Are you ready to give this up?

Are you ready to give this up?

Living with a significant other can be a thing of beauty assuming you’re not in constant coital cold wars. Otherwise it’s access to a healthy supply of yeah-baby-right-there. It’s coming home knowing someone cooks for you cares about you and (most likely) will be happy to see you. It’s knowing you don’t have to sleep alone every night. But before you make that big step with whoever you’re thinking about sharing space with, there are five things — as a man — you should consider:

1. Can you live without the bathroom in the morning?

Unless you have two bathrooms, living with your significant can really “cramp” your style. You wake up, bladder on please, bowels on yelp, and you see the bathroom light escaping under the door. F*ck. Maybe you hear the shower running. Damn.

Few things are worse than having to go but not being able to go…in your own place. Next thing you know, you’re pussyfooting out of bed trying not to wake her because if you do, she’ll need the bathroom first. And since chivalry dictates you crumble to the floor or find a Mountain Dew bottle (for numero uno), you just gonna have to wait fam.

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2. Are you comfortable muffling your “throne” music?

Yes, that throne. The point is, now you got to run water or drop the reserved deuce because you don’t want your significant other to know what’s going on…even though she know what’s going on. You can ante up your flushes, light matches, cop the special spray,  potpourri it (or Poopourri. Yes, it exists). Doesn’t matter. It’s just not the same. But if you’re comfortable enough to just let it sizzle without concern for what she hears, you’re in love. Update your Facebook status and call it a day (and possibly life).

By the way, you’ll also have to confront the reality that the most beautiful and precious does indeed booboo. When she lets that Glade choppa’ spray, just be thankful she had the couth to use it.

(Aside: For the ladies reading, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that the first two questions involve the bathroom. Many great ideas are conceived there. Never stop your man from being great.)

3. Are you willing to talk every night when you get home about stuff that makes you wonder “so did you get any work done today?”

When you live with someone, you can’t just walk in to solitude. I mean you could, but then you’re opening Pandora’s box of innocuously harmful questions. Are you okay? What’s wrong? What happened? Are you sure? Nah, you don’t want that. Instead, you have to ask how her day was and engage in conversation about some stuff you weren’t built to understand.

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If you like to get your Young Macaulay on, be prepared to make some changes in the name of love. The homie Streetz had it right with this one.

4. Can you handle arguments or hot topics that don’t die with a closed box…though that is sometimes how they end?

Have you ever had an argument online that you escaped by closing the chat box, disabling your phone’s internet, or running into the nearest tunnel? Yeah, not happening when you live with Cuddlekins. Often times, where a discussion starts, it ends. But when you live with your significant other, regardless of where it started, it ends on the couch. And if you don’t resolve it there, you’ll be sleeping there. Can you handle that? Are you able to resolve issues in-person regularly?

5. How do you feel about not having a man cave?

When you live alone, the smell and condition of your apartment is up to you. The world is your oyster and your apartment is your man cave. I’m not advocating living in a one man frat house, but if you don’t feel like moving shit, you don’t have to move shit. If you wanna lean to the left and bask in your own filth, that’s cool. If you wanna visit sites that’ll get you fired by day, but keep you entertained by night, there’s no one to ask what or why you’re looking at that. When Snookums is there, you can’t do this stuff. And if you do, you better have a good explanation. Like that adult footage is less about your desire to have sex with some internet trollop and more about your innate proclivity for watching digital-d*ckdowns.

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What? It’s true.

There are other things to consider; like how you split the bills, the mail situation, and apartment design, but who cares about that shit. These are the real issues.

SBM fam, I’m turning it over to you. What other seemingly mundane things should you consider before moving in together? Let me know in the comments.