People ask me sometimes why I don’t go to church all that much, or why I’m not the most religious person in the world and I reply to them, “I really just don’t think that anyone knows God well enough to tell me how to love my God. If he’s supposed to be mine, what does anyone else have to do with that?” That doesn’t mean that I don’t believe in a higher power. With that said, I believe in my heart that if it wasn’t but for the grace of God, I would not be here today and I thank the Creator for granting me another year.
Uh, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way; it’s a new year on Single Black Male and we’re getting bigger and better this year. It’s a new year for the Black man in America. Much has changed since we last celebrated a New Year, therefore, our challenges are different but our charge is still the same. Although, the way we will do it will be different, we must continue to do any and everything in our power to keep it pushing around here! With that said, here are the 2011 Brother’s New Year Resolutions:
My goal this year is to keep it real, so let me keep it real, numbers count and they mean something. A lot of people need to stop lying to themselves and start being real. The reason why we’ve let this numbers game slide so much is to affirm ourselves in our own actions that shouldn’t be condoned. It’s not about how many people you slept with, but it is. Men need to be honest with themselves, we don’t want to date a woman who’s slept with nearly as many women as we have. And I’ll tell you why, because we don’t want to sleep with ourselves, or marry ourselves. It’s the same thing as how men love their mom, but don’t want to marry their mom. We love ourselves, but we don’t want to marry ourselves. Therefore, we’re not trying to marry a chick who slept with 20 men in one year, even though we slept with 30 women in one year. I’ll keep it real, my safety is at risk and my reputation, and on one hand, I know that many a nights I put my reputation on the line f*cking around with some women I shouldn’t have, and I’ve spent too many seconds in panic at the doctor’s office when it was time to get the blood work done. I DON’T WANT TO DATE ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING. If I’m dating someone with an emancipated p*ssy, my chances sky-rocket of meeting someone who has something, whether they know about it or not, or meeting someone who has a bad reputation and I get a bad reputation for rolling with her.
I also think that most brothers need to focus more on career and family, and not women. Now, I’m not saying to make the same mistakes that others make and focus on your career to the point that you forget to be focused on family which includes; your current and future family. So if you meet the next mother of your children and wife, then you need to focus on that. My main point is focusing on how to get women is all for naught, spend more time on the things that last longer like family and your career and you will be happy.
Men, need to live in 2011 and not spend time thinking about the women that you do not want to be with. Men spent most of 2010 talking about women that we never even wanted to date, however, we had to give our two cents about what was wrong with them. Listen, those women have their issues, but I’m not going to try and fix some sh*t that I don’t even want to buy anyway. I’m not sitting in the Best Buy talking about how Sony needs to get Rihanna on their commercial, when I know that I can only afford Vizio and that free Beyonce CD.
I hope men can find the strength and the power to lie less. I would say stop lying, but it took me years to get to that point where I just stopped lying to women. What we can agree to do is to lie less to women and our friends. “If you didn’t beat, you didn’t beat.” You don’t need to always have a story for storytime, and you don’t need to ball out major on plastic to prove a point. Make sure you can afford your next car note without deferring your college loans for another two years.
And along those same lines, ahhh ahhhh ah ahhhh wait til I get my money right … Most Black men spend most of their time thinking about dropping a stack, let’s spend some time trying to drop a 800-credit score on the table in our relationships. It ain’t easy. I tell women all the time, do not put focus on the score, but what a man is doing to manage his financial situation. Men should have some long term and short term savings, a portfolio and some insurance. Get you some insurance, at this young age your liabilities probably outweigh your weak a*s life insurance plan, and in 10, 15, or 25 years you can get that money back anyway with interest. Get your money right. It’s attractive.
It’s time that we stop thinking and saying that our youth are gone beyond crazy. We are in a position to do something about it by mentoring. If we don’t start talking to our young brothers and sisters they will make the same mistakes that we did. If you don’t talk to your youth about sex and relationships then they will continue to see the problems that we’ve seen. Moreover, they need life advice about everything; including professional, personal and educational advice. Folks who brag and boast so much about coming from the hood and are now college educated, you are the exact people that Carter G. Woodson was talking about in the Miseducation of the Negro, share that intellectual capital with your community. Trust me on this, telling a young kid that you made it out the hood, through public schools and through adversity, changes their lives. If you are as “real” as you claim to be, then get real about making sure that we produce the greatest youth for our country.
Mental health begins with physical health. Brothers should know that we are susceptible to heart disease, high cholesterol and blood pressure. We’ve got to do something about it. A good diet can help us all. Let’s stop being cheap asses and shopping in places we know are not healthy for us, and let’s start getting informed about how to eat better. And go to the damn doctor! Black men sometimes go years without going to the doctor not even a teeth cleaning. Too many cats dying of cancer at a young age, let’s fix that. And no more, “I stopped taking tests when I graduated from college.”
Donate to your local scholarship fund, Negro college fund, Greenpeace, a local basketball camp, or just about anything that’s bigger than you. I know that some people don’t go to church and for some of us, church is our charitable giving, but if you are not going to church on the regular, then let’s give some money to the greater good.
I swear if you send your boy an email and it is 800 words of text, he won’t read it. But if you send him a 8 minute YouTube video, he’ll send it to 800 people he knows. We need to fix that. Time for brothers to start reading books and start reading them regularly. I know it is cool to read GQ, Complex and the Source, but how about something that doesn’t have glossy paper.
In 2011, it’s okay to “assimilate” a little. It’s time that when we roll, stroll or fall down the street people don’t know exactly who is coming. It’s getting too ridiculous, things we are proud of are the things that represent our worst. Yes, it’s cool to blow that check on the first of the month, but maybe we should see Chucky Schwab instead of seeing our local club promoter. If we can stop doing n*gga sh*t, maybe we can get a little further this year than we were last year. So yes, I’ll take those rims off my car and rock the stocks. I’m not buying anymore suits with pink pinstripes, and gators are getting burned; they not real alligator leather anyway, and they are just plain old tacky.
You see fellas, most of what I want us to do this year is be real men. Stop being boys, stop being bad men, and be just men. I’m asking us for us to be men, Black men, to be brothers, and to be fathers and responsible. I’m asking us to take ownership of our thoughts and actions.
I’m asking that we say the things we don’t want to say,
“Yeah, she spent the night, but nothing happened. She actually shut me down. She’s a good girl.”
Ask the questions that we don’t want to ask,
“Like real talk, when are you going to finally get that degree?”
Do the things that we don’t want to do,
“Think I’m gonna take my ass home and study for my CPA exams.”
And, not because it comes naturally, because it’s the right thing to do. My daddy told me not to tell a man how to be a man; a man has to raise himself. These resolutions are more mine than they might be yours. And maybe I’m disobeying my Daddy’s rule, but I don’t think he’d have a problem with this post.
so pretty much you just confirmed my point to all the females on this site. guys do NOT marry the pretty little girlies they pimp, sleep with, and toss out. they marry the regular friend.
I. TOLD. YOU. SO.
I would probably only add "try something new". Anything. Also it is never too late to apply any of the above, seriously… Never Too Late
Ohh, you came with the fiyah today! I don't know what your male counterparts are going to say..but, this needed to be said and it was long overdue.
I said all that to say…..CO-SIGN!
PS. I would also add, learn how to prepare a meal…just the basics. It's not cool in 2011 to still be talking about I don't need to know how to cook or some such foolishness. Just learn. I am teaching my son's..they stay in the kitchen and hopefully they will learn to cook just as good as G. Garvin….and besides women think its so sexy when a man knows his way around the kitchen.
TRUE! My husband is the cooker in the house and OMG…he gets whatever he wants after a steak dinner.
As i've stated before, there are some good things about being an only child, my hobbies:
(1) Excellent cook.
(2) Plays the piano and guitar.
(3) Enjoy photography and writing.
Notice, I do most of these things alone.. sucks in a way.
Other things of note, product of a single mother, my skills:
(1) Cleaning
(2) Cooking… as stated before.
(3) Laundry.
On the real, if they are not Mama's boys, only children are winners when it comes to husbands.
Excellent post! Let's hope we all take heed and stick with these resolutions for 2011 and beyond.
hmm. you know what? i think ill pick this one off. i like it because its the first post of substance.
"Men need to be honest with themselves, we don’t want to date a woman who’s slept with nearly as many women as we have. "
so pretty much you guys run mad game on most females you come in contact with but honestly, you dont really want to be with them or even care about them that much. youll sleep with them or be friends, be cool, be cordial but youre not wifing it up. well, stop being a ho your damn self cuz a good girl doesn't wanna marry one either.
"I also think that most brothers need to focus more on career and family, and not women."
youre saying you need to focus on important things like meeting a good person and starting a family and less on running game and playing around like half the stuff you blog about is for real relationships. if you genuinely believe that and youre not just looking for co signs blog about THOSE type of relationships. how to get a good girl. how to maintain a relationship with one. how to better yourselves so you can give her what she needs. what it takes to go from guy to man. do a post asking so called good girls what they look for in a man. youre in a position of leadership so leverage it. build on this post and guide ppl somewhere significant.
"And along those same lines, ahhh ahhhh ah ahhhh wait til I get my money right …"
or how bout you stop buying stuff you cant afford and dont need so you wont even have to bother with credit. do cash transactions and youll actually HAVE money to GET right. make your lifestyle less expensive and take the spending down a notch.
"If we don’t start talking to our young brothers and sisters they will make the same mistakes that we did."
what exactly are you going to talk to them about if you walked the broad path? if your life experience consists of pimping girls, recklessly spending money and not thinking about anything important you shouldn't be speaking until you've actually fixed the problem. do something different so youll have something to mentor them in. the call to make a change is a good one. ask questions about what you should do differently and how.
"If we can stop doing n*gga sh*t, maybe we can get a little further this year than we were last year."
or how about you get to know yourselves and what it means to be an african american instead of trying to be black in america. youll get further into who you are and not further in the world of assimilating into a white paradigm.
Wow, not to get all in your e-business..but, dayum!
#thatisall.
#shotsfired.
For somebody who supposedly named "merry" you seem a bit Angry to me.
I agree with the gist of what you are saying, but the topics this blog speaks about are day-to-day experiences for young black men and is NOT supposed to be the bible to follow, I read it for entertainment and the community here.
You are saying the same thingas Dr. J, but warping it as if his approach is an issue. Everything happens in phases, and young men become Grown Men from their experiences. The balling period, the heaux period, the wanna be thug period. It's from these lessons that we realize mistakes and make changes.
To say someone should correct mistakes and then mentor is ignorant at best, because young dudes need all the support they can get, and mentor/mentee can learn from each other at any stage.
Black men and women have a lot to improve upon, but being uber critical doesn't lead to progress, only dissension.
and lol @ me being angry. i get about 4 hours of sleep a night bc of my obsession with making black ppl sccessful. im not angry im conscious.
I did that about 5 years ago, so I understand where you are Merry. Wisdom really IS misery at times. Once you see, understand and know how messed up this world is, it makes you sad.
@ beef bacon
THANK YOU! man. ive been holding my breath for years waiting for someone to get what im going through and what im getting at it. and its so true. wisdom = having no blinders on as youre walking through life.
in todays world its not exactly a walk in the pastures its more like "omg the world is crumbling!" its tough. its sad. its a lot to take in but a sound mind, a strong heart, and a positive outlook will cure all of that. even if ppl ARE trying to bring you down.
" but being uber critical doesn’t lead to progress, only dissension."
that's basically what i got from her post. also for her to say this:
" i like it because its the first post of substance."
rubbed me the wrong way (pause). there have been plenty of posts of substance on this site. *shrug*
being overly critical is a matter of perception. it depends on what you consider too be honesty and/or harsh on a personal level. look for the signs of support. look for positives to build on. look for the good in a statement even if its oppositional and the perception of a critique will become one gleaned from a warm experience.
thats how we build ourselves up as a community. "i dont agree with what was said but there is still light to be seen."
and dont throw salt on someone seeing the light. wtf?
@ queen
trying to be polite b4 you do something you know i wont like doesnt excuse the fact that youre doing something you KNOW i dont like. #snarlfired
@ dekela
the other day your pen name was eating at me. what does it mean?
its not meant to be bible but like you said. you read it everyday. other ppl read it everyday. thats why its important to say something of substance when the writers are posting. i said the same thing he did bc i support his motion to speak on more imporant things. YOU are twisting by focusing on anger (being blunt) and the warp (putting a spin on his words to provide insight and suggestions).
but i wont curse you out for it bc i see the positive in your statement.
it happens in phases. youre absolutely right. thats why its important to make it out of the "be ignorant, have sex, party away" stage bc if youre still in that part of your life you have no experience worth mentoring someone with. you should be in the "be conscious, know who you are, live with purpose" phase during mentoring.
critcising support of a black male doing that in his forward motion to better himself and the ppl he knows is what brings us down. watch yourself.
get behind what hes saying and build on it.
I really wasn't concerned about if you were going to like it or not…..I was TRYING to be polite though.
#smilesfired.
no. you were being immature and manipulative. trying to get away with doing something you know someone considers disrespectful by being nice about it so you wouldnt get chewed out for it. youre a grown woman. act like it.
let's just stop responding to this obvious troll. got us all off topic and ish. lol
@ Merry – Good lol. It's my actual name, abbreviated.
It's a moot point arguing with you, because the Sista Soulja Killa in me will emerge and I don't feel like typing all of that.
So you are right, 🙂
@ dekela
its a moot point arguing with me bc theres no reason to do it. give me my props and be an adult about it. smfh.
@ madscientist
dont save her. let her be embarrassed so the point will sink in.
I am not the least bit embarrassed….in fact, I don't know what you are so angry about. If you look back over my comment there was nothing said to illicit such anger….all I said was you fired shots at Dr, J. which you obviously did…I made note. Then I told you I didn't care about your reaction…because I don't. I don't think about a person's reactions when I am commenting..but, you said, you are operating on four hours of sleep..so, I am going to chalk this up to lack of sleep. I didn't call you out of your name..or say anything disrespectful so I don't know where you are coming from..and quite frankly I don't care…while you are stewing in anger and resentment I am over here about to cook my son's a meal…and help them with their homework…so, its not that serious.
exactly. you said i fired shots at dr j. when i was clearly supporting him. you said something negative about a positive experience to butt yourself into a comment i made to him. it was disrespectful and out of line and i dont appreciate you doing it whatsoever.
youre an adult. you should know the proper way to enter a conversation and on top of that if youre entering it and you dont even know what youre talking about someone should take a pistol and slap that smile off your face.
#firethatandgrowup
but its done. its over. you just needed to be showed where your mistake was and you can choose to correct that as a person or not, but next time enter MY comment box with a better attitude.
You know what?
you're 107.5 % right.
haha. since i have so much maybe ill donate some of the moral correctness to dr. j's mentoring program when he starts one. im behind you brotha!
-heres my 15%-
Good Evening…
Let's see if I can be trite…
This is not the first post of substance….
I am a lover of substance cause overall the black community doesn't value substance… (most american blacks)…
And alot of GROWN PEOPLE spend their "best" years focusing on flash & glitter that they deserve a kick in the ass (30 & 40 somethings still acting my age: early 20s)
Doesn't mean that it isn't there… We can need to focus MORE & MORE & MORE on the things that don't give us immediate gratification…
Good Post… Unfortunately @Merry… Because you are so acidic with your post, people will always over look your great points & call you bitter, angry & a sufferer of insomnia (get some sleep boo)…
#Done
people will overlook my great points bc they choose to or they dont have the wisdom to understand what what im saying. ive said plenty of brash things but YOU started a conversation with me bc you chose to focus on the meaning of my words.
i do appreciate the concern though, so thanks for that.
overall. if this post became a new pattern for you id be very proud of the progress.
Damn. Great article. I can dig it. And speaking of reading more…I have a suggestion. 'The End Of Blackness' by Deborah Dickerson. It's a book that must be read a few times. It's entertaining and insightful.
I think this is a solid start for people to start approaching the "reading books regularly" resolution. Let's start offering suggestions on what exactly to read. There are a lot of books out there and some people who want to start reading don't know what to read.
The best book I read last year was Dred Scott's Revenge: A Legal History of Race and Freedom in America by Andrew Napolitano. There are a lot of books on racial relations, disinclusion and segregation, but not many that approach it from a legal perspective.
Another great book is Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. Its a great, motivating, and life changing book. Ive read it more than once!
Brainwashed by Tom Burrell is another great and interesting book, challenging the myth of black inferiority. Its def a book that provokes discussion and evaluation.
Thanks For The Recommend
Great post! There's nothing more less that I would add, it goes both ways and it applies to us females as well…
Very well said Doc
((APPLAUSE)). Stronjae` ((CLAPS))
I'm lovin it!! But just like most resolutions hopefully it don't fall to the wayside.
We ALL can take something from this — 2011 is the year for Keeping it 100 including myself, no more sparing a man's feelings or going against the grain to keep the piece — Yeah I said it. Piece not Peace.
I think we need a 2011 resolutions post for the SBM ladies.
New post idea for Max logic? I.think.so
Agreed!!! I took a lot away for myself…and forwarded to some of the black men in my life. I want us ALL to grow and develop in 2011.
Love the post! Gives us all, men and women, something to think about as we grow and progress:)
"I’ll keep it real, my safety is at risk and my reputation, and on one hand, I know that many a nights I put my reputation on the line f*cking around with some women I shouldn’t have, and I’ve spent too many seconds in panic at the doctor’s office when it was time to get the blood work done. I DON’T WANT TO DATE ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THE SAME THING."
So basically you want to put the good girls at risk. Hmmmm…
Someone here made a comment about nice people and bad people being separated so that the nice people only deal with other nice people and the same for the bad. Maybe it should go this way for heauxs… male and female
Everything else… Thumbs up!
You're reading too deep into that. Like really too deep into that. I do not want to put anyone at risk, am merely stating a point of view.
And I made that comment about nice people and bad people. And it had more to do with a person's inner self. The motive for that comment was about people who are morally bad; lie, cheat and steal, and nice people; who are considerate, caring, don't lie, and live by the golden rule.
I thought you were the one who said it! lol!
I wasnt reading into it too deeply just turning it around. Like Merry said… Good girls want good guys.
Bullocks….
Good girls want BAD guys, marry good guys…
It's one of the reason good guys get the winning hand as they become older..
Kema- I am so with you! Good girls want and deserve good guys. People are people no matter gender when it comes to certain topics. Dating people are being with people that share similiar values is very important. I had this conversation lastnight with a friend and I liked that he had an enlightenment early in life that frivolous relations with women have consequences. ex. children, broken hearts, stds, etc…. The golden rule that someone previously mentioned is important in life no matter the age, gender or desire! We've been hearing about hte golden rule our entire lives.
@Pink
I was pretty much that didn't heaux around too. Sex is too risky; and that is every time that you have it. I pretty much told myself to not have sex with someone if I wouldn't want to fool with them if they got pregnant.
I've slipped a few times but the rule has me way behind most of my peers when it comes to # of partners I've had and I'm very much okay with that.
I was having a conversation last night about this. I feel this way…
Men have sex WITH women. The heaux phase takes you all through how ever many women, yet you claim THOSE aren't the women you will marry? If men stop having recreational chex, there will be less heauxs in the world, right?
The very thing you say you don't want, you CREATE by having sex with women you don't intend to be with forever.
I also feel that if women stop trying to compete with the heauxs, things will work out better for all of us in the end.
IJS, those men have to stop flooding the strip clubs, getting jump-offs and buying pros and women would not feel the need to put themselves out there as much.
Let's be honest about this…some men SAY they want one thing and do the opposite…THIS is why good women are so hard to find, maybe…look at yourself.
Hmmm….. BB!
You may be on to something here. Interesting analogy.
Exactly!
Beef Bacon: "Men have sex WITH women. The heaux phase takes you all through how ever many women, yet you claim THOSE aren’t the women you will marry? If men stop having recreational chex, there will be less heauxs in the world, right? The very thing you say you don’t want, you CREATE by having sex with women you don’t intend to be with forever."
You're confusing cause and effect. Men have $ex with women they don't intend to be with forever because women make it so easy to have $ex with them. Because so many women are giving it up after two or three dates (cause), men will spend more time playing the field because we can have $ex so easily with so many women (effect). Your other statement explains the current situation more accurately:
"I also feel that if women stop trying to compete with the heauxs, things will work out better for all of us in the end."
Men like $ex. Women made it ridiculous easy to thronx, because they are "liberated". Cut down the c00chie supply, and men will work on relationships so we can get to have relations.
Screw that Hugh. Stop throwing the blame on us ONLY. At least I try to hold everyone accountable!
Women like sex just as much as men, but at least some of us use self-control to not be heauxs.
I am not confusing cause and effect. Men for centuries have been liking sex so much to the point of paying for it and getting it outside of their marriages. What effect do you think this was going to have, a positive one?
What you are saying is VERY hypocritical and that only causes confusion. You cannot expect from others what you are not willing to do yourself.
Liking sex has nothing to do with heaxing around Hugh. Get a woman, marry her, and have sex with all you want. Problem solved. OR….date without having sex UNTIL you find the woman you want to be with. It may sound archaic but I think it will work since God says it will.
IJS, every action has consequences and men CLAIM to want to be leaders and kings…kings cannot do whatever they want because just because it feels good now, they have to look at the LONG TERM EFFECT of their choices.
I know I am on a soapbox, but this is what I have learned in my short life to be the problem.
KINGS rule but not by saying do as I say not as I do…they have to be the example of what they want.
@ BeefBacon
Uhhhh….I don't think marriage is going to solve the "as much sex as you want" quota. By observation it seems to do the exact opposite, hence the reason folks Heaux around and pay for it.
@ CPT
That is a myth! I am married and have MUCH more sex than my single girlfriends…WAY MORE! Lol.
Some people marry people they are not attracted to; some people marry and do not realize the work it takes to stay attracted.
Those are excuses. If you know there is higher power, do you doubt His plan? Are you saying man's way is better—look at the world…an answer that honestly?
“Screw that Hugh. Stop throwing the blame on us ONLY. At least I try to hold everyone accountable!”
I’m not putting it on women ONLY. I simply gave the reason why more men are less likely to settle down early and are more likely to spend their twenties laying and playing.
“Men for centuries have been liking sex so much to the point of paying for it and getting it outside of their marriages. What effect do you think this was going to have, a positive one?”
True. But how many men were paying to have it outside of marriage? They say prostitution is the oldest profession, so some men have always done that, but it’s a recent phenomenon that people are getting married later in life, if at all. So what changed?
“What you are saying is VERY hypocritical and that only causes confusion. You cannot expect from others what you are not willing to do yourself.”
This makes no sense. There’s no hypocrisy at all. What makes men attractive to women isn’t what make women attractive to men. How men treat women isn’t how women treat men. So men can most definitely expect behavior from women that women wouldn’t expect from men. It’s not a double standard, it’s a different standard.
“Liking sex has nothing to do with heaxing around Hugh. Get a woman, marry her, and have sex with all you want. Problem solved. OR….date without having sex UNTIL you find the woman you want to be with. It may sound archaic but I think it will work since God says it will.”
Remember having multiple women is a male fantasy, and women are attracted to men that attract many women. I won't even get into there being few reasons for a man to get married young, so there is no problem to solve from the male perspective.
I think dating without $ex will work too, which I've stated numerous times on this blog. The original point is there is literally no incentive for men to marry young when they can have so many women right now. I'm not saying it's right, I'm pointing out the reality.
“IJS, every action has consequences and men CLAIM to want to be leaders and kings…kings cannot do whatever they want because just because it feels good now, they have to look at the LONG TERM EFFECT of their choices.”
Kings cannot do whatever they want? Doing whatever they want is kinda what makes them a king. Men aren’t suffering any LONG TERM EFFECTS. Where are all the articles of successful, good looking, black men that can’t find wives? Men are reaping the benefits of what women are doing.
hugh, beef, do you guys mind if i weigh in?
Go ahead, that's what the discussion is for.
But do it below, we're getting cramped for space up here.
BB let's be real….
Stop putting the value you (not personally) place on sex and just tell women to stay focus and do what's best for them.
Dude is going to marry who dude chooses to marry, end of story. Some heauxs are there for growth, some for pleasure, some for heartbreak and some just for the sake of being heauxs and getting a nut. Heauxs are men or women, so the argument goes both ways.
Yes, Kings DO whatever they want, hence why they are Kings, its a perk, history clearly demonstrates that.
My other comment was tied up in moderation.
Good kings do not think like that (Lion King, remember?) Simba was like, all this is mine, I can do whatever I want? Dad the King said No, you have a responsibility to do what is best for everyone in the kingdom…
If you were my king, I would rally my peeps together to get you OUT OF THE CASTLE with that selfish attitude. No king will ever effectively or efficiently run his kingdom if he behaves like a dirty politician.
The king is not a king because it allows him to do what he wants…maybe this is why brothers are not looked at and treated as kings anymore.
yo did you just quote Disney's "The Lion King"
LMAO #muerte
i agree with them all…
but i agree with this the most:
"Men, need to live in 2011 and not spend time thinking about the women that you do not want to be with. "
because i honestly feel that i've given advice when it wasn't needed nor heeded…
so going foward…we really need to let chicks figure it out for themselves…if they run with bad information, they'll eventually learn when the misinformation leads to failure…
*LeBron shrug*
Interesting…that's not how I took that, but I can dig it. I took it, and applied it to self, as why have an opinion about something or someone you have no interest in. For example, if you don't like short hair/natural hair, men/women with kids, etc…that's fine, but no need to berade them or be snarky about them.
I see your point tho, similar, but different.
KUDOS on the reaching back to younger generations. I was just talking about this with some of my female friends. BIg Brothers and Big Sisters is not enough…real talk, do some research, they only scratch the surface. Talk to the young brother/sister down the street, in your old neighborhood, contact middle schools/high schools etc. The reality is our children are trying to mimic what they see on TV, which is not reality. We can't continue to look at them and shake our heads…reach back and shake their hands, pull them up.
Just my two cents.
I was actually suprised at who the author of this was, pleasantly surprised! #noshots #goodlook
I agree with TiffNicky and I too was surprised at the author of this post. I fully expected to scroll down and see Streetz name on this…but to see Dr. J? I was like, OMG the brother actually has some SENSE!
I never gave up on you anyway…#noshotsfired you know I love you Dr. J!
1. Excellent Post
2. Why is it that err time someone is controversial in their comments, it's because they're trying to make Black people better? Just cuz folks are responding doesn't mean it's productive. No shots really. Just a thought because I'm seeing this a lot more on blogs.
you statement = truth. just bc comments are made doesnt mean its true progress. following up is the progress. keep talking about positive, substantial things, put it into action in your real lives and it WILL be productive (instead of just a co-sign).
controversy is is an ice breaker. ppl get real when theyre mad or insulted but when they calm down you get stuff like j's post. -shrug-
WOOH! theres A LOT, A LOT of good ideas floating out there for future posts if we take the new direction dr. j. layed out. i mean if he sticks with it theres a lot of ways to move forward just by scoping the comments.
kema
"So basically you want to put the good girls at risk. Hmmmm…Someone here made a comment about nice people and bad people being separated so that the nice people only deal with other nice people and the same for the bad. Maybe it should go this way for heauxs… male and female"
– will good girls reform super swangin boys? how do males put good girls at risk by sleeping around b4 getting with them? should reformed hos male or female be allowed into the virgin pool or should they accept the consequences of their former actions?
peter parker
"so going forward…we really need to let chicks figure it out for themselves…if they run with bad information, they’ll eventually learn when the misinformation leads to failure…"
– as males, how do you stop taking advantage of females who have bad information nd are willing to let you capitalize on their bodies? how do males transition into being responsible and how do females get better info? what do guys need from a good girl as youre trying to reform your ways, better yourself, and protect her from the effects of your former ways?
tiffnicky
"BIg Brothers and Big Sisters is not enough…The reality is our children are trying to mimic what they see on TV, which is not reality."
– where do mentors draw their experience and realities from? if WE were raised on media and entertainment how do we change that so we can give back to future generations? as you choose to make the switch from entertainment to purpose how can you stay focused on the prize?
I was not raised on media and entertainment. I was raised on church, sports, and my family and friends. I was sheilded from A LOT due to the actions of an older sibling, and because my mother believed in community. I also lucked up to be raised in a diverse environment that allowed me to see many possibilities. I also had friends that experienced things I didn't, but shared those experiences and they influenced my choices. That being said, I know I'm in the minority which is why I reach out to others and tell them how I got where I am. How I dealt with some of life's "not so pleasant" experiences, and why I want more from them. I don't expect them to be me, I expect them to try to be the best "them" possible and to understand that much of what they see on TV and in the Media is not common.
The reality is you have to start somewhere. Maybe this conversation is that start. I do not believe everyone should be a mentor, that is for sure. However, there is no perfect way to go about it. You do, learn, and adapt. We are all evolving, hopefully when we're speaking to future generations we're transparent in that.
hmm. so mentors are gleaned from those with less exposure to media and television sounds like.
do you think ppl who arent raised as you were or in a similar fashion can still be mentors if they lessen their exposure to entertainment and things of the like, even if they grew up on it?
Mentors can come from anywhere, in my opinion. That was just my story.
I personally have 3 mentors, that are all very different…and very different from me. No one knows everything or has experienced everything. I believe in speaking with people, sharing stories, and seeing how they relate or don't relate.
I think most people have redeemable qualities. And some of the best lessons people can teach is what NOT to do. So I'd say yes, people that have or are misguided can provide value and positive influence…if they are careful and project the right things. We live in a world of influence, we just need to be mindful of who and how we influence people…and who we let influence us.
Hope that makes sense…I feel like I'm all over the place.
youre perfect. thats EXACTLY right.
lol…that's what I said. O_o
"- as males, how do you stop taking advantage of females who have bad information nd are willing to let you capitalize on their bodies?"
being straight up. if males come at you straight up with their intentions, then it's not "taking advantage".. *shrug*
"how do males transition into being responsible and how do females get better info?"
How do males transition, they'd have to want to do better. they'd have to see other men doing better, and seeing the success that comes from it.
how do women get better info? i dunno. find men that don't mind helpin' 'em out *like i said earlier…women aren't necessarily looking for male advice…lol*
"what do guys need from a good girl as youre trying to reform your ways, better yourself, and protect her from the effects of your former ways?"
i'll let you know when i find out.
*slow clap*, best new year's thoughts I've heard from anyone. I had the same convo with some friends on new year's when we discussed singledom and how to get out of it. One of the points was men don't like nor want to date a woman who thinks/acts like a man. Then the numbers thing came up. I agree with everything you said. Why? Cause you're a man. I think we need to listen to men more instead of doing what we think will attract ya'll. If I look around, men marry the exact opposite of themselves and nothing is un-sexier than a masculine woman. I don't mean that in appearance, I mean that in behavior and logic. I swear I have a friend who calls her man "n*gga". I'm not saying I'm completely old-fashioned but I do think we're getting alittle lost in this women can do what men do type of thinking.
Great Post, I found myself nodding along as I read because it makes great recommendations for men and for the black community at large. I keep thinking about being financially savvy and responsible and I think it really comes from growth and goals. A younger me only cared about shoes so checks were spent on that. Now I've seen a condo I want to own and my thoughts of what to do with those checks have changed. I think people (of all races) need to look past being fly/ flashy as the end game. Those are just extras!
Great post again.
Very good post. By far my favorite of yours.
My $10 (although in response to your post, it's fairly general in nature):
I have to say, I'm glad that you're encouraging men to be honest about not wanting to get with women with high numbers, but I'm patiently waiting for a day when a good number of men will actually step up and encourage men to hold themselves to at least half the standard they hold women to in that regard. Yes, it's been historically and traditionally more acceptable for men to run through women like video games or movies, but the reasons why men frown upon women having a high number partners are usually of a trivial nature (I don't want to be laughed at behind my back, have a 50% chance of the man's hand I'm shaking being one that stroked her once upon a time, etc).
Here's an idea: what about implicitly encouraging women to do better by not continuously chasing after the soeh & stuls and leaving the more conservative ones for such a time as when marriage is on the horizon? From youth, a lot of young girls see that the most scantily clad women get the most attention from the menfolk, and promptly follow suit. They start having sex not because of their hormones, but because they want to satisfy the boys' and be in their "good" books. These girls grow into women who men will happily have fun with and toss aside when the time comes to "get serious".
What about promoting healthier sexual lifestyles? You're as much a sexual risk for an unsuspecting "good" woman as a wild young thing is for you. Actually, you're more dangerous, because a lot of things that can be detrimental to women cannot quite be detected in men. And you know what? It wouldn't hurt you to be less stressed when getting those tests.
What of the link between the sexual, the mental, and the emotional? For a lot of guys, it weakens considerably as they age. They start having sex fairly early, and it's a game of reckless pleasure and numbers. They've already been trained to believe that sex has little or nothing to do with emotions. Intro good vs. bad kinds of cheating ("Baby, I dipped into her sauce, but you're the only one I want to pour my ingredients into"). A lot of guys don't realize that they're setting themselves up for all kinds of psychological failures when it comes to sex and relationships. They lose out on a lot of intimacy that can be gained when pursuing a sexual relationship. Men may have a higher sex drive, but if they were trained/trained themselves to focus on sex within the context of meaningful relationships, there'd be a lot less headache on both sides.
You know what, let me not even dream too big right now. Think about your acceptable maximum number accumulated by age 2* or 3* for women. There's no real reason why yours should be more than 5-10 higher than that, if at all. All that noise about women being recipients & locks being opened by several keys is good for a laugh and all, but women are not the only ones with bodies they need to respect.
Um.. I think I went into ramble mode at some point. I'm good for now.
definitely agree with this.
i read someones comment and a rogue thought popped in my head. guys play a numbers game right? its just bc they enjoy sex. i really think its just a primal desire but imagine how it would feel if they held all that in and waited for a good girl to come along and THEN they had all the sex they wanted.
its safe. it protects their morality. it safeguards their integrity. they can still have all the sex they want. the bottom line is just wait for it bc youre worth it.
rambles are the best kind of communication cuz its like stream on conscious. its raw. its real. honesty and truth in its naked form. makes for great conversation dontcha think?
@Naija – As always your comments are appreciated, look below to my response to the other reader, I think that you interpreted my paragraph to mean i'm saying men sleep with more women and then don't want to be with women who do the same. I'm more saying that we should not buy into the "emancipation" of vag, or "liberation" of women that allows people to go out and satisfy their sexual needs in whatever way they want. BUT, because men shouldn't be doing it either.
I was not a saint my whole life, but I learned at a good age, it's not about how many people you sleep with, but it's about who you sleep with. And since that point in my life, my perspective has changed completely. That is an action item that is complete.
And for that reason, I haven't stressed about blood work in a VERY long time. But I know some people who still do, and you do too. Sometimes the message isn't about me or you, but it's about acknowledging that these problems are prevalent in our community.
Personally, Dr. J, I am not in any way attacking your post. You gave some valid suggestions and my rant is not to take away from that.
This topic is just something I am passionate about. WE as a community have to do better about our sexual lifestyles in general. Men have to be what they seek and women have to stop competing and trying to do what they see guys do. It is not healthy at all!
You are a wonderful writer! Do not take my words as a personal attack on your post! I am attacking the logic some brothers have that they can just do whatever they want and not reap it.
Forgive me if I came off like that to anyone. I love the dialogue.
I am no vegetarian, I love bacon and steak. No Dr. J's were harmed in the making of this comments section.
Plus, I still keep that kevlar around here somewhere, but I don't need it today. Days like this, it's when you put out a post, and my main focus is getting better as a person, so it's all love.
Not that i'm a bad person, i'm actually rather merry these days.
That wasn't subliminal.
J,
Gracias for the response. I did get the sense from several of your previous posts that you were not the norm when it came to this issue in particular, which is partly why I tried to add the disclaimer that although my post was in response to yours, it was more of a general commentary on/reaction to the state of male sexual affairs. To be fair, I did kinda miss the part where you alluded to the fact that it wasn't cool for anybody to be a part of the league of extraordinary body counts. But I know a lot of guys would probably focus on the latter parts of the paragraph as well, and I mainly wanted to point out a few reasons why being flippant about sex and who one is having it with could be damaging on a larger scale.
Once again, awesome post.
*Slow Clap*
What a great post. It warms my heart to see black men talk about changes that will contribute positively to their future well being. I agree that there should be another post echoing the changes that black women need to go through as well so that we can continue to lift each other up instead of constantly tearing ourselves down.
Deifinitely agree with the financials of this post. Excellent all around.
Let me say this as far as someone comment on taking advantage of women's bodies who offere them up:
Everyone takes advantage of everyone on a daily basis. If you cant be used you're useless.
+1
good point. just to build on it, make yourself useful for things of substance by becoming a decent, moral human being.
I agree with most of what you had to say, especially the man in the kitchen(and no im not a fatty lol), but I got heated trying to read your article on my blackberry as I walked through the halls of my office. I ran back to my desk just to reply smh. I cant stand it when a man says that numbers count and they dont want to date a hoe. REally? WTH makes you think us women want to date a male hoe? Its such a turn off to find out that a dude you like or is involved with was damn near effing the whole town. As a man that 30 something women you screwed has made you less of a commodity in my book! The reality is, a woman/man can tell you any number but you can really find out the sexual character of the person by paying attention and listening. To sum it open, I dont want to be with a man that has put his safety/reputation on the line over and over due to lack of self control,lust etc.. TOTAL TURN OFFFFFFF, maybe I have some testosterone in me but IDC!
@Pink Sugar –
The reason why we’ve let this numbers game slide so much is to affirm ourselves in our own actions that shouldn’t be condoned. It’s not about how many people you slept with, but it is. Men need to be honest with themselves, we don’t want to date a woman who’s slept with nearly as many women as we have. And I’ll tell you why, because we don’t want to sleep with ourselves, or marry ourselves.
You and several others skipped over most of the text and focused on the bolded section. If you had read the previous two sentences you would know that i'm not condoning any of the behavior. I think it's all foolishness, I think that a whore is a whore is a whore, male or female. Therefore, if you make the decision that you don't want a man who's slept with 30 or more women (even though TBH, most men have slept with WAY MORE than that), that's fine. Because he shouldn't have been putting it on the line that way anyway.
God damn 30 somthing is a alot for a lifetime but I get it, men are alot more experimental with their private parts smh. I was ref to the 30 per year that you mentioned which is even more ridiculous. Thx for clarifying and I feel good that a man feels the way I do: a whore is a whore is a whore. I dated this guy that had the nerves to ask me how many men I slept with, first off its out of line to ask thatk, especially if im not giving you any. I think thats personal info and anyone asking that is setting themselves up to be lied to. Besides, everyone has their own perception of what they think is too many. The audacity of the question to be asked when this dude told me stories of chicks that he couldnt even remember their names, hence, he has no clue of his own number. All the while he tried to convince me of what a decent guy he was and was always the victim of women- Mendacity!!!
I agree, those #'s threw me for a loop. 30 in a year? that's a lot of random sex! 30 in a LIFETIME is still a lot of random sex!
@RedLady –
I'm not Sammy the Bull myself, but a few of us were discussing this the other day. You have to think of the mind of a single black male from ages 18-25, the average, and I know, not all are the same, think about how to get chicks, ALL DAY LONG. They will be in class, at work, on MARTA, at the barbershop, at bible study, in the bathroom, and all that time, they are thinking… "man how can I get more women?!" Those guys go out and play the law of averages, 1 in 10. 1 in 10 of these women in this club is a heaux. That's two nights in a weekend, 52 weeks a year. Do the math. Knuckleheads are out there among us and until they make the conscious decision to stop their antics, that 30 number is very realistic.
@Pink Sugar and Red Lady
When it comes to the numbers arguement here is something that I've learned:
The only people I've ever met that did NOT like being judged by the number of people they've slept with are the ones who know their number is high for their age. 🙂
Let's say someone is 32 and has slept with 11 people. That may not be high but if they don't want to be judged, they shouldn't divulge this info. I don't think a mature man will ask any woman how many people she has slept with because he doesn't want her asking him but when feelings start to form don't get it twisted, he's thinking it.
if youre gonna be talking about being in the kitchen lets talk about getting the gender roles correct. make a man feel like a man by filling out the feminine role. make a woman feel like a woman by filling out the masculine role.
what are moral, traditional behaviors for men and women do you guys think?
Fox- That is far from the truth. Ive learned through experience that you dont tell a dude a number. A guy who is in love with you tends to want to be the only one that ever hit that. I dated a guy for 2 years and he was obsessed with the idea that I had 2 partners before him. We argued about it all the time. Dude was ridiculous in the sense that he wanted to be the one that took my virginity but that made no sense bec I was with a guy for 6 years before him. I dont like the number question because people can judge you either way, you are a hoe or you have no experience yadda yadda yadda. Personally I dont want to know how much women a guy has slept with bec I may run the other direction lol bec as Dr.J mentioned before, most men have been with over 30 women, i feel more secure in knowing if my dude practices safe sex. I also learned that you can tell the type of sexual character this person has by just getting to know them before you give up the cookies then you decide if you want to. Furthermore, to not like something doesnt mean that you are guilty of that something.
People should never ask people how many people they've slept with. Here's my take, you come up with a number in your head based on how they act, and internally see if you can live with that. If you can't then break it off. (Word to the fellas: This chick told me in Pinups that [women] do kegels when they have sex with a man for the first time, so he don't think she been ran all through. I didn't know how to take that.)
My thought process:
(1) She says something like, "If I meet a guy and I like him, then i'll f*ck him." = Fiddy, no less than fiddy.
(2) She says something like, "You hit this and we go together." = Twenny, no less than twenny. The only way you say that is because you've had bad luck in the past.
(3) "I'm a virgin." = Lying ass heffa, can't trust her. Can't win with her, won't do it, can't do it.
(4) Anything with the following three words, "Black Sexual Politics" = Liberated hoe.
Seriously though, William H. Strafe said it best, "No matter what she says, you're going to be upset. 3? 3?! OMG, 3?! Am I 4, or am I 3?! Yousa a hoe." Just don't ask.
Lolololol, laughing so hard I'm disturbing the peace in my area. My thoughts exactly Doc!
PS. Kegel has great benefits: if practiced it aids in reaching that great orgasm, helps to tighten that thang overall(esp women that gave birth) and it even helps you squirt 😉
It sounds like we're both saying the same thing because that's basically what I was saying in my comment. Don't Tell. If you don't want to be judged, don't tell the person and don't ask the person. We're all thinking it but like you said Pink, no matter what number you give he's going to wish he was your first. And Dr. J is right that even 4 can be a high number to some men. It's a lose lose situation.
@Pink Sugar…
Being a male whore only makes a man more attractive to a majority of females… Women won't admit it… but they love men that are "experienced"… I'm sure there is a post on it somewhere…
Great Post Dr. J.
Love the part on getting your finances together as I've been working on that the past year or so. Let me say, it is hard but worth it in the long run. Especially when you are near starting a family like I am.
Dr. J, I only wanted to say that I love this post.
I'm enjoying the dialogue today, and while I know it's MAD popular to get on here and talk about sex all the time, let's move on from that point.
Anymore book suggestions? Financial advice or testimony? I was especially looking for a few of the readers to speak on their physical health flow, because I know they are heavily involved.
Word!!!
Can someone recommend a book for me on investing? I'm trying to diversify my investments and how I invest.
Tiff start with the magazine "Business Week" or the "Wall Street Journal". They usually give great tips.
Smart Women Finish Rich by David Bach and 50 Simple Steps You Can Take to Improve Your Personal Finances by Ilyce R. Glink.
Thanks ladies! I will pick up copies today. This has been on me for a while…but honestly, I've been intimidated.
Dont be intimidated Tiff. Knowledge is power, and so is money so make it happen! I am impressed by a woman that wants to invest. Men often look at me in shock when I disclose that I gamble with my money in the stock market at times. More women need to get into this(esp black women); dont be afraid! Just remember to always play with what you can afford to lose. Its a risk but any form of lucrative move is always risky.
You're welcome! I forgot to mention that Black Enterprise and Money Magazine are other resources that generally include good investment tips.
I am looking at investing in some commercial/residential property in in the south. I want something that I can renovate to live in but also want to rent out the other units so that this thing could ultimately pay for itself.
Any ideas or suggestions?
If you're looking to do real esate in the South, see if you can't get in Charlotte, the market there may not be affordable as it once was.
I've found that VA Beach, Myrtle Beach and the Outer Banks have done my family JUSTICE. Fact of the matter is a lot of people foreclosed on those vacation homes. You can get in cheap, and let it appreciate. Rent it out if you want, and whenever you want to go down, you've got your own beach house.
@ beef.
me too girl! im currently trying to talk my man into property development in the south. i pretty much told him knowing construction work is important bc a lot of farmers and ppl who live in rural communities have hunting cabins on their property or run down guest houses in the boondocks or something. you can just pay em cash do a little bartering and youve got a home. you just have to know how to fix it up.
as far as making money (and building on the theme of mentoring today), with the property comes land. set up some kind of program where you can charge ppl to learn construction and that way you can go to high schools or different places in the community and teach the kids something useful.
I recommend The Little Book of Bull Moves in Bear Markets by Peter Schiff.
Dr. J Really? I thought this was an open discussion, but now your telling what we should gear more towards discussing : , you mentioned a few topics and we should feel open to talk about whatever topic hits home. Any way its still early, I am sure more people will touch on the health etc.. Including myself as I have lots to say :P. AND no more telling Pink to shhhhh!
i learned this little lesson after i blew through about 50k in about a 2yr time period just bc i had a debit card.
its best to do things with cash and if youre using cash itll cut down your expenses and bills. you cant exactly pay for 16 different kinds of insurance, utilties, rent, loans, etc. in cash BUT…if you only have so much money youll cut out the extra and will only have to pay for necessities.
i learned *that* after i started doing work i was genuinely passionate about and taking a heavy pay cut in the meantime. i got passion, love, fulfillment and better finances all in one swoop.
but a credit card or any other form of plastic? na. you can shoot for the stars, defer payment, and not even try to develop personal responsibility for your spending habits.
This is one thing I disagree with a lot of people on. I’ve had a credit card since I was 18, lived on my own during & paid my way through school, and at 23, my credit score is in the high 700’s. I’m more responsible with my card than with cash because once anything comes out of my account, I mentally write it off. That’s not to say that I go crazy; I just don’t really keep tabs on the bills in my wallet. Honestly, personal responsibility needs to learned with cash & card alike. I can shoot for the stars and do all kinds of irresponsible ish, but I know what my goal is and I don’t like carrying balances on my account beyond a couple of days. The main thing is to encourage people to have an accurate mental image of their finances at all times, and to act accordingly. I don't have huge expenses just yet, especially since I recently moved back home, but my mentality will be the same as my credit line increases.
the fact that you HAVE a credit score is irresponsible in and of itself. credit means 'im gonna purchase this when i dont actually have the money but let me make myself look good for paying it off at a decent rate'. in addition, theres no argument or foundation behind saying you need credit to live bc like i just said, if you live a lifestyle where cash prevails you dont have to worry about credit.
and lol @ the subtle undermining of authority.
dont purchase stuff if you dont have the money to. period.
(retires for the night)
What are you talking about? One needs to build solid credit rating if one wants to purchases houses and the like, or plans to take out substantial loans in the future. No one's going to lend me 50K+ for school because I've been good with my cash. I'm not balling just yet, and no matter how "responsible" I could've been, I wouldn't have that money to put up front within the next 2-3 years. You assume too much about people based on their use of credit cards. I once spent a larger than usual amount of money at a store on a particularly heavy shopping trip, and my bank didn't let the transaction go through because it was uncharacteristic of my usual trends. While they were trying to call me, I used my debit card instead. I'm unfamiliar with anything you're talking about because I only make purchases knowing that I can comfortably pay them off on the spot, or within the next 5 days. I don't purchase stuff I don't need simply because I have a credit card. That's exactly why I'm saying that what's important is not whether you have one, but your mentality. No one's trying to undermine your so-called authority; I'm merely stating my view and the reasons why it's different from yours.
-skims the first 3 sentences and stops reading-
so pretty much your dependency on credit isnt allowing you to get my point and youre defending yourself instead of learning something new.
ok. we dont agree. its done.
How is one dependent simply because one uses a credit card for purchases one could just as easily make with one's debit card? Your level of daftness is astounding. But yes, it's done.
"Men need to be honest with themselves, we don’t want to date a woman who’s slept with nearly as many women as we have. And I’ll tell you why, because we don’t want to sleep with ourselves, or marry ourselves."
"I also think that most brothers need to focus more on career and family, and not women."
Um, ok this all sounds good [not to throw shade] but…
When I first found this site every other post was about how you guys are balling out in the DMV and bragging about getting tables and skipping the line straight to VIP while other people had to stand in lines. Just curious when the change of heart happened. And staying on the club topic, aren't most of the women you're likely to meet at the club nowadays going to be heauxs anyway?
😮 oooh, I am a newbie to the site. Seems like I gotta go back to older articles.
Eddie:
You should know that just because a person likes to go out and have a good time with his friends does not mean he was out there being a heaux. Since before I came to this site, I've been the type to tell you, I don't meet women at the club and I don't dance with women at the club. I come to the club to hang out with my friends and socialize with my friends. The tables and the skipping lines is because we've built a rapport with certain promoters and venues, it's a courtesy because of continuous support over the years.
At the same time since birth it has always been and will always be, Family first, Academics second, Friends third. That's a fact of life for me. So no, not really a change of heart, yet we are all working drafts.
And to answer your last question for the last time, NOT EVERYONE IN THE CLUB IS A HOE! If you've been to a club, that proves that. There's plenty of different people in the club. Might have been dragged there, might have been have been playing wingman, might just be hanging out with the fellas tonight, but that doesn't make them a heaux. It's no sign above the club that says, "Hoes only" all you saints get your porkchop sandwich from the back.
Gracias por the clarification. But in regards to the "club/hoe" statement. I meant something more along the lines of your odds of meeting wife material are significantly lower if you're hanging out at Ultrabar than Whole Foods.
And it also may be due to the fact that I'm getting close to 40 and the club just isn't my scene anymore….
"I meant something more along the lines of your odds of meeting wife material are significantly lower if you’re hanging out at Ultrabar than Whole Foods."
I think its more about your thought process. The same woman at the club may be the woman at Whole Foods. Of course your perception of her will depend on where YOU met her not who she is.
Love this DR. J "You see fellas, most of what I want us to do this year is be real men. Stop being boys, stop being bad men, and be just men. I’m asking us for us to be men, Black men, to be brothers, and to be fathers and responsible. I’m asking us to take ownership of our thoughts and actions" I'm going to add one more- be GENTLEMEN! 😉
I'm mad I missed that part of this post.
Fellas, stop being bad guys, even if women are attracted to them.
Women, stop trying to reform the bad guy. You'll lose that battle every time.
"Women, stop trying to reform the bad guy. You’ll lose that battle every time."
THIS!!! I've been guilty of this, and thus my own heartbreak once before. It's a tough lesson, but very real. You cannot change people, and if you could why would you? People should change because they see the need and want to, not because of or for you…I'm not convinced that kind of change lasts.
I cannot agree with that… If being bad get the ladies… then I do what works… what you said sounds stupid
Ummm…ok. Given my comment was geared towards women, not men, I have no clue what you're talking about.
Do what works for you. I'm saying going after bad men hasn't worked for me…
Great post Dr. Jay.
Max….I agree. Do it girl.
And Streetz…..THIS -> "Everyone takes advantage of everyone on a daily basis. If you cant be used you’re useless." Word. #thatisall
I 2nd that@ streetz
Exactly. We're supposed to be used by others and vice versa.
This post is great. All these comments are nice. Here's what I'm picking up.
Everyone thinks we should mentor. Merry feels like you can't mentor unless you've actually achieved something.
Everyone says that everyone should stop being heaux. Some believe sex has a intrinsic emotional value. Something that is individual specific, trying impose that unto youngin's.
There's more, but I have meetings and ish…
My Responses:
I'm sure a bunch of AA young males would love to have Barack Obama for a mentor. But you know what, people who haven't achieved "as much" by some scale should mentor as well. And um… everyone shouldn't be mentoring. How about we create some opportunities for some of our own kind? Personally, I take people resumes and distribute them to appropriate channels. Additionally, I bring them into certain circles so that can be "exposed" in some aspect. It doesn't cost anything and there aren't any promises. I take the time to get the know the person and I try to help them.
While On mentoring… where the eff are the parents?!?!! Let's do community wide parenting classes or something… dang…
This over emphasis of sexual emotional connection is ridic. That isn't something taught by mom and dad. Experience SHOULD teach the role and importance of sex in relationships and it does. Elders should push for responsible sexual decisions. You can't force a child to value something the same way an adult values something. It doesn't work. Why? Because that adult has life experiences that create that value. A way to teach a child is to live your life responsibly in the presence of the child.
I know a bunch of comments are basically saying we want the younger generations to avoid the problems we went through. EFF THAT! They NEED to experience all sorts of problems. As toddlers, let them go outside and scratch up those knees. As adolescents, let them have failed relationships, experience bad communication, sex, etc… In fact, children yearn to experience life in their own way. In fact, many will create their own problems just to solve them, just to experience. Hence, being over protective will cause a sort of lashing out. Many heaux are created this way.
Many men are heaux. But many women want those said heaux to chase after them so they can feel free to be heaux. I dare you to say I'm lying…
Some say the solution is for men to pursue meaningful relationships opposed to sexual their entire lives. nah. Adults should pursue any type of relationship they want. I'll be d*mned if ya'll gonna convince me that a one night stand from college affects the entire community. c'mon…
Here's the real solution: men should rid ourselves of the negative stigma of women having many sexual partners. I bet there's no one who can say why I should care about the number of partners a woman has. And if you mention STDs, then all a person has to do is pass some tests. Then what? Then you have a lady that probably is a master at giving head. Everyone is happy…
Caring about numbers -> That's stupid sh*t. In 2011, can we stop caring about stupid sh*t?
achievement has nothing to do with titles or wordly success. achievement is intrinsic. if youve become yourself and have phased into being a better person youve made the only achievement necessary to mentor. in doing so you become the responsible person serving as the responsible, living example for the child.
i love your ideas! lots and lots of them so that was awesome to provide such a great deal of ways to get it going for the community. -high five-
im with you on the "let the kids go through some stuff so they can learn" thing. thats how im going to raise my children and they will know life bc they will experience it. cuts, bruises, scrapes, joys, happiness, enlightenment…they will experience it all. i want them to have the endurance and proper state of mind to achieve personal, inward victories…cuz you gotta go through some stuff to learn some stuff so you can get that mentor program going.
=x
@ smartfox
"You’re right, man is not supposed to fornicate or commit adultery…"
thats the bottom line. the simple truth of the matter is theres a millions reasons to defend going against that or justifying why its done but the bottom line is it shouldnt happen bc its isnt supposed to.
"A way to teach a child is to live your life responsibly in the presence of the child."
THIS is all I am saying. If a person contracted AIDS via rec sex, based on your logic, his/her child should go out and get it themselves just so they can experience it and learn from it? C’mon now!
I am just saying that all life's lesson are not to be learnt from experiences. Some things should not be learned by trial and error.
""""I’ll be d*mned if ya’ll gonna convince me that a one night stand from college affects the entire community. c’mon…"
If this were a rare thing, no, it would not affect the entire community. However, we all know that this mess happens in excess, therefore it IS affecting us. Our STD and abortion rates speak for themselves.
Nah. Irresponsibility is affecting us. It has nothing to do with the # of people you sleep with per month. It's about how you do it -> literally. If a guy is going raw in every girl in sight then of course. If all parties are being responsible, who cares? Sexual freedom has a stigma of sexual irresponsibility which isn't correct.
Ewww, so just because you are on birth control or use a condom that makes it all okay?
What about all of the emotional and mental issues that come with giving yourself to any and everybody?
A condom can not save a person from that.
Ewww, so just because you are on birth control or use a condom that makes it all okay?
No. It makes the participants that much more responsible.
What about all of the emotional and mental issues that come with giving yourself to any and everybody?
Blah! Many people are doing that because they already have emotional and mental issues. How many women have sex because to feel a void? To feel desired? How many men have sex with many women in order to hide emotional issues? TONS. In fact many of the comments on this site is due to men/women encountering people like this. They are EVERYWHERE.
@Beef and @Meteor –
Granted i'm an asshole. I know that. However, I hear what you're saying about sexual freedom and all, but let me reiterate. It's not about how many, but it's about who you choose to have sex with. I had an epiphany one day. The more people that i've slept with the more my stock goes down. I've flooded the market with the supply of it. Shrink the supply and the deman rises. In my mind, I want more people saying, "I want to f*ck him" than saying "I f*cked him and it was great." Think about that.
This is another reason why I never really dealt with J.O.s, J.O.s not in the sense of slept with a lot of dudes, but slept with a lot of dudes in the same crew. I just don't see the value in sleeping with those women.
With my hat on or off, I'm just not trying to put in on the landing line like that.
This is going to sound old-fashioned and plain s.exist to some of you but please don't over read. Women can't do what men do. A man can sleep with 80 women and still be himself because men can have s.ex without emotion. A woman who has s.ex with 80 men will change emotionally because most of us are emotional. We're not built to sleep around. We may think we're winning and in control but we're really not. It actually jades us and we start to lose respect for the male gender. I read some article where the psychologist showed how it was a part of our subconcious because it's much more difficult for us to take away the emotion behind the action.
It's a really good train of thought because when I look at female friends who have casual s.ex, most say they love the s.exual freedom. I'm sure it's thrilling a few times but I see them changing right before my eyes. They do seem to get alittle jaded over time and funny thing is many end up developing feelings for the man and get hurt when he won't take them seriously. OR they get sick of it and give up men for a while saying they're taking a break. I think it's because we're not built for that young man lifestyle of sleeping around. Just food for thought.
@ SmartFox
IMO, it is THAT thinking that has things so messed up.
Why should men expect different, when God said do not fornicate or commit adultery–I know he was talking to errrbody. Not just women. This thinking also warps women into expecting men to heaux. I do not expect this!
Yet, men have somehow twisted women into believing it is ok for them but not for us…THEY have se.x with US!? So how can it be good for one part of the equation an not the other. Mathematics applied to life. If they did not, we could not—and vice versa.
You're right, man is not supposed to fornicate or commit adultery amongst many things that we still do and have done since the beginning of time. I do not expect men to heax nor was that even my point. Men and women are not equal in how we deal with emotions. This is not "warped thinking" but reality. I can dream up the world to be how I like it where we are all the same but it doesn't make it reality and life is unfair. I'm not blind. If I look around, I clearly see women do not handle free s.ex like men do. And quite frankly, if we all engaged in this s.exual freedom type of thinking, we would have one big mess.
At the rate men think about s.ex and produce sperm, combined with the fact that they aren't hormonal as we are makes perfect sense that it would be easier for them to sleep around than us. They don't even form emotional attachments the same.
I'm not saying one is better than the other. I'm simply saying it is what it is. If a woman sleeps with 80 men and tells her man, she better be prepared to be called a heax. Plain and simple. Women don't have d*cks and we don't go around f*cking…we get f*cked. It's not my above thinking that has things so messed up. It's the fact that majority male and female do sleep around which has brought about an onslought of diseases and over-population. Instead of trying to be like men. Why don't we just be women and pray for our brothers since we should be following God like you say?
Me personally, I don't sleep around…just with my man and I like the fact that he doesn't sleep around either.
Good post @SmartFox
Most Women want to sleep with one man and the sex gets better over time
Most men want to sleep with as many women…
"While On mentoring… where the eff are the parents?!?!! Let’s do community wide parenting classes or something… dang…"
Let the church say…AMEN! This is CRUCIAL, and many people forget this. The most effective mentor relationships I've seen (program based and grass roots) have been those where the parents are included. Don't just speak with the child, speak with the parents. Discuss the goals of the relationship and how they effect that child. Then, find a way to help that child cope when in their home environment…that is critical to their success. They are with you for an isolated amount of time, but their reality can be very different.
The other thing is kids that come from "stable" homes/environments need mentors too. They may have it "ok" where they are…but there is a mean world out there. Let's not forget them.
"A way to teach a child is to live your life responsibly in the presence of the child."
You said so much with that. Credibility is key! You have to be mindful of what you say and do when dealing with youth. They are sponges. The older and more intelligent they become, the more dangerous our actions can be. Think about how you dresss, the music you listen to, the things you value (money, clothes, cars, etc.)…if you're telling them there's more to life than those things they will think you're nuts. That whole, "do as I say, not as I do " crap is bull.
I try to tell people that Cam'ron might be ignorant, but some of my favorite quotes are from him:
"They look up to me? They need to look up to their parents. That's a problem!" – He said this in the interview with Bill O'Reilly.
In mentoring prepare yourself to find out that when dealing with an underachieving youth, they might be the most responsible person in their family. I mentored a cat who told me his mother cooked for them everyday. She put on a can of vegetables and brought home Popeyes and left right away for her night job… as a waitress at a strip club.
In mentoring also prepare yourself to find the overlooked child. Their are children who are marginalized in very good homes just because their parents are too busy focused on themselves to notice their children.
I put the onus on the parents, but I do recognize that it takes a community to build and we've got to step in where those parents aren't able to.
@ hugh and beef
im digging this conversation! and LOL @ it will work bc God says it will. that had me rollin!!!
to find a middle ground i think beefs point is if males dont focus so much on sleeping with girls they wont find it necessary to get attention that way and will stop hoing themselves around.
it sounds like hughs point is females need to stop being so willing to be used like that and know how to keep their legs shut. its just as much their own fault as it is the guys fault bc theyre the ones providing the body.
bring it together: they all need to hold themselves responsible for putting an end to the focus on sex. males can give females attention for good girl qualities, girls can take the time to develop them, both parties can stop sleeping around.
Let me but in…
they all need to hold themselves responsible for putting an end to the focus on sex. males can give females attention for good girl qualities, girls can take the time to develop them, both parties can stop sleeping around.
Can we apply this to the imagery in media?
We are talking about little children right? The same kids that a few years ago played with sticks and rocks? It sounds nice that all our little sisters could be virgins until their late 30s, but that will not be the case. They're smashing. Too much ish happens from being irresponsible. I don't think being sexually responsible (for a young child) is strictly what you all are stating.
Like a said, it sounds nice. So tell a little girl that keeping her legs closed is important and to save it for someone special. Every guy she likes is special and she'll prolly give it up to every guy she like. Then you could scare her with the Bible and say that she'll go to Hell for not waiting until marriage, then she starts to search for her own identity while noticing various double standards and lashes out at the sexual repressed construct and roles imposed upon her since she was little. Then she'll prolly have sex with every guy insight.
This approach of sex being a "precious gift to give" approach doesn't work. How about we take it off the pedestal all together?
The opening monologue from "He's not that into you" sums this up perfectly.
Paraphrasing:
"From birth women are told they are special or guys are mean to them because they like them. They aren't special and guys are mean because the guy is mean."
People, if you think you deserve to be happy then I ask "Why?" and "How?" What have you done to deserve anything when it comes to relationships?
that was a heavy, HEAVY question. when i commented on kemas comment earlier something similar to that went through my head when i was talking about ppl reforming themselves and mixing with good ppl.
do they deserve the opportunity to be with someone perfect? what have you done to be worthy of me, a good girl/guy, when youve been messing up for so long?
on a personal level i got a good guy. this situation is out of my experience but from the outside looking in everyone deserves forgiveness and thier shot at perfection. everyone is more than deserving of happiness and fulfilment regardless of what youve done in the past. matter fact, i think if you have a colored past youre the most deserving of a better future for the simple fact that you now recognize its what youre worth as a human being.
@MeteroMan
Wow, you have no faith whatsoever that we could do better huh?
You seem to be saying we should just give up the fight and keep on down the path of self-destruction.
It starts in your home. I may not be able to save the world, but I can teach my children what I know and hope they one day come back to that teaching.
""""This approach of sex being a “precious gift to give” approach doesn’t work."
Sex is something YOU do. Your body, soul, and mind engage in this act NOT JUST YOUR BODY! Therefore, if you don't see this as precious…I find that sad.
Sex is not something mechanical and outside of you. YOU ARE PRECIOUS—aren't you
Look, I'm saying let's go in a entirely different direction when teaching children about sex. Children over the years have been taught that sex is extremely important, not directly. Children see sex everywhere, people in their community are characterized as walking sexual orientations, their virginity is the most important part of them, showing them twisted visions of what it means to be manly/womanly, etc… Doing the same thing while expecting different results is insane.
Take it off the pedestal. Notice that children will do everything adults say absolutely not to do?
Sex is what you make it. Personally it depends on who it's with. Isn't that the most important part, not the simple act itself?
@ meteor
its possible to keep your legs shut until marriage because *i* did it.
it was possible because my mother was a stay at home mom and she had the time to invest in my character, my sense of value, my sense of self worth. she showed me what it means to be a true young lady who turns into a good woman and wife so when i got into the real world i was disgusted by the media to the point i stopped listening to music, watching movies, reading magazines etc. bc they were so opposite to my sense of value.
it repulsed me to give in to fornication or temptation or anything of that manner. you have to have a strong mind and an unbreakable, immovable spirit, be tough and withstand great pressure. it takes endurance, fortitude, and a strong sense of self but its MORE than possible.
If you did that Merry- that ish is admirable! I think if I did that I would have exploded. I must say that often times women keep there legs closed but other things open bec of that thing called lust. Lust is one of the biggest sins and god knew that when he was creating a p*nis and a v*gina; two parts that damn near carry their own personality etc..Its important to have self control but I cant even be a hypocrit and say that an orgasm isnt a great achievement for me, whether I create it alone or with another. But since I respect the orgasm so much I take my time and get to know someone, practice caution and am picky, I dont get involved in anyway with a man that I dont believe is a good prospect for fatherhood. All this sex going on though, I dont believe that people are having this amazing boombastic orgasm that they should bec they are doing it to casually so there isnt much connection besides a physical one. This question opened door for a whole other article that I look forward to reading, but I am curious to know the responses from both men and women. Can they keep pants on before marriage period! I think for most women we believe that our first will be our last; it just doesnt end up that way for the most part.
@ pink
thank you!!! it wasnt easy but like i said, it takes a lot of internal strength to keep it together, a very sound mind, and sound judgement. and trust. there was DEFINITELY an explosion and its a non stop thing.
girls dont know what theyre missing out on by keeping their legs closed. you find a good, good man who takes care of you as a person beforehand. thats what courtship is all about. he gets to know you specifically just to know you and take care of you and increases your value. it feels good in a number of ways but thats not the point!
the point is knowing who you are FIRST and then letting a man take care of your value in that belief is the best feeling in the world. you want an orgasm? let the man you love touch your life and hold out for him until marriage.
@merry e-life
Waited until marriage to do the 'do' — *TipsHat2you* Wow!!
But I have to ask.
Was it the same for your hubby as well, did he hold out until you two were married too?
@ girlsixx
(is secretely having an internal war of 'do i protect his business or do i provide it to teach a lesson')
i will say this, bc im never open about anything concerning his personal life or personal business just bc i know hes an extremely private person, as a virgin going into a relationship i had no problems being open with him bc hes a very upstanding man with his sense of morality and integrity so hes extremely choosey.
#hopingyouresmartenoughtogetitwithoutmehavingtosayit
Mrs. Bacon and I don't disagree on what should be ideal, just on the reality on how we got to this situation. We both agree men have always want $ex, but she’s saying women wanted to please men so women became more active. I’m saying women wanted to become liberated and became more active, so now men no longer have to put much effort into having $ex.
MeteorMan: “This approach of sex being a “precious gift to give” approach doesn’t work. How about we take it off the pedestal all together?”
The effects of taking it off the pedestal altogether would be much more disastrous than treating it as a precious gift to give.
The effects of taking it off the pedestal altogether would be much more disastrous than treating it as a precious gift to give.
Yeah, this is where we disagree. In my eyes, things are already disastrous and that method has already failed. Just like the legalization of a known drug, some people will go overboard but it will remain controlled. Focus should be on teaching sexual responsibility. No it's not a clean and easy way, but it has the best long term effects.
It's more than about just telling children what to do. It's about demonstrating that in own own lives. Taking it off the pedestal includes it's importance in media as well. It means raising children and teaching them a standard of beauty ourselves instead of asking media to arbitrarily to do the right thing.
@ meteor
so youre saying you think bc of the saturation of sex and fornication in the world its pretty much an out of control downward spiral. theres no way to stop it.
i agree with you. i think at this point the world is doomed to collapse into a life of meaningless sex, parties, drug abuse, entertainment, extreme moral and financial bankruptcy etc. etc. but i think where hugh and beef are correct is that its still possible to be the few who dont give in to it.
its still possible to believe there IS different. that you ARE a person of value and you have a gift worth saving and giving to the right person. its just that no matter what you see in the world, no matter what is said, no matter what is put in your mind, you have to believe in your value as a person and know what youre worth.
@ Merry and Meteor
Maybe this is just the way it is in the last days and what merry says in her last paragraph is right.
This is what will seperate the wheat from the chaff I guess.
@ beef
thats pretty much how i feel about it. thats why i like dr. j's proposal to mentor and i stressed the importance of becoming a better person beforehand.
if this is the end, if this is it, we need to reach as many ppl as we can. live right, live with purpose, consider yourself valuable and go out like a champion.
thats an awesome message to put on a pedastal.
MeteorMan: "Yeah, this is where we disagree. In my eyes, things are already disastrous and that method has already failed. Just like the legalization of a known drug, some people will go overboard but it will remain controlled. Focus should be on teaching sexual responsibility. No it’s not a clean and easy way, but it has the best long term effects.
It’s more than about just telling children what to do. It’s about demonstrating that in own own lives. Taking it off the pedestal includes it’s importance in media as well. It means raising children and teaching them a standard of beauty ourselves instead of asking media to arbitrarily to do the right thing."
Well, let me start off by saying you will get no argument from me over legalizing drugs.
But to the topic: from what I can tell by your past comments, I assume you’re a pretty empirical guy like I am. You say the “precious gift” approach has failed, but I say the brief foray into the “pedestal removal” has been absolutely devestating. Look at the effects of “free love” so far. Broken hearts, broken families, escalating STD rates, people forsaking marriage, millions of aborted children, illegitimate children and all the concomitant effects of fatherless households. Don’t get me wrong, I quite enjoyed having access to easy pu$$y over the past decade, but can we really take an honest assessment and say it’s been for the best?
It’s more than $exual responsibility because you are reducing it to a meaningless act. It’s not called “making love” for nothing. True, it isn’t about making a connection with someone all the time; even in marriage, a husband will have $ex with his wife sometimes simply because he needs to bust a nut. But to treat $ex as simply a meaningless act of congress is bound to fail, because you can’t completely separate the physical from the emotional and spiritual. To try to separate that aspect is a completely soul-destroying thing that no one would compare to any other act we deem as emotional. It would be like saying not to mourn for a loved one that passed because all life ends and they were going to die someday anyway.
$exual responsibility is even a non-starter from a physical aspect. Condoms don’t stop all diseases, like HPV and crabs, and can tear. And to argue children will be repressed and lash out doesn’t work in my opinion, because that argument can be used to eliminate parenting altogether. Kids will fight, so don’t tell them not to. Kids are selfish, so don’t tell them to share. It’s a dangerous thing when you elevate simple pleasure and hedonism to be the greatest good.
@ Meteor, I agree with this intimately : "But to treat $ex as simply a meaningless act of congress is bound to fail, because you can’t completely separate the physical from the emotional and spiritual" I preach this to my friends and dudes allll the time!!!
@ Hugh
That was amazing! Not just because I agree with you, but because it is the TRUTH.
@Hugh Comment down below.
So was I the only one thought a new movie was coming out??
Anyway, congrats SBM team!
Giving back and in-kind gifts is going to be my major focus. I think we can give back in so many ways we don't even recognize. A little time never hurts. I'm sure my giving back motivation has something to do with my graduate work but yeah give back men. We have to, if we want to see more men growing – another reason I like this site.
-starts a new box for the hugh, meteor, beef, animate convo-
you know i dont think wed be having this discussion if value was discussed in the home. if everyone grew up in homes where their parents taught them self worth than the world would be created of ppl of value.
do you guys think its possible to create a world within a world? a seperate community where morals and values are taught in the home, where ppl are strengthened as a whole in their identity and sense of value before going out into the culture of mainstream practices?
That is already somewhat done currently with Amish communities.
I don't think its a good idea though because at some point people will see what they were kept away from and naturally be intrigued by it. I think children should start off with their experiences controlled by the parents but as they get older they are allowed to make their mistakes and learn from them in the wilderness that is life.
I don't want my future daughter(s) to grow up thinking that every man is out to treat her like daddy does (will). I will teach her that daddy should be the standard by which they are judged or something along the lines of they should treat her as I treat her mother.
The same will go for my son(s). Sewing your royal oats is irresponsible so I will not encourage it and will reinforce how I think a man should behave when it comes to the opposite sex.
Animate- Your words are admirable and I hope that your actions will be as well 🙂
i can dig it. at an early age you teach them right from wrong and then let them go out into the world and decide for themselves what to do.
i think what youre saying is that in order to teach you have to expose them to what theyre going to be encountering out there. you cant just completely isolate them. i understand that point.
i believe if you do a good job of raising your kids and teaching them right from wrong they may experience *some* of the degredation of the world but they wont get lost to it or build their beliefs around it. i think itd be good to do that in an environment that you can somewhat control like you said. its like a parents version of a life filter.
@Hugh,
to treat $ex as simply a meaningless act of congress is bound to fail, because you can’t completely separate the physical from the emotional and spiritual. To try to separate that aspect is a completely soul-destroying thing that no one would compare to any other act we deem as emotional. It would be like saying not to mourn for a loved one that passed because all life ends and they were going to die someday anyway.
You know, they say that people should celebrate the death of the loved one since they will no longer be exposed to the harshness of this world.
You say you can't separate sex from emotional and spiritual, but it happens everyday. I'm not trying to define a universal rule of how sex is related to the emotional or spiritual aspect of a person. But I dare say that is individual specific. There do exist people who at least for some part of their lives, are able to have sex without becoming emotionally attached. The notion does exist. But you know what, you can't tell if a person belongs to the group of people just by looking at them. All you know is that there are people like that who exist. Why not have a teaching to hinges on responsibility and accountability? -> the common denominators. The same could be said for the existence of homosexuals inside of a society that focuses on uber-masculinity. You could have a child and you don't know their sexual preferences just by looking at them (mostly). But you can educate that child and on the various sexual orientations they may encounter. What you're saying in analogous to conversations condemning homosexuality. Which in turn spouts homo-phobia. What you're saying sprouts double standards and judgment of people who may choose to have sex freely (but responsibly).
hmm. when ppl die it doesnt really affect me bc im not usually an emotionally attached person. i dont see any reason to be but thats life and death. that out of my or anyone elses control. theres no reason to be attached to what can be lost without any warning but on the flipside, when i know something can be gained for a lifetime i go all in emotionally.
sex can be controlled. you can control your urges ppl just choose not to bc the world makes it so acceptable to be loose. thats where having a sense of value and worth and a strong mind comes in. you shouldnt be detaching emotions from an experience God meant to be spiritual and monogamous. its unnatural and inexcusable.
God all powerful. I'm sure if it wasn't meant to happen or unnatural it'll be impossible.
when ppl die it doesnt really affect me bc im not usually an emotionally attached person. i dont see any reason to be but thats life and death. that out of my or anyone elses control. theres no reason to be attached to what can be lost without any warning but on the flipside, when i know something can be gained for a lifetime i go all in emotionally.
sex can be controlled. you can control your urges ppl just choose not to bc the world makes it so acceptable to be loose. thats where having a sense of value and worth and a strong mind comes in.
And this where I've wanted this to go… Why does having sex with someone lowers one's "value" as a person? That whole construct is messed up. That reduces individuals to the number of partners they had as some measure of the person. That makes no sense.
The value of a person is not simple as the supply and demand of widgets. Mostly because a person is valuable even when no one values them, including themselves. And widgets can't value themselves. This scale of "value" isn't shared amongst everyone. It's different. Any woman who is a virgin doesn't have more value than any woman who isn't. That virgin may think she does. People all have the same value and should be treated as such.
Applied to children, I'll teach responsibility. Humans are self punishing. They should be ashamed if they were irresponsible, not because they chose to have sex. Granted sometimes having sex is irresponsible.
meteor, lol. youre putting in one hell of a fight to defend fornication. hughs explained it. beefs explained it. ive explained it. youre being stubborn but if you found something of substance to get behind youd be a very headstrong individual.
if you had a special gift, something you were especially proud of and worked hard for, put your love, tears, sweat, and joy into it, if the gift was wrapped in your soul, would you give it to a lot of ppl or to one person who would appreciate the work you put in?
MeteorMan: “You know, they say that people should celebrate the death of the loved one since they will no longer be exposed to the harshness of this world.”
Yes, they say that, but does it take the emotion of hurt and loss away? That’s my point about trying to detach the spiritual and emotional from the physical. You can’t rationalize the emotion away.
“You say you can’t separate sex from emotional and spiritual, but it happens everyday. I’m not trying to define a universal rule of how sex is related to the emotional or spiritual aspect of a person. But I dare say that is individual specific.”
Actually, I said $ex without emotion can happen, and even gave the example that it can happen in the confines of marriage. I’m saying it can’t happen indefinitely, and it certainly isn’t what we would want as a standard in society, given the fruit that it has beared thus far. I agree with you that it is individual specific.
“The same could be said for the existence of homosexuals inside of a society that focuses on uber-masculinity. You could have a child and you don’t know their sexual preferences just by looking at them (mostly). But you can educate that child and on the various sexual orientations they may encounter. What you’re saying in analogous to conversations condemning homosexuality. Which in turn spouts homo-phobia. What you’re saying sprouts double standards and judgment of people who may choose to have sex freely (but responsibly).”
I guess I’m being slow at the end of a “work” day, but I don’t see how this relates to my argument of the inability or difficulty of separating emotion and spirituality from $ex. Are you just saying a guy can have $ex with a man and not care because he’s simply trying to get a nut off, or are we talking about different things? I’m not condemning anyone, I’m saying $ex is deeper than two people lying together. I guess since you are talking about education and I’m not, something is getting lost in translation.
Yeah. Something got loss in brain to keyboard translation… my bad.
I was trying to say that there isn't a universal rule on the emotional effect of sex. There doesn't need to be one. But responsibility and accountability is something that should be a priority universally. We can't bank on the fact that someone will have emotions b/c they had sex. But we can put in the minds of children that responsibility and accountability are paramount. Given sometimes having sex is irresponsible, it would give the desired affect of you and merry spoke of. I'm saying we instill the sense of value and ownership of one's own development into the young that we had to learn to do for ourselves. We had to learn to importance of self-cultivation. In today's'; young there's not sense of that. They just do what people tell them to, or the exact opposite of what people tell them to do.
OK, we’re back on track. I was completely lost for a second.
I agree with your points on responsibility and accountability, but where we differ is you view the emotional effect of $ex as a rule, whereas I think it’s intrinsic to the human experience. I don’t view the emotion as something you can turn on or off like a light switch, or dismiss as a social artifact that can be corrected by teaching different values.
You spoke of the undesirable effects merry and I mentioned (I'll leave merry out of it, as she is clearly able to speak for herself). I mentioned "Broken hearts, broken families, escalating STD rates, people forsaking marriage, millions of aborted children, illegitimate children and all the concomitant effects of fatherless households." Of those six consequences that I mentioned (not a comprehensive list), only two of them can be prevented or at least greatly reduced by "responsibility and accountability". I guess you can eliminate broken hearts and broken families, because that can happen with or without responsible $ex. But the STD threat is still there, as well as delaying or eliminating marriage. So there is still a huge downside even with being responsible and accountable, and that's assuming you can turn off the emotional, spiritual, social and religious stigmas.
I don’t view the emotion as something you can turn on or off like a light switch, or dismiss as a social artifact that can be corrected by teaching different values.
I think that emotion is what you say it is. However, if I randomly picked out individuals that recently had sex. Not all of them would say that every prior sexual experience coincided with emotional involvement. Emotions usually can't be controlled, but that also goes for their existence and as well as nonexistence. Emotional effect as well as the absence of emotional effect is intrinsic to the human experience.
I disagree. Telling children to not have sex doesn't mean they won't have sex. Children are not so well behaved. STD rates would still rise like they have.
While pushing for responsibility and accountability we get lower rates of STD contractions, abortions, etc for free. What we are trying to do is teach them how to be responsible. Instead we've been trying to scare them and hide them from the realities of sex hoping they learn to be responsible at some point. That's why things are where they are. If we want them to be sexually responsible, let's teach them to be responsible all around.
example: demonstrating to young men the importance of accountability would change the overall treatment of young women. That paired with them being responsible would NOT have them forsake marriage because they know they would be held accountable according to the system that governs the institution of marriage.
Telling a child not to have sex b/c bad things might happen is like giving them a fish. Teaching them to be responsible is teaching them how to fish.
why thank you hugh! i appreciate the compliment and honorable mention, its nice to be included in that respect.
I think we reached the point where we just have to agree to disagree. Given the rise in adolescent $exual activity and STDs, and starting $ex-ed in earlier and earlier grades, I think talking about $ex and exposing them to $ex simply isn't working.
Beef Bacon: "That was amazing! Not just because I agree with you, but because it is the TRUTH."
Thanks. Agree or not, it's about the exchange and the conversation.
Animate: “I don’t think its a good idea though because at some point people will see what they were kept away from and naturally be intrigued by it. I think children should start off with their experiences controlled by the parents but as they get older they are allowed to make their mistakes and learn from them in the wilderness that is life.”
Truth.com. MeteorMan has a point about how repression can lead to rebellion. I don’t want my twelve-year old watching p0rn, but they need to see the real world. Parenting should be teaching your kids about the real world, not hiding it from them.
I am so mad that I came in the 9th inning/11th Hour… Good Post…
My resolution is simple…
Be a SuperWhore… AND Numbers DO MATTER…
Thanks
todays post was a good one. lots of heavy topics were discussed and theres a lot of positives to take away from this.
theres a proposal to start making changes as males to better yourselves and focus more on becoming better ppl. to resolve yourself to experiencing more substantial and significant relationships.
theres a lot of ideas floating around for how to make that happen. a lot of positive commentary floating about in regards to moving forward.
and i think the overall thing to take away was that answering this call and saying yes to this proposal would allow males, all of us, to go back and help younger generations as we grow as people.
niiiiice.
I came to the party too late, but great post (I can't stand websense blockpage). Read a little bit of the convo about sex, women wanting to be pleasing, men wanting sex, cause and effect? That's like the debate about which came first the chicken or the egg? Surprised so much time was spent on that debate. Happy New Year Everyone!
Another pretty good book is 'The Color Complex' I don't remember the author. And I'm almost sure that's the title. *can't remember shit*
I am a big fan of keeping it real with myself and the people around me. Unfortunately, most people would rather hear a lie that puts a smile on their face than hear the truth that leaves a knot in their throat. I love when people are truthful with me because it allows me to grow as a person. Certain characteristics about people can never change (innate characteristic such as personality and temperament and other characteristics can be changed (habits and unconscious behaviors that require self-reflection). Keeping it real is a lifetime goal/resolution in my life, not just a resolution for a new year.
Much Love,
Christina =)