**** Admin Note ****
Today we welcome back Wisdom is Misery.  Remember you can find a whole library of his entertaining posts at WisdomIsMisery.com.

– SBM
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"By avoiding eye contact, he is sure to know I like him!"

LADIES, men don’t read signs. And even if they did, historically men are bad at asking for and following directions. Although everyone knows we are far better at giving directions than a woman, because every man has had a woman tell him something is “right down the street” four hours into a “quick run.” But I digress.

I was talking to a good friendgirl of mine the other day and somehow we got on the subject of some guy she liked, but she didn’t understand why he hadn’t approached her after all the “signs” she’d given him. I asked her for examples and she said something like: “Well, I smile at him a lot, I give him extra attention, and I flirt every chance I get.” At this point I let out a deep sigh.

I’m going to tell you like I told her: YOU’RE AN IDIOT.

Ladies, when it comes to men “signs” will leave you nowhere but LOST, SINGLE and ALONE. If you want a man to know you like him, the only way he’ll TRULY know is if you say these exact words: “[insert his name here], I like you.”

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It is a scientific fact that men do not perceive signs the same way women do, especially emotional ones. Naturally I’m not talking about any of the lovely ladies reading this very sentence, but let’s take it to chuuch: look to your left, now look to your right, THOSE women are F.N. it up for errrybody by heave hoeing all kinds of fake-fraudulent- failed-I-just-wanted-some-attention-so-I’m-going-to-mess-with-this-guy’s-head signs into the game.

For example, a woman called me up one Saturday around 4am-ish. I was asleep. The phone call, however, woke me up. I checked my messages and here is an edited for all audiences version of what I heard:

“W.I.MMMMMM! Wherrrre arrrrre youuuuuu?!? I so want to come over there and [milk and cookies] till you make me [milk and cookies] with your [milk and cookies] then we’ll [MILK and cookies, milk AND cookies, MILKKKKK AND COOOOOKIESSSSS!]”

By the way, I can guarantee you nothing she said had the least bit to do with milk OR cookies! Therefore, the “signs” seemed pretty clear. But as is often the case when it comes to men trying to understand women – I was COMPLETELY AND UTERLY WRONG!

Not knowing the error of my ways, I called this woman back with great haste! I’m talking to her while hopping around the room pulling my jeans on because I’m thinking it’s business time – and do you know what she said to me?

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Neither do I! Because it was so dumbfoundingly insane I blacked out. I remember it had the theme of something along the lines of “What kind of girl do you think I am?”

Look ladies, I don’t know if you know this – but ALL OF YOU ARE INSANE. Every man everywhere has been in or at least had a boy who runs off to meet some woman who has lied her a** off led him to believe that he will be having guaranteed s*xual relations with her. Yet when you ask that man, “What happened last night?” Through eyes glazed with bewilderment and frustration he gives you some long winded story that with tragic frequency ends with the words: “…but then she started acting funny.”

At this point, there is no need to explain further because “she started acting funny” is universal man slang for:

“Pardon my rudeness and elevated tension levels this morning fine gentlemen, but I’m not sure what took place last night or the circumstances that lead to its tragic finale. Nevertheless, s*xual relations were not favorably acquired or presented to me in the manner or ease in which I was lead to believe prior to making the expedition to be with said woman. The very same woman, I might add, who led me to reach the conclusion that relations would without a doubt be taking place in the first place. This has been a most disconcerting experience. Therefore, I am most vexed, quite perplexed and must rest before thine head doth explode all over your non-pretreated furniture. Please excuse me.”

So ladies, for the love of God, if you like a guy or if you want a guy to say or do something JUST FREAKING SAY IT because men DO NOT understand women, at all, what-so-ever. Any man that says he does is a liar or a fool or both. When it comes to women, there is only one type of signal women consistently give men:

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THE WRONG ONES!

– W.I.M.
@WisdomIsMisery