't ME…but everytime I did try to change…he would switch to something else he didn't like……I was jumping thru so many hoops it wasn't even funny…..
I get where you are going with the post…but, speaking from my own experience…its just better to accept people the way they are..flaws and all. Generally speaking, people don't change all that much..their ideals, morals, personality traits, etc…..you are who you are.
If you find there is something you don't like about a person…and if its a deal-breaker for you…then its best you probably move on to the next one…..
that is all.
I completely agree with you…It brings to mind something my friend's mother said to me about relationships and expecting someone to change. "If you see something in someone in the beginning and you don't like it, decide whether you can deal with it. If you can't then leave because it's not going to get better, it's just going to get worse." She told me this one day during the time she was going through a divorce after being married for about 30 years.
I'm of the mindset that no matter what the reason that people do not change whether it's because they can't or refuse to doesn't matter because people generally can't be something other than themselves for very long. If there are small little changes that you make to adjust to having someone in your life, that's different. But then again, if they are that small they are not (or should not be) deal breakers in your relationship. As for expecting someone to change who they are because of you, you run the risk of being in a lot of failed relationships or being very unhappy in a relationship.
I am with you 100% Queen. I meet so many women in my coaching business who have tried to Change their man and tried to change for their man only to find that neither works.
If you go into a relationship wanting to change something about your honey, you are setting yourself up for a fall!
My coaching for men, women, & couples is to get clear about who you are, share than with your partner or potential partner and then give the partner the opportunity to choose.
The thing is you have to choose the person EXACTLY as they are right now as if they would NEVER EVER CHANGE. Stop settling for "almost" hoping that it gets to perfect.
As for the sense of humor, humor is subjective. I don't find Medea very funny, but I love Seinfeld! It all goes back to knowing who you are and then finding a match!
Regarding the ability to inspire. I assert that being supportive of your partner's passions and goals is a CRUCIAL part of being in a relationship. I however look for inspiration from God. I don't look to my honey to be inspiring, but I do look to them to keep me aware of why I do what I do everyday and cheer me on as I'm fulfilling on my destiny.
..well said, Afro Diva.
That lack of communication and being unable to give 100% in the relationship is huge. Can't front……in past relationships I've only given about 75% and that other 25% was kept to myself cuz for real, I was lookin for it outside of the relationship.
Everything else though in the is spot on cuzzin.
SMH … you CAN NEVER change a person. They must change because they want to, not because you want them too, the harder you try, the harder they resist.
If you are trying to change the person you're with, you're with the wrong person!
If you need to change yourself to be with someone, you're also with the wrong person.
"If you need to change yourself to be with someone, you’re also with the wrong person."
I don't know if I agree with you on this one Nick. Sometimes changing for your partner can be a good thing. For example, I'm a smoker. A few years ago I was involved with a man who could not tolerate it. At all. He gave me an ultimatum: quit or he was out. So I quit.
Now I know that smoking is nasty and all that and quitting is something I should have done anyway, but the fact is I changed what was a pretty fundamental thing for me solely because it was important to him. But it was a change the benefited me as well.
And the fact that I later started again is completely irrelevant to my excellent point. 🙂
@ Max
"And the fact that I later started again is completely irrelevant to my excellent point." HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA damn damn damn!
Girl, I have smacked my head on pavement after falling off the smoker's wagon a few times, lol. Gotta keep trying til you get it right….
Eff all that. Gimme a carton of parliaments and an oz. There's a hole in the ozone layer people. We're all gonna die anyway. Do it happy.
@ LexSteele…
Damn.
Consider that if you had quit for you and not for him, you may not have started again!
I agree with you that sometimes the changes that our partners want for us are in our best interests. There are always good reasons to change or give up bad habits. However until you get clear on why you do them in the first place, its only a matter of time until you fall back into the old pattern.
This is one of the reasons many relationships don't go the distance. We want so badly to be with someone we are willing to jump through all sorts of hoops and contort ourselves to fit their ideal. The thing is, at the end of the day, week, month, year, decade, our true self will return and when that happens, the honeymoon is over. If we make it a point to go into relationships as our true selves and we pick partners based on their true selves, we don't have this problem. It starts with taking the time to get to know yourself and if you find ANYTHING you want to change, do it for yourself and the rest of the world just gets to benefit from it!
I liked this post a lot. I think that your points were very valid and while that first one will probably spur some debate today….it's probably from those same women giving that "don't change yo'self for nobody" advice…and the bigger point will probably get lost.
I think that your first point and third point go hand in hand. Being with someone who makes you better (cue the Ne-yo and Loso) means that in some ways you will change. And if you are that resistant to change then you are probably resistant to growth and you can kick rocks. It's never a bad thing to change some things about yourself for the better. If your mate pushes you to be less of a b* and have a better attitude and outlook on life…what's wrong with that? (unless of course you pride yourself on being this evil person) Changing things like the way you dress or how you look is something of a different nature, but when someone makes you want to be a better person…change should come naturally.
The inability to meet somewhere where they are and work with them goes along with the ability to inspire.
There are many things that I've made changes to for the betterment of our relationship. Once I stepped back and took responsibility for what I was doing and frankly stopped lying to myself about my faults, our relationship got better BUT I was willing to change because I knew what we had together was more important and I was responsible for my actions.
Honesty is painful and it's hard to talk truthfully without someone catching feelings but it's imperative to sit down with one another and talk about the things that bother you. Granted, it's hard as hell to not take it as criticism of who you are and you have a choice, either look inside of yourself and see where you've contributed to the "problems" and admit fault or you don't; your relationship either grows or stagnates. You decide what's important to you.
Sitting down and listening (without forming an argument before your partner is even finished talking) ain't easy (LAWD it AIN'T), but you have a choice and no this isn't just about what's "wrong" with you. If your partner/SO/Spouse is coming to you about some things that are bothering them, talk about it. It's not about changing YOU, it's you making a change of how you do things with regards to your relationship. I'm still me stubborn, opinionated difference is now I don't argue every little thing down to bare bones because it wasn't helping anything and since I've made a conscious effort to not do so, I've noticed how he responds to me. He's not as defensive and talks to me more about things and asks my opinion more about about what decisions he should make, etc.
We're not perfect but it's waaaaay better than what we were and we're still making an effort to stop (or at least lessen) automatic negative reactions to things the other has said or done. We try to hear each other out before we give an opinion….it's hard as hell you hear me but we believe it's worth it.
Um so yeah, didn't mean to write this much but it is what it is, lol.
All three are absolute deal breakers…no doubt. #2…sense of humor? It never ceases to amaze me how many people I encounter that DON'T have one! I'm a clown 24/7… and unfortunately I have a tendency to laugh at very inappropriate times (I'm just sick that way). It's truly painful for me to be around someone without a funny bone…they're about as exciting as watching paint dry.
My kinda girl
My SO definitely calls me a grown ass kid b/c I laugh at everything. When we first got together she was a bit rigid but she's definitely loosened up
LOL…you rubbed off on her…good for you!
"LOL…you rubbed off on her…good for you!"
#pause
Uhhmmm…yeah…about THAT! After I read it…I thought damn…that doesn't sound good at ALL! Well..actually…damn…there I go again. Just forget it! LOL
Don't feel bad, I've learned that most people are "sick like that" myself included – and the inappropriate isht makes for THE BEST laughs
It DOES doesn't it?! My problem is that once I start the inappropriate laughter…I can't stop it. LMAO!!!! Soooo embarrassing.
Loves the post! Loves it, Loves it! My girlfriends and I actually got into a heated debate about some things a long the lines of your post, especially the unwillingness to change. I'd just like to add trust. The lack of trust is a major flaw that destroys a relationship. Trust is the ability to believe confidentl yin the honestly and reliability of someone else, in this case your significant other and a lot of have a serious problem with trusting. But I look at it like this, your mate is a reflection of you. He or she is a mirror image of yourself so if you don't have any trust in them what are you saying about yourself? I'm just asking.
But I look at it like this, your mate is a reflection of you.
I agree with this only some of the time. This is people are largely reflections of their own experiences and SOME of the those experiences my or may not involve you. Think of the case of where a man does something that violates the trust of the relationship yet the relationship continues. Now the lady doesn't trust him (and he might not trust her anymore strangely), THEN his mate a reflection of him/his past. However, once the relationship (truly) ends (and they always do), she may have trust issues that extend to all her relationships thereafter: transference. Happens all the time.
I can say that the refusal to change is the absolute #1 determent to happiness in relationships … in my opinion.
No one needs to lose their sense of self for another person, but no one is perfect. If they aren't perfect, then there is room for improvement.
I think the key to me being able to keep any other human being happy is by getting to know them and learning to adapt to them.
Change is also one of the main premises of the 5 Love Languages.
What are other common or not-so-common tragic flaws that destroy relationships?
pride. This kills love and relationships. Not saying people shouldn't have pride in general… You should take pride in your relationships and you should have enough pride to know when to walk away from them. But you should never have so much pride that you can't take responsibility, apologize, or humble oneself.
Do you believe that people shouldn’t have to change for anybody or that they can’t be changed?
People change themselves. Everyone else is either a bystander, helper or hinderer. People can call themselves changing for whatever cause/person they want, but only rarely are they actually changing for that reason. They're mostly changing for themselves and they recognize the simultaneous benefits in the context of a relationship.
With that said, people should change because they desire a type of interaction or outcome for themselves. Not just because someone said they should for them. Especially, if there's a personal disincentive for them to change (other than the fact they might not desire change).
Oh pride is a big one that I can't believe I left off my list.
I see this one all the time – people who can't humble themselves and admit that they care, people who are too proud to apologize when they've done wrong, people who are too proud to make the compromises that are often required in a relationship.
Yes…excessive pride… smh
Workin OT this week so ya'll probably won't hear much from me 🙁 BUT… I had to stop in to say kudos to the post. Loves it.
It is not about going into a relationship trying to change someone (or being a changer), but being willing to change if you (the changee) sees the change may be for the greater good.
Good post Slim…
Co-sign all 3 points. It is possible to change without losing yourself. However, a person should be willing to accept their partner as they are and not demand or suggest change that is contrary to who that person really is. Now, if your boo has real character flaws, like lying, then he definitely needs to change. Though, I would suggest not dating a liar if he isn't already working toward change before you get serious relationship.
And co-sign whoever said ineffective communication. That could be #1 on the list.
Please forgive any mis-spellings. On my black"baby"berry.
I blogged about this last week. A person shouldn't go into a relationship expecting the person to change to fit a pre-conceived criteria. Now, yes, we should all want to do better. We should want to be with someone who inspires us not demand of us.
I totally agree.
I think when you get into a relationship, you should be accepting of your partner as a worse case scenario. What I mean by this is that this is the worse that your partnet will be, he or she will not make any changes for the worst and any changes made will be for the best. This means that you're fine if your partner doesnt change but there are somethings that could change
That's what's up.
Sup ppl? My thought:
Point number two is spot on. This is by far the biggest issue I've come across when dating women. Hell, I think most people out here, men and women are that way.
To them, making any change of any kid is automatically equated with weakness. "I'm not going to let anybody change me." Failing to realize that anything in your life worth having (people included) require some kind of compromise (e.g. "change").
But I think this is the byproduct of the new "doing me" generation. Take from that what you will.
-B
Best SBM post I've read to date…..I always told my shorty I wanted her to be the best she could be. I would say all 3 of these qualities were something I kept in mind. However without honor, trust and loyalty none of this is possible.
Loyalty nowadays is a whole different animal. That may be my post for next week.
That would be interesting to see.There would be as many definitions for loyalty as there are responses.
Loyalty is the most underappreciated trait out there..
i'm so loyal, it sucks being me sometimes..
especially when the Dolphins are playing…
these are three really good points!
I actually am a proponent for change. I tell my girls all the time you can't use "this is the way I am" as an excuse for sh!tty behavior. its not right, fix it, or be alone. or at the very least get called out on it. same goes for me. I have some unsavory ways but I acknowledge them and try to change them…sometimes. lol
as for sense of humor I have never met a person that didn't have one. I know I can be serious at times but I looooove to laugh. I tend to befriend ppl with dry humor, or those that just speak truth but their way of doing so is hilarious to me. I dunno. I have never met a person that doesn't laugh at all. *shrugs*
Inspiration is very important. I don't really have anything to add because I think it may be the most important of all listed.
good post.
Cosign. That's all I have today.
Oh, and welcome to all the newbies!
Seven, what's up with the pic? I compliment it, and a few hours later you change it back? I'll try not to take it personally.
I believe this site automatically changes pics. the one I see now–if I come back to the site hours later it has my old pic up.
I notice it for a few other commenters too. its strange.
Seriously? well that SUCKS because I didn't change it! LOL wth??? hmmmmm I need to investigate this matter hehehehe
Great post. I did not read all the comments but I have three things in which came to mind for me…..
One being consideration. I feel like ppl ought to notice what their mates do for them sometimes the little things have a bigger impact than you think to notice so just being aware of that makes a difference.
Lack of communication #nobrainer
and unselfishness that goes with your unwillingness to change Slim. I feel that is the ultimate break up factor ppl are too consumed with themselves and believe anything that is different or new will harm their pride or dignity. Being in a relationship involves two and means you might have to make some sacrafices which in the end isn't for the worst. I just feel everyone need to be more open it will make your life & relationship with your S.O. a lot better.
=)
if the point is valid, then i have no problem changing if it's within reason.. but i need the boo to understand that i've had a lot of practice with said habit, so BEAR WITH ME!!
and it wouldn't hurt if it was something that i realized i wanted to change in the first place.. then the fact that the boo brought it up too is an added incentive..
i think lack of ambition is a problem.. you can't rely on me to get you fired up enough to go and get what you want out of life..
don't get me wrong, i'm your biggest supporter, but i'm working hard trying to make my own dreams come true.. i don't want to have to get the energy everyday to give you your morning pep talk".. buy a Tony Robbins DVD..
i was with someone that had a different dream every week.. and went for none of them.. he would get all excited, get his family excited, then 2-3 weeks later, you'd ask him about it.. and he had an excuse.. one morning i just woke up and was like "i can't be with you.." not only that, but after a while, people will stop listening.. because you cried "wolf" so many times..
now, he lives with his momma.. no car, no job.. and no degree.. yet he wants "someone to love me for me.." WTF!?!?! maybe in utopia…
#keepdreaming
this is a good post bruh. i used to be like many people in that i had idea that "i am who i am and i'm not going to change for anyone." i felt that if a woman really wanted to be with me then she would accept me for who i am.
i took maybe 2-3 failed relationships for me to realize that's not to way to function in a relationship. naturally over time people should change anyway. no one should ask you fundamentally change who you are. when in a relationship the person should want you to change things about your self for the better. if they dont, then you probably are with the wrong person.
for example: i used to have really bad communication problems. not just in relationships but in my everyday interactions with people. when people used to upset me or make me mad i just shut down. i didn't speak about what was bothering me. you can imagine how bad this went over in my relationships. it took me a while to realize that by doing that i was just compounding problems. i had to change that about myself. i wasn't changing who i was but something about myself that probably was for the best.
humor is a large part of a relationship. i love to laugh. i love to joke. it makes me happy. if i can't joke around with you then we probably won't make it.
Another great post!
Brings to mind one of my favorite quotes: “A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.”
😉
this is a really excellent post. wish i had written it, dangit. lol.
anyhoo… i think numero 3 is golden only because i've been in an uninspiring relationship and it's the absolute PITS.
if i make you want to better yourself and you make me want to kill my/yourself, let's just say we're unequally yoked. yikes.
glad that's over.
I view the "ability to change" one as an ability to grow. When you're in a relationship, you need to grow with your SO and that means changing, but not changing from one way to another, but progressing from one level of development to another. It's healthy and necessary if your relationship has any purpose to it.
I do think there are core things that never change about people and core needs that are essential to that person's self-identity and happiness and expecting those things to change just because they're with you now is naive. I only say this because I've been in the "maybe he'll/she'll change if I try hard enough" situation enough to know.
When I finally got around to commenting on this post it had 69 comments, ironic.
#2 – Sense of Humor – Overrated, a lot of you guys claiming you want a chick to have a sense of humor, so she can laugh at your unfunny jokes. That's called a hype man. And on the other hand, I know every dude has dated and wasn't really upset he was dating an aloof chick. And you know that involved explaining jokes to her that went over her head. Was she bad, bow legged, light skin, cute face, slim waist….? Yes, so you didn't care. I actually know a chick right now that every dude on this post would wife down in a minute, she is not dumb, but she is aloof. Mad dumb reggins mistook that to mean she was just really stuck up, because pretty people can't be aloof. She told me, "But Jay, I didn't know why everyone was laughing!"
But to summarize what I would like to say is the most tragic flaw of any relationship, you can find it in this quote: "Ask not what your country can do for you–ask what you can do for your country." – JFK
Yes, the biggest flaw is people look at relationships/marriages as what that relationship can do for them. They look at it with a list of requirements of things their partner must have. You need to examine your relationships from what you can bring to your relationship and what you can do in your relationship. (And this shouldn't be in comparison to what you receive either. For example, I bring this to the table, so you should bring THAT.)
I love, love, love to laugh. I laugh at myself, with others, and many times, at others. I just laughed at a guy whose passenger side bumber was torn from the body of his car and hanging close to the street. He made a right hand turn on a low curve, and the noise the bumper made as it scraped the street made me laugh. "Lord, some of us black folks drive what we can. Don't we?"
Change is inevitable. It takes a mighty poor wind that refuses to change directions. What change adds to my life is growth. All change isn't good change, but the experience is always a learning experience though.
As far as the ability to inspire…Wow! How dare a person walk into an establishment without making it better. Raise the bar. If things are good, make them better. If things are better, make them their best! Let someone realize that your presence made a difference.
I’m not opposed to striving to be my dude’s ideal woman. Growing toward greatness isn’t such a bad thing. Sh*t buckets!”…
I do believe that change is crucial to anyone’s growth but the desire to change should come from within. When you change in order to better yourself, it’s real. Dude’s ideal woman and growing towards greatness are two different things. What he may perceive as great may not be what I should strive to be.
Funny. I discovered this website just now. Imagine my surprise at leaving comment no. 70+
Two sure relationship destroyers are unforgiveness and selfishness. I really can't elaborate here but if you have those two present in a relationship, it would be a wonder if it lasts beyond 1yr.
An unwillingness to empathize will kill a relationship.
If you're in a relationship, don't do something you don't want done to you. Shit, that's just good advice for life.
“I’m not opposed to striving to be my dude’s ideal woman. Growing toward greatness isn’t such a bad thing."
I wholeheartedly agree w/ this statement.
Ppl will miscontrue it as someone who's weak & will do anything for their S/O despite their very own feelings but it only means that one is secure enough w/ themself to improve in an area that could use some improving.
E-hugs+Kisses for this post!All 3 of those things have severely impacted my previous relationships. I'm only 22 but I've ended a thing or 2 or 3 or 4 over some variation of the previouly stated tragic flaws