M Dot: SBM. I got this brand new theory for you.
SBM: Do tell …
MD: Dating older guys are the key. They have gotten the clubbing and the women out their system, and their ready to settle down.
SBM: You sure about that …
MD: I mean yeah … of course. It makes sense.
SBM: Yeah, but haven’t you seen those older guys in the club. You think the 42 year old & single guy buying college seniors drinks is ready to settle down?
MD: Yeah … he’s got a biological clock doesn’t he?
SBM: *burries face in hands*
When I was younger, I spent a lot of time thinking about what was the perfect age of women I should target. If I went too young, I would have to deal with youthful nonsense, an altered view of dating, and a lack of experience. With a 25 year old woman, I might find something I liked, but who knows if she was in that “my career is everything” stage of her life. As you got close to 30, the marriage thirst g0t serious. Nothing worst then dating a woman who drops wedding magazines around your house. Post 30 was a sweet spot … beaten up by the lack of marriage, comfortable with herself, and lowered expectations (don’t be mad at me … accept it).
Basically, when it comes to age … I can stereotype women. The biological clock starts ticking, the mom starts asking about the ringless finger, and women start dreaming of a wedding. It’s predictable and the marrying age for women is set in stone. Once that age hits, she is ready to get married. She may not be married, she may have given up on marriage, but she 100% without doubt wants a husband (divorced doesn’t count … she already had one). End of story.
Men, for once, are more complicated. Men seem to get married all over the place, or never. With Black Men still winning, some are really taking advantage of the situation. Every man has picked an age range to get married. It could be 18, it could be 58 … every guy is different.
Think about it …
We all know someone who has gotten married at the “expected age”. Met their girl a little after college, stayed with her for a few years, then made a real woman out of her. Mid twenties marriage … just like our parents (well … maybe “thier” parents moreso then ours). They had a kid before 30 and things just sounded like something out of a sitcom. He set his internal age, entered “marriage mode”, and found his girl.
But then you went to the club later that night. You saw that 50 year old brother eyeballing every 20 something that walked near him. You know this guy (he’s “that” uncle). Has no plans to get married, loves the game , and can pick up girls half his age with ease.
Marriage Mode
When a man has decided he is ready for marriage, he enters marriage mode. They way he thinks about women and relationships changes. Suddenly the allure of the game is less appealing. The club might not be as fun. Intelligent conversation might actually matter again. And the days of dating 8 months before you get a title are gone. Either you are in wifey consideration … or your dead. It’s just like W.I.M. said yesterday , at this point dating more than 12 months without commitment is a waste of a woman’s time. He hasn’t hit the age and he isn’t in Marriage mode.
The decision to get married is a lot more personal and varied for men than women. For any woman trying to date or get married, look for the signs … don’t try and force it … cause it doesn’t work!
What is your marrying age? How can you tell if a man is close to his marrying age or not? Believe in marriage mode?
– SBM aka “I hit my age” aka “Texas was hot as hell”
Great post… I have a whole calculation for my perfect marrying age… Keyword MY. It used to be 28 years old but it has been pushed back to 30 because I’ve entered the “chasing my degrees phase” of life. So if I plan to be married by age 30, I should be engaged by 29 because I want to be engaged for a year. If I’m engaged by 29 that means I should have been dating my fiancé for 2-5 years prior. Call me old fashioned but im not trying to rush in. This means that from the age 24-27 I should start dating potential Mr. Right. I have a few more years before I reach 24, thank the Lord. This may be me living in dream land but oh well….Wishful thinking I guess.
I wish you well, you have it pretty much all mapped out.
2-5 years? We discussed this yesterday. I will not be sticking around with a dude for 2-5 years before he mentions marriage.
Well to be fair it sounds like the young lady is probably anywhere between 19-21 years of age and still pursuing college and graduate degrees. Also, there was no mention that there is NO talk or mention of marriage within that 2-5 year timeframe. Sounds as if you assumed that to be the case.
Pardon me, but when I see 2-5 yrs before a marriage proposal, I reflexively post to say I don't believe in that romantic practice. It's more a comment about how I feel about it, than saying I have any issue with HER choice.
This was the one beef I had with yesterdays post. It took me 2.5 years of dating to propose, and that doesn't seem crazy at all to me.
I 100% agree that a commitment and label shouldn't take more than 4 months, but if you are his girlfriend, and are treated as a girlfriend, then you do not need to hurry up and expect a ring 12 months after you are the GF.
I congratulate you on your engagement, but I do agree with yesterday's post. As I said yesterday, I'm not a HARD SELL. Someone shouldn't need to test drive me for multiple years before he knows whether I might be wife material. I've seen it be the case too many times that a woman held out for a guy for YEARS and it all went up in a puff of smoke, even when "everything was fine" beforehand. That just can't be me. To be honest, that might be my biggest relationship fear. That I fully commit to a person, they say they do as well, and then I find out they never had any intention of marrying me.
But hey, I'm one of those chicks that saw my parents' amazing marriage and life (and they're still together, 35+ years later), and thought, "Yeah, I want that." I wanted that at 14, I still want it now. I'm not into the extended test drive thing that's going on nowadays…
I understand someone only needs to "kick the tires" only a few times, but my parents dated 9 years before they got married and they are still together almost 30 years later.
I guess I just don't see how any woman personally could expect me to commit the rest of my life to them after 12 months of a relationship, especially if I'm only 25/26 myself.
Then, I also congratulate your parents. But nine years is way longer than I would stick around as well. If everything is going so well, what exactly is the issue? Nine years is longer than some marriages last? I just would not feel comfortable committing such a huge chunk of time where a really bad fight could end it all, with nothing to show for it. That really just can't be me.
And you talk about being 25/26 like a woman who wanted you to choose within a year a great dating would be rushing you or robbing you of the chance to explore other women during your youth, but a WOMAN'S youth (as has been said in rude, indelicate terms below), is much more important than a man's, and I find it a bit selfish that he'd ask her to commit that much time to him without the ultimate commitment. Nine years after 25 would be 34. That's already decreased fertility, for those women that ARE interested in having children.
I say all this because it's how I feel, but I don't want to make YOU feel any type of way, since I'm just happy to see there are still men that marry women in their 20s, and I think an engagement and a marriage is a happy occasion. But that's me. I highly value marriage. 🙂
I am with @Katwebb on this one @SBM…
Mostly a person should know if their partner is marriage material the moment (s)he lay eyes on them…
All that test driving seems foolish to me… 3 months tops…
Like I said a woman's prime years are 18-30, all things being equal… Men SHOULD drop women for a woman's own benefit if she wants marriage, but not worthy of a ring from him… (but then that would undermine her personal responsibility to see the writing on the wall)… I think it is the right thing to do… & I understand that relationships can get very sticky FAST
SSTTE
My marrying age is NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Say it again…………… Neva!!!!! Lol
I have been married, and like I said… it is the only club where the members do not recruit new ones.
I wouldn't say that. I routinely praise marriage to my mentees as a man who's entering his 10th year happily. However, marriage isn't for everyone and too often people marry out of euphoria, not reality.
I am glad to hear your marriage is going well DBG. Congrats.
LOL
Stopit!! (you ain't lying though)
But in all honesty, I am not 100% ANTI-MARRIAGE the 2nd time around but it would take alot for me to re-consider again.
LOL! This made me laugh. We WILL conquer you Stanley and Top5…We WILL
*Sets up meeting with women within 10 m radius of your city*
Lol Queen! Top lives in my city. *puts on sunglasses* I’m on the mission.
*Hands top secret agenda to krystyl*
Get ’em girl!
Ditto.
Why is it that no one cares when men don't want to marry it's ok but if it's a woman she gets a major side-eye…not fair *pouts*
lol Who told you that no one cares? They catch flack from womenfolk all the time, family and friends alike. Not to mention the women who want to be the Mrs.
Yep. 🙂
It's much more acceptable for a man to be disinterested in marriage than a woman. His female relatives may poke him around a bit, but it's not even close to the amount of flack a woman gets when she does not want to get married.
Again, congrats, SBM… (I hate to do this, but I got to put it out there…)
First, thank the almighty @DrRBD (also know as TWiSM) for droppin' this jewel on me Why Men Marry Some Women And Not Others & also The Marriage Zone by Solomon
Ladies take note, and whatever age you are, if you want to get hitched, it is time to be super proactive
Now, lets talk marriage…
MD: Yeah … he’s got a biological clock doesn’t he?
Projection – Women like to think that men operate like them (biological clock), & and the same with men (who love the visuals) think that women are as aesthetic crazy
(Because we men are already fantastic looking, so we have to show up with other shit)Basically, when it comes to age … I can stereotype women
I purposely took this quote out of context to say that, you can stereotype alot of people on alot of things & be right 80% of the time… (Stereotypes based on geographic location are so on point) Unfortunately, to conserve thinking power, this is how we do it as humans, and it get exploited every so often…
—————————————————–
Personally, there was a time where I was marriage minded, but I didn't have a set age… Probably early 20s would have been cool… (Children are more important to plan then marriage…) And then after a few disappointments & coming into knowledge that marriage doesn't benefit men like it did in the past, I got off that bandwagon…
—————————————————–
Now, being that I won't get married under these misandrist divorce laws… (ring & wedding not included), the closest thing to a wife is a bottom girl … And she consists of
– Being young (18-23)
– Low body count (less than 3)
– Has a identifiable father
I think the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man is to marry him AFTER age 25 (30s & 40s are a sacrilege), and I am DEAD SERIOUS…. Fertility & Beauty is the best gifts a woman can bring to a matrimony, and IMH arrogant Opinion, men should be more strict about age limits when marriage swag comes around…
Don't reward these aging spinsters with a ring because they drank the feminist kool-aid (career minded, hopping on the co.ck carosuel) or just made piss poor dating decisions (entertaining non-marriage minded men, holding out for a Boris and/or Idris)
I think that about covers it…
Enjoy Your Weekend Guys, SSTTE
Test
It’s too early…
i know right… too damn early. but black don't crack so the after 25 comment doesn't hold much weight… we get better with time (disregarding long or short term substance abuse). at 25 we're looking like a 17 year old, so 30, we've still got our 20's look… in my opinion at least.
My recent post if these thighs could talk… they would ask you to stop staring, p. 2
With the exception of Halle Berry & Stacey Dash (who are in the top percentile of beautiful women with money to help tend to there looks)… Nineteen year old Black women look WAAAAAYYYYYY better than 45 year old black women…
But it is nice to know that with black women, I will get a better ROI if she stay off drugs & takes care of her body… Nice to know…
Your interesting… I think I am going to start some shit on my facebook with the no marriage after 25 comment… lol.
LAWD, I'ma make sure to have my husband refer to me as an aging spinster. Sounds kinda sexy. In return, I'll refer to him as the Crypt Keeper.
And here I thought I was still pretty hot and fertile at 30….
“And here I thought I was still pretty hot and fertile at 30…”
You are Tef!
Thanks, Krys – took me awhile to get these arthritic fingers moving…
I know right!? I'm 43..I must be a dinosaur! geez. lol
Shockingly, I actually agree with most of this… except the age limit for youth stopping at 23?? Who are these chicks you know with these horrible genes and look old/beat at 25?
**Btw, the comment section is really being a b*itch… It takes me a good 5 tries BEFORE IT'LL LET ME POST!!! Sorry…annoyed =/
Get off that Internet Explorer garbage.
I have Firefox, tyvm!
I want to be the dude that breaks her in… & I want her BEST years…. Simple…
Less mileage & psychological baggage
That actually makes sense…never looked at it like that
I wouldn't say the early 20s are the best years unless you absolutely desire 3 or more children. If you plan on being with her for life. The majority of your years together are going to be her 'unattractive' years Adonis.
@Malik who said I want to be with her for life…? And what about Polygamy…?
But a woman's beauty lasts only but a season (10 years…)
There are 4 seasons in a year… 🙂
That, AND, if we are talking about psychological baggage, as a woman in my later 20s, I am psychologically more stable than I was in college and fresh out of it. Most women I know in their early 20s are so confused about life in general.
"The majority of your years together are going to be her 'unattractive' years Adonis."
Thank you!
while I see your point, his point is logical as well. If we are to assume that every relationship takes it's toll on the participants and that the longer you're in a failed relationship the worse it could be, it only makes sense that the person with less exposure to various failed relationships would have less (overall) emotional baggage…IJS
I think the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man is to marry him AFTER age 25
Don't reward these aging spinsters with a ring because they drank the feminist kool-aid (career minded, hopping on the co.ck carosuel) or just made piss poor dating decisions (entertaining non-marriage minded men, holding out for a Boris and/or Idris)
This 2 paragraphs made me laugh extremely out loud..
"I think the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man is to marry him AFTER age 25 (30s & 40s are a sacrilege), and I am DEAD SERIOUS…. Fertility & Beauty is the best gifts a woman can bring to a matrimony, and IMH arrogant Opinion, men should be more strict about age limits when marriage swag comes around…
Don't reward these aging spinsters with a ring because they drank the feminist kool-aid (career minded, hopping on the co.ck carosuel) or just made piss poor dating decisions (entertaining non-marriage minded men, holding out for a Boris and/or Idris)
I think that about covers it…
Enjoy Your Weekend Guys, SSTTE"I think the most disrespectful thing a woman can do to a man is to marry him AFTER age 25 (30s & 40s are a sacrilege), and I am DEAD SERIOUS…. Fertility & Beauty is the best gifts a woman can bring to a matrimony, and IMH arrogant Opinion, men should be more strict about age limits when marriage swag comes around…
Don't reward these aging spinsters with a ring because they drank the feminist kool-aid (career minded, hopping on the co.ck carosuel) or just made piss poor dating decisions (entertaining non-marriage minded men, holding out for a Boris and/or Idris)"
OMG to the nth degree.
Adonis, you are all right with me bruh.
I am pushing middle thirties myself and haven't been able to wrap my mind around marrying. I think that died in me when I was in my early 20s, but since I was doing so much and could never find the right fit, I put it on the shelves. I never found myself jealous of my friends, rather happy they found their fit, but kept it pushing on a personal level.
Only thing with your post is good luck finding an 18-23 year old with less than 3. These little broads are out here f0ckin, youngin! You'd be better off flying one in from another country. Unless you catch them fresh out of high school and hope she lived a sheltered life, you're pretty SOL on that endeavor. If you luck up though, you're the man.
'Marriage mode' is in two different categories for men. The first is from guys who want to get married from pretty much when they started dating (very few black men fall in this category). The other category is when they finally think they can no longer perform at the same level of bedding women as they find acceptable for themselves, so they not-so-willingly get into marriage.
Well I guess I fall in the middle somewhere, bc I didn’t see marriage as a first resort nor a last resort.
Yeah I think a lot of fall into the middle somewhere, but I see what Malik is saying once I extrapolate a bit…
Well my marrying age was 40 but that was before I ever really wanted to get married, I just know that I didn’t want to be alone for the rest of my days. But ever since I meet my fiance she changed everything. I could see me settling down with her, I finally felt like I could have kids (which I always wanted but was in no hurry), and I finally felt like I WANTED to get married. 3.5 yrs later I proposed. So now I guess my marrying age is 25 since we’re gonna tie the knot next summer.
Congrats!
Why thank you.
This is always an interesting case. Sometimes we are pushed to an earlier marriage age by the right woman, but rarely are we looking at a 15 year improvement.
I also feel like I see women thinking this is the norm and not the exception … which is bad news
My recent post The Male Marrying Age … Explained
I had a mathematical equation that had my life all planned out and my marrying age was actually set to 25. What’s that saying? “The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.” Anywho, we had only one set of married friends in the beginning but they upped and moved away on us and then we went a couple of years without any married friends, which was a drag, but once I was around 22-23 I started meeting women who were getting married around 24-26 years of age and the guys were all around 2-6 years older than the women. With that info, it seems like the marrying age for guys is around 26-32 years of age, at least around here.
My marrying age is the day I decide to support this international crime syndicate knowns as DeBeers and put down a payment (on a BMW) on a non-rare gemstone, is worth it to make a special lady happy.
That day has not come yet.
Tomorrow isn't looking better.
Brother … there are ways to get married without supporting DeBeers. First step, have a movie night at home with "Blood Diamonds"
My recent post The Male Marrying Age … Explained
I got married at 29, at 30 I realized I was not ready for that shit… a divorce and 5 more years has made me realize I might never be ready for it.
I thought you were younger JH. Black don’t crack I guess.
I respect your honesty Jason H. Marriage is not for everyone (someone needs to stress this sh*t. It's OK not to get married) and the current divorce statistics just goes to prove that. People are so hang up on the IDEA of marriage or marrying that they fail to realize what it actually entails! Does it strike you as odd that 75% of divorce proceedings are initiated by the wife? 75%! And yet, aren't women MORE likely to want to settle down and get married? Are women falling for the whole biological clock and all the other social stigma attached to an unmarried woman of marrying age and saying yes to the first proposal only to go into the marriage and realize "aww hell no?" Somebody said if we invested as much energy and thought into the marriage as we do into the wedding, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high! It seems like more and more these days, giving or getting the ring is the ultimate achievement. Who cares if you're divorced within a year because y'all didn't have any business getting married in the first place? The concept of marriage has been cheapened so much. It's just….. SMDH
I didn’t have a marrying age. I met my husband when I was 26 and we were married within two years.
I told him after we were together 6 months my 5-year plan…and advised him to understand that I will not be anyone’s girlfriend/wifey etc. My 5-year plan didn’t even include marriage because at that time I wasn’t thinking about that. I told him that we could date each other; however, I would be keeping my options open (he was shocked when I said that, I still remember the look on his face lol).
He proposed 3 months later. He was in a prior relationship with a women for over 12 years (yes, he is older than me) and he said that he always knew he would NEVER marry her. That opened my eyes to how some men and women worked. She obviously knew after a while he didn’t want to marry her. I wondered how that made her feel. I even asked was he okay with how that made her feel….anyway….
I learned that people will sometimes accept what they can get however they can get it. She was VERY salty that he we not only engaged but also married soon after we met. She gave us hell in so many forms…but I saw through it and understood it was hurt.
I now know that people should NOT accept less then what they really want or hold on to something that doesn’t really exist…UNLESS they are truly okay with it and not secretly hoping things will change.
You know that's every woman's nightmare – staying with a guy for a decade of you life with no marriage in sight, only to have him marry the next woman he gets with…quickly. Glad you handled it maturely, a lot of women take that opportunity to rub salt in the wound.
How is the Bacon Bit? Mine are crawling, pulling up, cutting their top front teeth and generally causing havoc everywhere they go. I love it.
He is heaven sent…he chills in a walker now (they grow SO fast don't they) and he is teething as well….I love every moment of it…lol.
They are crawling…wow….time is really flying…
"Glad you handled it maturely, a lot of women take that opportunity to rub salt in the wound."
I didn't have to…although she was trying to make us both miserable. I just imagined how I would have felt and that allowed me to see things from her perspective. I was even upset with him FOR her…lol…picture that.
However, at the end of the day…the onus was on her to leave or stay. He should have handled situation better albeit.
This is why I am teaching my son to leave quickly once he knows he isn’t interested in anything long term, regardless of what a woman says.
Wow 12 years? That's painful.
I know right? Such a waste of her youth!
Yeah, that's what I thought too. Maybe she doesn't feel as if it was a waste though. Well….on second thought…she does. She did crazy things to get back at him, although it all backfired.
I honestly really really wonder how this type of stuff happens. How do you stay with someone 12 years and not realize that marriage isn't happening?
I'm trying to think about staying with a company 12 years hoping for a promotion and not realizing after 5 years that it isn't happening.
He had some game …
My recent post The Male Marrying Age … Explained
"He had some game…"
cue *LeBron James* Oh!
This quote below sums it up. Period. This is the ONLY thing that should matter to ANY woman looking for husband material. If HE doesn't believe he's husband material, neither should you. That won't change until he does.
"When a man has decided he is ready for marriage, he enters marriage mode. They way he thinks about women and relationships changes. Suddenly the allure of the game is less appealing. The club might not be as fun. Intelligent conversation might actually matter again. And the days of dating 8 months before you get a title are gone. Either you are in wifey consideration … or your dead."
Thanku sir…
People have always thought I was strange for this, but I wanted to be married right out of high school. But then again, this is what I’m used to. My great grandmother was married at 17, my grandmother was married at 15 [which I know is seriously young, but back then I guess it was ok], my mom married at 19… My older sister married at 22. I’ll be 26 in exactly 6 weeks with not a ring in sight. o_O Just based off my family history, I think I’ve always been in marriage mode. I don’t date a man just to “have fun.” If I can’t see a future with you, then why waste that time?
I've always been told that I'm very mature from a very young age, and I used to like dating older guys. When I was a teenager, I would never talk to guys near my own age. Now that I'm in my mid-20s, that window is waaaay smaller. I pretty much cut off talking to guys over 30 =/. And my reason is completely shallow/superficial – because most guys over 30 LOOK LIKE they're over 30. So if he's 31+, but could pass for 29, I'm all for it, but this is a rarity. I know I'm pretty much shooting myself in the foot with this silliness, but oh well. Until I hit 30, my level of "desperation" is not too high. *yeshrug*
lol same here grandma married at 20 mom married at 25 my aunt (who i share a bday with) married at 23 , my cousin married at 22 my other cousin married at 20 most ppl in my family on the women side get maried by at least 27 . My aunt said dont worry check for all your options but I dont want to be 30 at thanksgiving getting the look.
Where are you from? I wonder if it's a regional thing. My grandmother was married at sixteen but divorced in her twenties and later remarried. My sister was married young too, I'm not sure how old she was but I know she was divorced by 22. At least she was still young. My cousin got married around 19-20 as well and she's about to be divorced after about five years. My aunt married at 18, her marriage is lasting though, 28 years. Hmm. I never noticed the trend until you mentioned this.
I'm from Ohio – my older fam is from Alabama/Tennessee. But Idk, it seems like everyone in my family marries super young, but they never get divorced. My grandparents will be married 51 years this year; my parents will have their 31st anniversary in November. So I'm definitely influenced by them, and I've grown up with nothing but strong marriages as my model – so I tend to get very serious about what I expect from my relationships now.
Oh see I'm from Oklahoma so I guess that's not it. Congrats to your grandparents and parents btw! A couple at my church just celebrated their fiftieth anniversary with a wedding. Very sweet. My grandmother's second marriage has lasted over forty years and it's still going strong. I think their marriage has gotten better since I moved out. On the other hand, my mother has gotten divorced at least twice. Sometimes these things happen but their marriages have nothing to do with mine. Just like the majority of your families marriages start out younger, doesn't mean your's isn't around the corner. You're still young btw and happy (early) birthday!
Yaay for Ohioans!
What part?
Cleveland, but originally from Warren.
Have you heard of Tropikana Cleveland?
Yep. Z1079. She's out at clubs fairly often, so I might see her every once in a while.
Yay! That's my friend from school!
I'm gonna need ya'll not to make me think we're related or something lol
O-H- !!!!!!!
I-O !!!!!
That's what I'm tombout! lol
I-O
What city Larry?
Columbus
I wish things didnt have to be so…whats the word… calculated. Whenever I meet my soulmate and fall in love with him..thats my marrying age, doesnt matter if I'm 28 (now) or 45. I understand that I do have a biological clock, but I dont want that to dictate me being in a rush to get married and possibly marrying someone who I dont have a deep connection with. You cant rush or calculate love, its something that should happen naturally between two people, so no marriage age here.
I was over calculation when i was walking by 1, speaking sentences by 2, and potty trained by 3. If im unmarried at 30 im not gonna look back at my life like where did i go wrong. Or if i end up engaged at 24i’m not gonna wonder am i throwing it all away. Let life happen
It just seems like people (men in particular) don't really care about having a deep connection with the person they marry. If she looks good on paper, has sex with him from time to time, and he's ready for marriage, then he'll get married. And thats not something I want for myself. lol Maybe I'm waiting for an unrealistic fairytale though.
That’s is so far from the truth it takes a 72 hour flight and a cross country drive… Across Russia
What stops people from entering “marriage mode” is that they never have a fully “single mode”. Theres some people who go from relationship to relationship years pass and then its like you’re 30 all you’re friends are settled and you texting half your phone book about whats poppin off tonight. Others just enjoy being single too much to ever think of letting it go. Essentially you cant get to marriage without to some extent being single, those who dont are the ones who end up cheating, cursing their lives as they close the minivan doors etc. Some people have all their fun in college and be ready to marry their college sweetheart (see 75% of ninjas who attended a HBCU) others hit the clubs til they get bored with it, some live the single life until the single life kicks them to the curb (see 40somethings creating a Match.com profile as you read this). Its not really an age, moreorless a phase in your life
I'm 25, female, & the thought of marriage right now makes me itch. Sure nobody wants to die alone and a hubby is a guaranteed cuddle buddy for the winter. And he'll probably make sure my car always has oil & gas in it cuz I tend to ignore those little warning lights. But am I really ready to let my guard down & share myself completely with another person? Nah, not at all. Being that close to another human being terrifies me to death. But who knows? Maybe I just haven't met the right guy.
When the right guy comes along it'll be like he's the hydrocortisone to your itch! lol There's no rush honey!
*shrugs* hopefully I'll find out one day
My cousin got married right after college to her college sweetheart (2 years older than her), my best friend is getting married after she graduates this year to her college sweetheart, my cousins homeboy just got married in may he graduated last year and we have a friend whose boyfriend is planning to prose to her after graduation. So yea seeing all the young love around me makes me hopefully I can get married by 25 but then I remember how hard dating is and had to push the bar to 30 to be more realistic. I think for women the age we get married really doesn’t matter if we don’t want kids.
I can't buy into this. I think if the right woman comes along, the man is going to step up and put a ring on that finger. He can be 25 or he can be 35. If she's the right person, he'll make himself ready.
And the following statement…
"The decision to get married is a lot more personal and varied for men than women. For any woman trying to date or get married, look for the signs … don’t try and force it … cause it doesn’t work!"
That statement may be THE TRUEST STATEMENT IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF THE INTERNET.
And I'm just barely exaggerating. Just barely.
This is what, I want
"I think if the right woman comes along, the man is going to step up and put a ring on that finger. He can be 25 or he can be 35. If she's the right person, he'll make himself ready. "
If a man decided to marry me because I look good on paper and he's decided he's in "marriage mode", I'd be devastated, just doesnt sound like true love to me.
"If a man decided to marry me because I look good on paper and he's decided he's in "marriage mode", I'd be devastated, just doesnt sound like true love to me. "
Why would you be devastated? I think that some women tend to put TOO much weight on the emotional aspect of love and not the action part of it. Love is an action…therefore; he is acting out of love by choosing to marry you. The fuzzy warm feeling some THINK is love will not (repeat– will not) keep you married.
Marriage is way too hard to be subjected to fickle emotion! On those days you just wanna —arggghhh—and they will come….it's the other factors that keep the union in tact.
Lol yes I am a VERY emotional person, I've just grown to embrace it, at times its my worst enemy.
I know alot of people view marriage as a legal/business deal, and i can respect that, but I don't want that for myself. I dont want a man thats looks at me as if Im some job applicant that can fill a position and he takes "action" by allowing me to fill that role, it feels too logical and cold, almost like I can be replaced.
I rather wait for a man that says something along the lines of "I love you with my all, this connection that we share is priceless and I never want to lose it." I've been engaged twice, and I wasnt IN love with them even though they had the qualities I wanted and would make good husbands, but I couldnt feel a deep connection, and thats what I am looking for. Maybe I'm being unrealistic, but I cant see myself happy in any other type of situation in regards to marriage
Can you describe this connection you are hoping for? Will this connection outweight all other factors?
BTW, your comment " it feels too logical and cold, almost like I can be replaced."
The sad reality is….everyone is replaceable. However, those other qualities may make you LESS replaceable. Because when the love seems to be gone, those qualities will come to the forefront.
Ask yourself, how many people have married and divorce that THOUGHT they couldn't live without each other and were so deeply in love. That should let you know that the type of 'love' is flimsy to say the least. A person has to make a conscious decision to love another. That is not cold, that's REAL.
Beef Bacon: "Ask yourself, how many people have married and divorce that THOUGHT they couldn't live without each other and were so deeply in love. That should let you know that the type of 'love' is flimsy to say the least. A person has to make a conscious decision to love another. That is not cold, that's REAL."
If the writers here were still doing the quote of the week, the winner would be right here.
lol you're right, I can't even argue with you.
I'm okay with falling in love with my husband over and over again…the fear is…after the love is gone, not being able to fall in love again…if there is no real "soul mate" connection in the first place, how can we continue to fall in love with eachother, after the honeymoon period is over.
I've never really had an "inside" view on how marriage operates, so I only have my fairytale fantasies, but it seems like so many people are stuck in marriages with people they dont love, and I'm not strong enough to be stuck in that type of situation.
I just dont want a man to look at me as "she'll do a good job in this role as my wife, and I'm ready to settle down"…I need someone to look at me as "she completes me and I'm in love with her"…again, lol I said I'm a very emotional person, so this is a big factor to me in regards to marriage. I'm perfectly fine with not being married though if this type of thing is unrealistic, I have my cats jking
"if there is no real "soul mate" connection in the first place, how can we continue to fall in love with eachother, after the honeymoon period is over. "
You continue to fall in love because that is what's so cool and unique about marriage. Although you have your downs (as with ANY relationship) the ups are divinely great in that you have a person whom you adore and are attracted to share life with. A person that knows YOU , the real you and is okay with that (flaws and all).
Falling over and over comes from many things…even a disagreement. A marriage done correctly has you learning something new about your spouse constantly. When I learn things about my husband, good or otherwise, I see him differently…and I am bless to love every aspect of all that he is and I will that I love the parts of him I will learn about going forward. #forbetterorworse
All he said was the right woman, though. That is highly subjective. It could very well include chemistry/love/whatever in addition to the "paper" stuff.
I imagine you would be able to tell if someone is in love with you, so if he's also ready and you look good on paper, the latter part is actually a testament to your character/value (as he perceives it, anyway).
So … you think a woman shouldn't depend on turning a man from "I don't want to get married right now" into "I want to get married" … but, you think that men will get married as soon as they meet the right woman?
I'm sorry, but I just can't subscribe to this whole "the right women will get men to do XXX" concept. There is some truth in it, but I don't think it's the norm.
Ive said it before and I’ll say it again. Many consider different things when looking to marry. It goes well beyond love
Shouldnt love be the most important factor though?
Yes and no. Yes because you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t love. No because love don’t pay bills
And the degree that you love someone varies over time…so you need something else to sustain the relationship when love is at an all time low, lol. And, trust and believe, that day WILL come. During those times, you'll cling to "the financial guru", "the jack-of-all-trades handyman", "the great parent", "the next Eddie Murphy" qualities to get you over the hump. Reflecting on those or similar things will even help reignite the flame.
I also think it's more important to have an inexplainable "something" factor that's beyond love as well. I've been in love more than once but I've only had that inexplainable "something" with two people. I'd try to explain it but…it's inexplainable. It's just something about him or her that just connects you…
Ahhh the "something" factor. I do get what Mika is saying…she wants to have it all…the fuzzy feeling along with the other factors. It is very possible as that is what I have.
The unexplainable "something" is a force to be reckoned with. Nothing can touch it and it’s beyond anything tangible. I dare say it is rare.
What he said. Money aside, one can very well fall for someone who does not have what it takes to make a marriage work. Love can only take you so far. People "in love" or who were once there part ways, and often.
Agreed. Marriage is a financial partnership just as much as it is about being in love. Sometimes one outweighs the other, but I think you need to have both in check to be successful.
NO!
If you read the 5 Love Languages, you'll learn that Love is really a verb. The euphoric "In Love" feeling is often a result of chemicals and simply won't last forever. If you base life long decisions on this feeling without a stronger commitment, you'll end up all kinds of f* up.
I don't know if I have a marriage age. I might be a George Clooney type of dude. I thought I would be married before 30. I was in a long term relationship and all. I'm not a fan of people getting married young because of the disasters I've seen. I think women are ready for marriage at a younger age way before men. Like I've said before I don't think most men are ready for marriage until they're over 30. The good thing is that the older you are when you get married the higher the chances are that you won't get a divorce.
Now, I'm no man…can't confirm this…but I think a man gets into marriage mode when his "Master Plan" comes together…position, person, & potential. Of course, there are exceptions to this. I think it has more to do with that than an actual age…unless we're referring to the term "age" as in a period of time, like the Ice Age, lol…
Men are so non-confrontational in relationships. They'll purposely do shady stuff in order to get the woman to break up with them or they'll keep a girl around forEVER knowing they'll never marry her. I don't understand this. Why not just be real?
Anyway, yeah I noticed a few women in here saying they had to have "the talk" with their men to bring marriage into the forefront of the relationship. I had to do the same thing. Like, look dude, I'm graduating, I want to buy a house, save, invest, start a business. Can I do that with you or not? LOL
My recent post KANYE WEST: FROM HOUSE MOTHER TO GODMOTHER?
It's not that men do these things, it's that PEOPLE do these things.
People are naturally self serving and we often do whats' best for us. Keeping you around sometimes is the best thing for me. Some people are just nastier about it than others.
Ah sweet youth. I once had my life all mapped out. I decided that 24 was the ideal age to get married. By the time I was 18, I felt like giving the younger me a blank stare, followed by a raised eyebrow/screw face combo. Then the age was around 27, after completion of the PhD that I would now not touch with a 9' pole. That, or med school [ Insert 50' pole comment here].
I do think I'm currently in the proper mindset, though. Or just about there, anyway. I have a realistic view of marriage, and although I'm a romantic, I never subscribed to the fairytale depictions offered by the media. My parents have provided me with a good working template. I'm no longer naive or reclusive. I don't entertain obviously futile encounters. My main goal is to achieve financial and professional success, but I don't plan to use it as an excuse for emotional unavailability. I do want to become a more serious Christian before then, but it's something I am working on in the meantime.
As far guys are concerned, there is naturally a correlation between age and marriage readiness. It may not be a direct one, but it exists nonetheless. But like someone else mentioned, sometimes it takes a certain person to snap you into it. One thing I caution guys against is getting this sense that they have forever to do as they please. Some guys want to get married "eventually," but to sow their non-royal oats as permitted in the meantime. They may always have better options than women after a certain point, but I've had more than one guy tell me that he has let numerous special women go, and now isn't sure he can find a connection on that level with other women around, quality though they may be. There are some men who legitimately aren't ready, but there are yet others who just want to keep having fun until they get bored, but who could actually marry Sandra months from now without a problem. Generally speaking, there are more things under our control than we pretend.
I will be the first to admit that at this young tender age of 30, I've tossed out practically every calculation of the 'when' of marriage. I stay true to what "Andre Benjamin, Benjamin Andre to be exact" from Outkast said: "You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather"….As much as I used to love reading through wedding mags during my tenure as someone's girl…by the time we broke up, I got real with myself and started working on me. With time, and some patience (and maybe a few gadgets…lol)…a new 'Him' will come…and whatever age I am at the time will be the age I was meant to love again…
This post makes me both homicidal and suicidal simultaneously. Good job.
Thanks.
I thought it was just me!
I'm reading through some of these comments and thinking: "Everybody can tell you how to do it …they never did it." ~Hov
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Two things. First, what is happening to my comments? It tells me it has posted but I can't find them anywhere? *sigh* There's quite a few insights in there that need to be read. Call it my service to the community :-).
Second, amen to that comment! Funny thing, it's ESPECIALLY the ones who never did who tell you. I'm looking at you "Adonis," aka "theoneash." Lol
LOL – right? I kinda get a kick out of reading some of the comments/posts about getting married, what you should/shouldn't do, who's "worthy" of marriage and who isn't…..from folks who are single as a dolla bill. Wet behind the ears. Socially awkward. Still got milk on their breath. Playing in the sandbox trying to tell folks how to pass discrete math.
I'm glad I'm hard headed.
Hahahahhahaha! I love you Tef! You crack me up!
Interesting post. Well I'm 28 and I honestly thought I'd be married by now. Real talk. I'm surprised I'm not and it's def not for lack of opportunities. On the flip side, I'm not worried about getting married or having kids, which is interesting to me, simply because I'm always analyzing things, including myself. What's weird is my parents have been married 30 years, so theoretically you would think I would be chasing after marriage.
At the end of the day, it's funny because I might never get married and I have no qualms with that.
*shrugs*
Dudes don't seem to be the ones with qualms about not getting married. Women are the ones with qualms about men not getting married.
I personally place the goal of a relationship that leads to marriage, children, owning a home and family as EQUALLY important as my career goals. Most men I meet don't feel the same way. They see their career goals as possibly filling any void they might experience personally and I wholeheartedly disagree.
The men who have problems with marriage, devalue it, etc. etc. are common and extremely vocal, in blogs like this one and in comment sections everywhere. It's kinda why I'm forced to take the occasional hiatus from sites such as these, so the negativity and dissent against an institution I value highly doesn't get me down.
So marriage isn't for you? Why is it then your job to make sure it's not for everyone else? It's like Atheists who go out of their way to poke holes in others' faith.
And no, @WIM, I'm not saying that's what you did in this comment, but other posters have and I just get a little sad reading it. I seriously hope it's just for internet entertainment value, and not the real feelings of so many of these people. Because I'm serious: marriage and family are important to me and I'd like to hope they still are to more than a few men.
And I'm 26, for the d-bag upthread that says women above 25 shouldn't even be marriage material.
In theory, I think marriage is a great idea….in theory. Done correctly, it can be a very beautiful thing. Done wrong it can be the worst thing on Earth.
I don't waste my life worrying about the worst case scenario of something that I WANT. I go for it, consequences be darned. I think we're a generation of people that are scared by statistics. I've beaten the odds too many times to feel the same way. 🙂
I'm the opposite. I plan for the worst, hope for the best.
I apply that philosophy to everything but love/relationships. If you plan for the worst, you'll never get married. You might never even date. I know because I tried this. I kept canceling dates like the day before because I just kept thinking, "This can't be the dude. What if I fall for him and he hates me. What if he falls for me and I hate him? What if, what if, what if?" You have to take the plunge eventually.
Well, no you don't. You don't have to take the plunge at all. If you're not into it or you're too afraid of the worst, you can stay single forever. Lots of people do. But that's not for me. 🙂
Man, I hope these weren't 1st dates ,lol. And if and "if" was a fifth we'd all be drunk, ya heard? lol.
I would submit that there are more men out here that are definitely pro- marriage at some point in time in their life than against it. Maybe they're not just as vocal as the anti-marriage folks, but it doesn't necessarily mean they do not exist.
Just like your local news where the saying is, "If it bleeds it leads", all of the "feel good" stories go unnoticed and under reported…doesn't mean that it doesn't happen.
At the end of the day one can't let another's opinion greatly effect how they feel about something. Especially on the interwebs.
Here's hoping! 🙂
WIM if its not because of “lack of opportunity” that you’re not married, could you just be really picky? Just a question, I think sometimes men may overlook the fact that women aren’t the only ones with long “what Chilli wants” lists
I dont think I'm too picky. Well, not unreasonably so. Like SBM is saying, it may be that I havent aligned my goals with the "right woman." I'm not opposed to getting married in the least, I'd actually like to. However, it doesnt drive my life or many of my decisions. It's more like, if it happens it happens. I'm not going to loose sleep either way.
Maybe its time to leave TX……?
I got married when I was 31… It lasted for 22 years and then KABOOM!!!! She wanted to be with another man… A rich man..
There is no real age for men…
The assumption thar every woman over 30 wants a ring ASAP and has a loudly ticking clock is a bit over stated. There are plenty of happily single 30+ women who believe the right man will show up eventually. Until then they enjoy life. Its 2011 after all. The desperate to marry woman may be common (an attractive meme for sexless males to talk about on blogs), but it is not universal by any stretch.
I'm just going to go ahead and co-sign this and all your future comments.
Sounds good on paper
Co-sign.
How about never? I've seen enough unhappy marriages where people are just trying to stick it out for the kids or for whatever, just cause they got hitched. For me, commitment is something else. I don't need or want a ring on my finger. I'm not dead-set against marriage, I'd do it if I fell in love with a man who wouldn't have it any other way, but I'd rather not. I don't like society's rules so I'll do whatever I can not to obey them. 😀
I'm 26, and have been getting a lot of pressure from family and friends lately about "settling down" but for some reason, I'm not really worried about it. I broke up with my last two boyfriend's bc they started talking about getting married- pretty sure I started having heart palpitations. I do eventually see myself with someone, but I am happy with the way my life is right now, and I don't plan on being with someone unless he really moves me.
Dating at this age (as a woman) is weird. The guys I meet are on one end of the spectrum in terms of expectations (they want to get serious after 4 dates) or the other (they just want to hook up). I'm looking for something in between I guess..which means I go on a lot of first and second dates.
Choosing someone to share your life with, and raise children with is a big deal. A lot of my friends who are engaged right now are (in my opinion) settling. I don't want that. Am I being too picky??
Having a problem with the comments 'post 30 is a sweet spot because the women are 'beaten up by the lack of marriage' and marriage making a 'real woman'. Marriage does not define us as women. I personally know women who are beaten up by miserable marriages. A woman or a man, for that matter, is just as worthy and relevant being single as being in a marriage. I have single friends who volunteer, work in church and the community, whereas I have some married friends that are so overwhelmed with their marital issues they have nothing to give of themselves. I just want people to realize I'm always going to be special to me single or married, not defined by whether or not I have a ring on it. So to answer the question of the right age- when I am blessed with the man sent to be my soulmate whatever the age
This is an interesting post, I believe there is much truth in your words. I have seen many male friends just wake up one day and know that they are ready. Its just unfortunate that men and woman don't seems to line up their timelines. As a woman approaching (cough) 30 i've seen from experience that everyone is ready in their own time,
( I know I'm late but I had to post…) I am a 36 year old single, never been married woman. I'm not sure if I am alone in this but I set my own "marrying age" of about 40-45. I only plan to be married once so I figured what's the rush. I'm healthy and plan to marry a man with a healthy lifestyle. I figure I have 85 years in me. Longevity runs in the fam. So a 30-40 year marriage is a good way to live out the last two quarters of my life. I figure that after half time I'll be ready. My parents have been married 47 years and I know what it REALLY takes. SO I am not in a hurry.
I'm 34 staring 35 square in the face. I used to have an ideal marrying age in mind…then I blew right past it without any sign of a ring and I had to re-evaluate. A part of me will be glad when the 30s are over and all of this pressure to get married has passed. My goal is to not let the second half of my 30s be marred by this ridiculous game of stressing over whether every relationship might be the "one." I want to marry and I want to have a child but I refuse to let the process of getting there stress me.
I'm 27 and my marrying age is 31. I do not think I will wait that long because I found a guy who is ready for marriage. a Real relationship makes my timeline seem arbitrary.
Maybe I will make 31 my age to have children.