We had a party, yeah we had a party. Sisters was angry, yes sisters was angry. #MartinsRoom

This is going to be the last post you see from me for a long time about sex, dating or relationships.  Dr. J is going to take this opportunity to quit while he still can.  It’s been a great run here at SBM.org, I always thought that I was giving people a breath of fresh air, and telling the straight honest truth.  For those of you who have been entertained by that writing, thank you for your support, it never went unnoticed.  For those of you who hate my writing, you keep on, keeping on, “you got it.”  I’ll explain more on the Book one day, but for now, I’m off this relationships sh*t.

I have a buddy who writes a blog about interracial dating and every so often I get frustrated by the backlash I receive from my posts here and other places on the internet and I’ll complain to him, he always responds the same way.  He always tells me that I should stop putting out good material in places where it’s going to be attacked and that I would be best served to come and start writing for his site.  I told him, I can’t do that.  I’m not the type of Black guy who doesn’t date Black women, I’m the type of Black guy who doesn’t only date Black women.  I hate when I meet someone who only dates one race, that to me, no matter how you explain will always seem a bit off to me.  I write on SBM.org because this site is supposed to be about the Black male perspective.  Ha, on some days you wonder if that’s true.  It seems like everything that comes out of the mouth of the seven Black male writers on this site is subject to the scrutiny of the female readers.  (I should mention that it’s funny that our readership is not all Black, but everyone is overqualified to give an opinion on Black men. #dique)  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “if you ask a man what his opinion or perspective is on something, take it, don’t tell him you reject it”. You can’t ask for my opinion and then tell me I’m full of sh*t when I give it, do you want my honest opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?  My observations led me to writing this post, my final relationships post on SBM.  (Note: I’m not going anywhere, I’m just not writing about this “relationship” stuff anymore.)

See Also:  Confession of a “Church Girl”: Stereotype or Struggle

I date who I date, I’ll marry who I marry, and I’ll never look to the internet or SBM.org as the sovereign source of advice for my love life.  I love you all dearly, but some of y’all asses is crazy.  I was thinking to myself laying in bed thinking about the way Black men and certain types of women are persecuted on this site and I thought, “Let’s say for example, I married a Latina, would I ever be able to blog about my relationship with her?” It didn’t take me long to realize that the answer to that question was as obvious as the reason why I asked myself that question.

A little background story, in high school I had an off and on relationship with a girl.  In my mind, (at the time, lol), I thought we were in love.  We dated from the time I was in the 10th grade, off and on, until winter break of my sophomore year of college.  When I was in HS, this was the plan: Go to college, both of us would go to schools in the same state, graduate and move back to DC and get married.  We had that conversation many a nights.  Thank God, i’m not married to her.  First, because that on and off again thing was an indication that sometimes you care a lot about a person, but that doesn’t make you right for each other.  And second, because I had no clue what it would really mean for Black man to “date outside the family.”

I found this funny... will make sense later.

For a minute, I thought to myself, “The question isn’t what’s wrong with Black women?  The answer to that is simple, nothing at all.  The real question is what’s wrong with the women who aren’t Black?” I’ve got enough commentary so I don’t need to be informed on how many Black women want to answer that question.  I think about all the Black male entertainers and public figures that I know and when Black women found out the women they were dating or married to were white women; they flipped the hell out.  Was that going to be me?  Was I going to be judged because I didn’t end up with a Black woman?  And would the people who judged me the most not be the other race, but my own race?

See Also:  The Thin Line of Dating Anonymity Online

The obvious thought was, well what if you wrote about why you love her and didn’t write about why you weren’t romantically involved with a Black woman?  I thought about that and when you think about it, it’s never mattered that the articles written by myself or others on the internet were not at all about Black women.  An article about white, Asian or Latina women is not going to make the Black woman wince, it’s the fact that she’s got the attention of a Black man that makes her wince.  I’m almost led to believe that in The Ten Black Women Commandments there is a verse that states, “Thou shalt have no other women before me.”

I came up with a list of posts specific to my situation that I could write that ideally wouldn’t solicit a hateful response from readers:

  1. Ten Reasons Why I Love My Wife
  2. Lessons I’ll Have to Teach My Biracial Kids
  3. Things My Wife Doesn’t Get About Me and I Don’t Get About Her
  4. Lawry’s vs. Adobo: A Definitive Analysis of Family-Style Cooking
  5. Who Gon’ Watch the Kids: My mother don’t speak Portuguese and hers don’t speak English

#1 – Seemed like a good one, but then I thought, someone will definitely want to ask me why I thought I couldn’t get all of those things with a Black woman.

#2 – Jesus Christ, I do not want to have to deal with a comment section on good and bad hair, and the privileges associated with biracial kids.

#3 – This would just serve as evidence for Black women to tell me why you have to marry a Black woman if you want someone who is going to understand you.

#4 – I couldn’t come to a conclusion on which one was better myself.  Plus, Mrs. Dash’s, Season-All and Nature’s Seasoning be winning too.

#5 – I just saw this post headed in a direction where we couldn’t come to a firm conclusion on whether or not it’s right to raise children in America in a different language other than English.  That’s an argument that I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole.  Or the more popular conversation among Blacks, Africans and Caribbeans; Why African-Americans don’t know how to raise children.

I didn’t see anything good coming out of those posts.

I think she's being typecasted.

I found myself thinking that I had lost faith in the readers. I lost that attraction to the relationship that we’ve built since 2009.  Somewhere in all of this, I’m sure it could be explained to me how this is all my fault.  Yeah, I don’t care about all that, the people who know me, know me, the people who don’t, don’t.  I looked at all the coaches that walk away from championship teams in their prime when it doesn’t seem like they’re getting the same results they once did, they always cite, “I just thought they needed to hear a new voice.”  I guess that’s what happened to my faith with black sex & relationship blogging, you guys just need to hear a new voice.  Whether I think that voice is one that makes it easier to take the advice because they tell you the truth without being honest, or if I feel like it’s a flat out lie, is neither here nor there.  I lost faith in our relationship as writer and reader that I could ever write a post about the woman I was dating, or the woman I was marrying.  Once I lost that faith, this whole thing didn’t seem worth it anymore.

Did you really expect not to go out without a little bit of controversy?

– Dr. J