SWAG

SWAG

3) Being Well Endowed Means Your Adolescence Sucked.

Have you any idea how awkward life can be when you’re a hormone-ravaged 14-year old whose legs have yet to hit any sort of growth spurt, but whose man-parts are 100% fully-growed-up? It is the worst. Normal sized kids could probably hide unwanted erections. Not me. The following is a true story.

So, I’m 14 years old, sitting in math class. I hate math so, I’m not really paying attention. My mind starts to wander off and next thing I know, the flag is flying at full staff if you know what I mean. But there’s at least 30 minutes left in class so, I’m good. I’m sure it’ll turn off before it’s time to get up and leave right? Wrong. A teacher notices I’m not paying attention so of course, he calls on me.

“Why don’t you come up to the board and solve this equation?”

“I’m sorry Mr. —-, I can’t. I don’t know the answer.”

“We’ll work through it together, just come on up.”

I’m panicking now – the little big soldier down below is pretending he doesn’t hear what’s transpiring – marching along to his own tune. Plus, now the whole class is looking at me, so I can’t do my patented flip move where I reach in my pocket and flip him upward toward my belly button, tucking him in neatly under my belt and hiding him under my shirt. What to do, what to do. I try stalling

“Can I just do the next one Mr. —?”

“Look, you can either come up here and do this problem, or you can leave my classroom.”

The walls are closing in. Still trying to stall, I just put my head down on the desk. This act of insubordination doesn’t go over so well.

“Alright, that’s it, get out of my classroom.”

I stay at my desk with my head down.

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“NOW!”

I’m finished. I have no options. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place, literally. My only hope is executing the deftest example of the flip move ever executed in the history of puberty. I reach down to grab my books from under my desk pretending to gather my stuff to leave the room. I put my left hand in my pocket to start the flip, but just as I’m grabbing him, the girl in front of me turns around to see what’s taking me so long. Got panic and yank my hand out of my pocket mid-flip. Sh*t. I just made it worse. I executed the dreaded half flip. Instead of my guy landing neatly up under my belt, he’s all leaning off to the side, jutting out into my pocket.

My life is over. The whole class is watching as I begin to slide out of my desk. Are you picturing this happening in slow motion… because in real life, it definitely happened in super slo-mo?

And then… LIGHTBULB. It came to me like a vision: The most brilliant thought I ever had in my life. I stand and immediately bend over to pick up my book bag, but I pick it up from the bottom and as I pull it toward my waste, concealing my massiveness, I purposely spill out all of the contents. The whole class bursts out laughing… including my math teacher.

“You know what, just forget it. See me after class.”

After class, I got written up for 4 hours of detention. Four wasted hours of my life I can never get back, all because of my abnormal, in-concealable nether regions.

2) Being Well Endowed Makes Humility Extremely Difficult.

The most important moment in the life of a well endowed male is the moment he first realizes he’s well endowed. Usually, it doesn’t happen in his first few sexual encounters because usually, the young lady he’s with is just as much a novice, and just as inexperienced as he is. No. The well endowed man realizes just how well endowed he is when he pulls his guy out for the first time in front of a woman who’s seen and experienced a few things. When she looks at your joint, and then looks at you and does this:

I have officially arrived

I have officially arrived.

You life is changed forever. It just makes everything different. It alters how you approach women, it alters how you compete and compare yourself to other men… it changes everything. Here are a few typical thoughts of a well endowed man:

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“Can’t believe she acting like she doesn’t wanna return my calls. Bet this d*ck change her mind.”

“Damn… he just copped that new Audi. Joint is crazy. But I bet my d*ck bigger tho. Pause, No mo.”

“Oh she got a little boyfriend now. I bet I could still hit if I wanted to. She loves my d*ck.”

When you’re well endowed, you have to constantly remind yourself that not everybody in the whole world knows that there’s greatness between your legs so you can’t expect the whole world to just tremble around you. It’s a struggle. Really.

Remember that Beyonce joint “Ego” that Kanye jumped on. What the hell do you think that song is really about.

“Me and my ego, and he go wherever we go. My Ego is my imaginary friend he was with me when I was only imagining.”

“It’s too big, it’s too wide, it’s too strong, it won’t fit, it’s too much, it’s too tough, he talk like this because he can back it up.”

1) Being Well Endowed Means Sex Ain’t Always Great

Now, don’t get it twisted, there are definitely some distinct advantages to being well endowed when it comes to sex. For one, it allows you to hold all sorts of fun and different positions. I can’t imagine trying to execute the lotus blossom or the landslide were I not blessed. But, that aside, sex for the well endowed man is often way better in theory than in actual practice. It usually starts out great as ladies are usually excited to see what you’re working with. Once the actual deed begins, however, it can quickly devolve into a game of tag, played out on your mattress, as you chase them up, down and all around your bed. It’s really exhausting.

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Also, certain sexual activities are almost always a no when you’re well endowed. “You want to put that where? Are you crazy?”

Also, it’s damn near impossible to get a good dome when you’re well endowed. Do you know how depressing it is to come to the realization that there are parts of my manhood that will never feel the warmth of a woman’s mouth? Seriously. Dudes who have smaller joints, by default, get good dome every single time out the gate.

Life just ain’t fair sometimes.

There you have it folks. Five reasons why being well endowed is overrated. This post is kind of an SBM Throwback. Since the site has grown, and since the original core staff has gotten older, we’ve gotten a little PC in our approach, not wanting to offend our political connects. Today, let’s take it back to the good ole days. Fellas, my bad if this post alienates some of y’all. No disrespect. I envy y’all in many ways. Not really, but maybe a little … no pun. For the rest of y’all, can ya’ll relate? No mo. Ladies – have you ever noticed any of the above or dealt with a guy who you really couldn’t handle. Let’s get busy in the comments. Lol.

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