- Technically, it is Black History Month…
**Admin Note – SingleBlackMale.org is all over today, if you are in the D.C. area, Dr. J will be at Park at 14th today for Happy Hour, the event is free before 10PM, details here: https://singleblackmale.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/TheBlogSpot_II.jpg. For those of you in the NYC area, Slim Jackson is at Turtle Bay, intersection of 52 and 2nd from 9-12! Say “Slim Jackson” at the door to get 1/2 off all drinks! Enjoy and thank y’all for the support!**
I read an article earlier this week about how people whom are addicted to internet p*rn were losing their sex drive. I didn’t know how to take this article. It was put best by my former neighbor, “I watch p*rn like women watch wedding shows … all day on Sunday.” Really where do most men learn most things about sex? Trust me it is not by trial by error. This article sought to bring out some things that were very interesting as well. They talked about how an addiction to internet adult film stars leads to men who fascinate about having sex with those women when having sex with their partners. They even told a story of a man who rushes home from work to masturbate to internet p*rn before his wife came home. Moreover, once she arrived at home, he was no longer in the mood.
I beg to differ. Some of the best things I do in the bedroom I learned on some of these internet sites. But there are other ways that people can learn how to be better in bed, and also have a greater sex life. One of the first things I learned from working in a high-end consulting firm was, The Matrix Approach. The Matrix Approach is the idea that you will not just use the best idea to solve a problem, but several ideas to solve a problem, attacking the problems from all sides to create a thorough solution. Therefore, that’s my recommendation to anyone looking to have a great sex life.
Internet P*rn. The pornography industry grosses nearly $100 billion a year. To put that in perspective people spend more money on this industry than; Facebook, Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple and Netflix make combined. With that said, obviously it’s “showing” people something. My advice is don’t take what you see on the internet too seriously. Keep in mind that it takes a certain type of person to go into the adult film business … your wife may not be down for that. But you can at least take away a few new moves in the bedroom, at least, that awkward position you’ve been trying to get her in. It’s a video tutorial!
Online and Print Reading Material. There is a wealth of information on the internet and in books. There are authors who dedicate their entire careers to improving your sex life. They can tell you everything from how to get a woman in the mood to how to make her squirt. Public Service Announcement: The data suggests that many women would rather you not go down on them because you have no clue what you are doing. Pick up a book. I learned 75% of what I know about the land down under from websites and an episode of Friends.
Talk To People. The worst thing you can do after you have sex with a person is to just sit there and stare at the ceiling. At a minimum talk to your partner about your sex life. But your friends can also be a great source of how to improve as well. How many women have had a conversation with their girls about something they tried that drove their man wild? Men don’t really do this, but what we do is tell tall tales of what happened in the sack. If you scrape off a little of the luster, you can take away a few tips.
Have sex regularly. Has anyone here read the book Outliers? If you haven’t check out what Gladwell has to say about the 10,000 hour rule. Basically he states that nobody reaches the professional ranks without putting in 10,000 hours of practice at their craft. That’s the equivalent of 20 hours a week for ten years. With that said, one of the best ways to improve your sex life is by having sex. In my opinion, have it as often as possible. I know some of you women struggle with the ability to do that because of access and monthly cycles, but do what you have to do. Most sexually active individuals know what’s it’s like to have a person who hasn’t had any in a while, or you can tell they don’t have a lot of experience doing. It’s not nice.
I’m advising you to use several different strategies to improve your sex life. Try The Matrix Approach, don’t just use one approach. The one thing I’ll definitely advise you against, is thinking that you are Jon Blaze. There’s always room for improvement. Most people continue to be wack at bedroom activities because they refuse to seek out ways to be better. Even if you think you’re Dionysus himself, you can always learn something new. As I’ve stated before, you have to approach your sex life like game day; practice, watch film and study, scrimmage and have a walk-through, once you’ve done your homework, you’re ready to win a championship.
What are some ways that you’ve been able to improve your sex life? Any secrets that you have that you’d like to share? I’m all eyes. If you don’t have anything to share, I’ll just go back to watching reality shows … on the internet … with people and no clothes on.
As a guy who hasn't had alot of sexual experience… Learned alot from different forms of media…
Like All That Azz 10especially books… which will come in handy for all the women I will be sleeping with from now until 125…I really wish that my fellow brethren would be open to becoming better sex partners…
I can't stand it the 3 out of 10 women can't have an orgasm…
And 7 out of 10 can't c*m from Sir Pumpington…
P*sses me off…
Good Dr. Jay
#ManToMan, #NoHomo
Some women are too much in their head when it comes to sex. Maybe a little selfishness is needed in order to achieve that O. Some of my best O’s come from me zoning out and enjoying what is happening. Of course, you can’t do that during the act all the time. But when you feel is coming, you have to keep it coming by just chilling and letting him do his magic.
After that, you can worry about how you look, what you look like doing it and if he likes it…smh.
It is hard to imagine some women not getting there…Since I have been chexing…I have been…so it sort of hard to fathom actually.
My belief that it is up to the male to make sure she gets off…
#that is all… Lincoln Blades disagrees with me though
Ive never heard that stat about the 7 out of 10 men. Do you mean they do not instead of cant?
@Kema, I think he's trying to say 7 out of 10 women can't come from penile penetration alone. I THINK…
@Redlady,
That would be sad to say the least. I can't imagine not getting several during that…lol. Dang why did I take my half day yesterday again?
Maybe some of them are like me. If I do not climax from oral beforehand there is not chance for penetration. However, If I get the head first then I'm ok.
ok… would make sense I guess… lol!
Co-Sign, this blog will help me with my proof-reading issues… Thank You
Co-Sign, this blog will help me with my proof-reading issues… Thank You
No he meant 7 out of 10 men can't c*m from the vag, they need to pull out and jack off or have her suck it. I don't know if that's true though. Problem with a lot of men is they lose the ability to do that because they are always trying to keep themselves from coming when inside of the vag. When it's actually time to do it, they have forgotten how.
7 out of 10 women can c*m from penile penetration… idk what is up with the men… But I’m sure the majority of them aren’t “suffering” like the women are
7 out of 10 women can c*m from penile penetration… idk what is up with the men… But I'm sure the majority of them aren't "suffering" like the women are
Some women are too much in their head when it comes to sex. Maybe a little selfishness is needed in order to achieve that O. Some of my best O's come from me zoning out and enjoying what is happening. Of course, you can't do that during the act all the time. But when you feel is coming, you have to keep it coming by just chilling and letting him do his magic.
After that, you can worry about how you look, what you look like doing it and if he likes it…smh.
It is hard to imagine some women not getting there…Since I have been chexing…I have been…so it sort of hard to fathom actually.
I have never read books or looked to online tutorials for sex tips. Pleasing comes naturally to me. #TeamAquarius…anywho…I think both men and women kinda miss the mark when they mentally check out of the sexual experience.
Personally, I am always aware of everything that is going on in that moment. I'm constantly thinking during sex. I pay attention to where my fingertips are placed, what to say and how to say it, what it feels like when I blow, suck, lick, kiss or caress this or that, I'm even conscious of what my face looks like (lol).
Great sex is a head game. You have to be able to read your partner and know what he or she wants. It drives me crazy (in a bad way) when a dude does a random ass move that he clearly read somewhere or saw in a movie and ruins good passionate sex. Did I signal to you, "Yes, please put me in a headstand then flip me over your back and put me in a wheel barrel position."?<—– there's a time and a place for everything.
MilleAMillion, your zodiac sign ain't got sh*t to do with you in the bedroom. Basically for most of you who named one way of how you have become "great" at sex. I'm just saying think about it like this, you can be classically trained … people probably think you're great at the paino. But what if you were trained, classical, modern, jazz, etc. It would change your perspective on what great is. I'm sure there are some women who are good at giving BJs because they can really shoot the 3, but they only got one great move and it works everytime. Meanwhile there's a chick out there who can shoot the 3, work without the ball, score in the paint, and has a midrange game too. Just food for thought, don't let it go to waste.
Isn't that what I was saying?
As a life long perv, I have noticed there is a large number of 'researchers' who are trying to prove that self love is bad for your chex life. They are the same people who use to tell you that jerking it would turn you blind or god kills a kitten every time you reach for a kleenex.
Trust me, people who get theirs in everyday as just better to be around and pron helps that happen. Keeps your creativity following.
Now, sometimes your chex life isn't going as good as Prince Yashua or your favorite blogger and maybe some individuals turn to the internet to quickly for a fix instead of resolving their own relationship issues. And too often I have found myself in what my homeboys describe as the pron wormhole. Where I was only looking for watch once video and get a quick nut before I started my busy day…. and multiple hours later I am still sitting in my draws watching the sixth Oso Lovely video.
The best way to improve your chex life? For men I would say improve your stamina: Both cardio and keeping that momment down until you are ready. Every guy has that thing they think about to calm them down. Me? That time in Haiti that I had to give my grandmother a bath. I got to be carefule b/c that thought is so powerful it not only stops sea man, its also known to drop wood density.
For girl, I would say improve comfort levels. Shy girls are fun, but once the clothes come off that crap needs to stop. No once likes dealing with girls to can't ride or don't like doing it with the lights on b/c they are insecure about their bodies.
Me? That time in Haiti that I had to give my grandmother a bath. I got to be carefule b/c that thought is so powerful it not only stops sea man, its also known to drop wood density.
CHeeKz, this had me screaming laughing at my desk..OMG…
Trust me, people who get theirs in everyday as just better to be around and pron helps that happen. Keeps your creativity following.
-Cosign
In addition to stamina, I think men should grind more and pump less.
**takes notes**
I am always studying and researching way to improve myself in the chex area. It is fun to try different things and to see and hear my boo's reactions. Life long learner is essential to become your best ;).
Some of my best moves however have come from pure observation. If I hear moans or see toes curl, I keep doing that. I like challenges.
I really HATE pron. IMO, it is not real. I don't watch it much but the little I have seen is more about getting shots of peens and punanny and a girl laying there being drilled. That's not what happens in my bedroom.
I am not sure if self pleasure or pron ruins libido's. As with anything I am sure moderation is the key.
I personally think p*rn is symptomatic of everything else that's wrong with America today: fast, and cheaply manufactured goods for mass consumption. We have an obesity epidemic because we choose McDonalds over healthy, home cooked meals. Small businesses can't compete because people would rather one-stop-shop at Walmart for lower prices. And now, men would rather have a 15 minute relationship with their computer screen than put in the effort with a real human being. And just like fast-food, most of the meaty parts advertised to the viewer aren't real (i'm looking at you Taco Bell).
No, but seriously, i think if more people saw p*orn as a cheap fix instead of some kind of indulgence, they probably wouldn't get to the point where they allow it to actually effect their relationships. most people understand that a diet of hamburger and fries for too long will mess you up, and people should view porn within the same vein
"No, but seriously, i think if more people saw p*orn as a cheap fix instead of some kind of indulgence, they probably wouldn't get to the point where they allow it to actually effect their relationships. most people understand that a diet of hamburger and fries for too long will mess you up, and people should view porn within the same vein "
Agreed.
I don't know.. it seems like you just don't like p*rn. P*rn isn't a cheap fix, it's a form of entertainment and stimulation. It would be hypocritical of anyone who digests anything meant for entertainment to make your claim about p*rn. When it gets to the point of affecting (affect is the verb) their relationships they've bought in hook line and sinker. But then again people get in arguments with their spouse over Grey's Anatomy or Football on Sunday. There are people who think that Peyton Manning is really their friend. There are people who believe Oprah is the only way of living. It's all under the same umbrella.
Co-Sign
And I love p*orn
So do I!
I hope men are not 'learning' moves from such places. I love p*rn… Dont get me wrong. But most of the times the stuff they do does not look like it feels good. More like it looks good.
I believe the best partners have been taught by someone else.
I hope this is not where young guys learn anything re chex. Not only will it set them up for failure, but it will have them trying to get the girl to bounce more instead of winding it more…lol.
I hope this is not where young guys learn anything re chex. Not only will it set them up for failure, but it will have them trying to get the girl to bounce more instead of winding it more…lol.
"I believe the best partners have been taught by someone else."
i learned most of what i know about s*x from someone else. not p*rn.
Cosign to an extent. I wont say pron taught me a lot but it taught me a few things. If you ever want to see/learn a new position, WATCH PRON!
I get the feeling that not everyone is watching the right p*rn. Plus, if you see my point above, I said, don't just take one of these, you want to use all of these. Multi-talented.
Dr. J, please elaborate on this right pron thing. I haven't watched it in a while and whenI tried not too long ago, it str8 turned me OFF instead of on.
Share please, my boo checked that on his kinky list so I wouldn't mind.
I think me being analytical doesn't help with this at all. I go str8 to analyzing why he doing this and why she doing that instead of just watching it.
The number one thing I've done to improve my sex life is take up yoga. It has made me very flexible which serves me well in chexy time.
I'm one of those guys who's had s*xual encounters in quantity…a great percentage of them were quality (according to my standards). I overall had fun in EVERY encounter. I've made it a loose objective to do so. For me, it's about the experience of exposing a side of myself that I can't expose often (due to my shyness). Even if the chic didn't look hotter than a bag of Hot Cheetos dipped in Texas Pete basking on the grounds of Mexico in July, I still had fun. Even if she wasn't an artistic performer, I still enjoyed the experience. And yes, although she had a S!xual Eruption and I didnt….I STILL….HAD…FUN. S*x is supposed to be FUN!!! Have FUN!! Roll around and play. Make sounds! Giggle and laugh. Play. Communicate. Explore!!! Be vulnerable and child-like (giddy). It shouldn't be so routine, logical, and objective. Although it helps to be artistic and practical..the experience should be about basking in the pleasant (and pleasurably painful) mixtures of nerve sensations and emotions. S*x is supposed to be a joyful experience. Sometimes we do it because we can..rather than….we should…in the moment. There should be a build up of events.
Which is why foreplay is sooooo vital. And I'm not talking about the stuff in the bedroom….I mean the subtle signs of teasing and the direct hints of "yea, you finna smash this tonight" that appear in the forms of passive aggressive tugs, touches, hugs, and gropes. I HATE when women play hard to get – automatic turn off; meaning my passionate flame submitted a vacation request because she's not giving it enough fuel to do its job. I'm talking about a preview of whats under her dress before the movie starts…in the movie theater. I'm talking about placing her hand ever so nonchalant-like over the buldge in your jeans, and whispering in her ear "that right there…is yours" The suspense-build that loudly screams…"yes…you will get it" not "you MIGHT get it…lets see what happens; keep your hopes up though".
If you want endurance gents….knock that first nut out of the way first via masturb*tion. Do it in front of each other…let her do it for you…or if she's good enough (and you're sensitive enough)…she can fallate. After that, you've added at least 10 minutes till your next earth shattering, cosmic big bang explosion.
I've had a few virgins; most people don't like to deal with them because it's a lot of maintenance. I guess peeps forgot where they came from – that they used to be virgins who needed some experience to build their resume. They forget that they used to be that rookie on the bench watching the pro stars while saying "put me in the game coach…gimme a chance to prove myself"
The great thing about experiencing a virgin is that they have NO SPONSORING thoughts about the standards of s*x besides what they've heard and what they've seen in the media. If you assume a teacher role, with a nonjudgmental approach, you can exposure a persons vulnerability and allow them to liberate themselves and HAVE FUN! They'll become the best s*x partners because they understand the fundamentals of s*x. There should be no OBJECTIVES. If your aim is to get that nut and you don't get it….you deem the whole experience a failure. The process is what makes the experience…not the end result.
I havent had sex with another (physically) since Mar 2010….and it was paid for (aye, it's always been a fantasy of mine [shrugs]), and one thing I've realized – if you have preconceptions about how it's gonna be, and objectives for your missionary positions….then you'll limit yourself in experiencing the joy in s*x that the Creator made destined for us. It's a tool (just like anything else) in which we can multiply and climax the love within.
….My $.69…. <<< Cancer sign
"Even if the chic didn't look hotter than a bag of Hot Cheetos dipped in Texas Pete basking on the grounds of Mexico in July,"
……..FlatLined……..
I approve this message…. *ThumbsUp*
I agree. People seem not to understand that foreplay is an 'all the time' type of thing, not just when you're in the bedroom.
And foreplay isn't always blatantly sexual.
I can't even really watch "regular" p*rn anymore after exploring all the innanetz has to offer. No matter who the actress or what the scenario I know it's all faked "oohs, aahs, and Oh God Yes's". And if she's just not into it….then neither is E_B jr. #cuesadtrombone
If I was to share anything it would be what I wrote on VSB last year regarding how to please a man. I know I shouldn't put myself out there but if you want to judge me, go on…the topic is about s.ex anyway.
This is my comment from VSB's post on what makes a woman good in bed:
1) LOVE your body – like really. I’m a complete nudist in my home. I love my body and know it well. Exactly what makes me “happy” and you should too.
2) Don’t be shy – you can’t be a shy lover and be a good lover. Let yourself go. Sometimes that’s all it takes for man to get into it when he sees how much you are into it.
3) Give it back – I almost always find a way to give it back….even if I’m on my back, I’m propped up on my elbows pushing right back at him. We have so much motion we can do that controls how our poon feels to him.
4) Be strong – seriously good s.ex is work so you will sweat and need to be strong. If it’s not work, then it’s boring. I use my thighs for almost everything including holding myself up or holding him down….
5) Try it – like Champ said, don’t be afraid of @nal. It’s great. Try a numbing lube if it hurts. When you’re on your cycle, you need a #2 option. Don’t be afraid to tea bag, that’s great too. Go nuts on tha d*ck…really lmao. Let him get into you too, smash his face in there, hands whatever…it’s all about exploration with me because everyone likes change. Don’t be afraid to use toys either.
6) Ride – this is hands down the best way to please your man but it takes lots of work and time to get it right. Once you know how he likes it, you’ll be queen in his eyes. I can’t even go into detail on this one w/o going into moderation. Let’s just say riding backwards with one hand rubbing the sack is what sent my ex into over drive every time.
7) Brain – this one’s a no brainer and good for when you’re too tired or need a quick release when you’re not at home. Learn to deep throat!!!
8 )Tricks – when it comes to s.ex, men are like kids and kids love tricks. They are visual so give them something to see. Practice alone and you’d be surprised what you can do. @ss tricks are golden.
9) Nasty – I don’t know what it is but men love a nasty woman. You can be a complete lady but you better be nasty in the sheets. I’m talking oober nasty. Let him feel like he can do anything to you or put it anywhere and you just take it like he’s king.
10) Love – it sounds corny but having s.ex with someone you love is the BEST. You know them so you are more comfortable. It just works better with little awkwardness.
Co-Sign!
I am with you an all except #5 SFG. I need a down time and since I am only a three dayer, He can wait! I don't want anything touching me sexually around that time of the month.
It is best to let you man understand that nature happens and that he needs to respect your body when healing/cleansing. When you have a baby, he has to wait even LONGER than your cycle…in the words of J.E. Jones, "Let them wait!"
I don't ever want to spoil my man into thinking he can get all the time anytime, that's not realistic and not hygienic either. Women have issues down there when we do things wrong. That time is meant for you to cleanse yourself, he can wait.
Something a little less intrusive might help. Those are the days when my head game becomes the main attraction. I still get mine and can watch him chill on the throne, as a king should.
LOL I agree with everything you said. This isn't a 24/7 type of thing. Of course we need a break from them or we're tired, etc. I learned the hard way that we should never spoil men. Good points.
SmartFoxGirl is a friend of mine. I support this advice, 1-10, you don't even need a witness.
Whoa!!! These are great tips:-))) *high five* *Goes through names in phone* LMAO!
Numbers 4-9 should be stressed…!
Numbers 4-9 should be stressed…!
practice makes perfect.
Interesting post J. In my opinion though, the most helpful will be the Have sex regularly and Talk to People tips. But more limiting 'people' to your partner. Books and pron might help establish a good foundation, especially if youre just f**king. However, women are unique as hell. Some like hair pulling and ass smacking, while others would cry bloody murder if you so much as stray too far outside of missionary.
However, pron in and of itself creates a false sense of reality by its very nature. I mean these women fake, A LOT. I think a lot of men fail to realize it's entertainment. Like the addicts you alluded to. Most women, for obvious reasons, aren't like pron stars otherwise they would be pron stars. To have that level of expecation for most women will be flawed. Still, nothing wrong with using pron as inspiration to grow together or spice things up. I'm speaking on a relationship more serious than FWB.
I have and probably will again work with pron in a professional capactity (not acting, there's more to the industry than just the movies) but you know I have a pretty liberal mindset. As I've gotten older and that experience behind the scenes has taught me a lot about the entertainment aspect of it. Sort of like rap music. What you see is not necessarily reality, it might not even be close.
Might help a lot of men to ask themselves would they marry a pron star and if not, why is there this level of expecation for their wife/girlfriend to be one?
Another good post on self-improvement, keep them coming guys
I don't know, so manu guys out here watch porn and think that real women want to get f*cked that way, but that's simply not the case. I for one don't want to have blow my back out, limping the next day sex and I don't want my exit turned into an entrance, either. Honestly, the talk in porn is fake and disrepsectful as hell, too, and I can only watch it on mute. It's sad that so many men think that this is what sex should be.
All I have to say is I accentally stumbled onto this blog today, and was pleasantly surprised by what I'm seeing. I blog site written for brothers, by brothers, and read by people of color on various issues that affect our communtity not only as people of color but simply as people. Incredible. I know this was off topic but keep up the great work. Great job Dr. J!
Having said that, I'll give this a try. I think porn is a very useful instructional tool to men as far as what to do in the bedroom. A general idea of what women like, but each an every partner is different, I'm not disagreeing with anything the brother Dr.J said here in his article rather I'm in agreement. Porn, reading on the subject, talking about it, and physically doing it (the best part) are the only ways one can improve.
When we hear about people saying internet porn ruins ones sex life, I think people are talking specifically about addiction. Addiction to anything will ruin anyones life in general and there are dudes who are addicted to porn, some people would rather watch porn than engage in the art of sex, for whatever reason.
Thus at the end Dr. J employs "several startegies", it takes effort to be good at something, at anything. The worse thing a brother can do is think he throws it down proper each and every time, you'd be delusional or you might have future career in porn awaiting you. lol
I think it's immensly important to talk to your partners, and learn what they like and what they dislike. Every woman is different, I've given the "O" to women who have never had one, and have failed to give it some who were use to having it frequently. I've been on both sides of the specturm, the "it" guy, and the "wack" guy. It wasn't until I actually cared about what my partners at what ever time of my life cared for, that I could become a more consistently better lover. If that makes sense? lol
Either way you guys have a new reader, great stuff!