Enough of that relationship advice and self help advice from Dr. J. It’s time to talk about something more all inclusive, things that bring us together, you know, like s*x. I’m one of those people who enjoys sex. I’m sort of a connoisseur. I like to think about it, talk about it, tape it, notate it, make new plays on the whiteboard, try them out, give feedback, read a book, try that too. But perhaps the one thing I like about sex is that it not be so serious. Like if it’s funny…. Have a laugh.
1. Taking off your underwear
You ever be getting ready to have sex, and you gotta take off clothes? (I would hope so, lol) Two funny things; first, when you stand up to take them off and you get your foot caught in your underwear and you have to take a few hops to get your balance. The other is the peskiness involved with taking them off whilst laying down. You gassed me by telling me you was 34-26-36. Why do you have on XS Vicky Secrets? They are tight around your ankles and I’m not liking the fact that I have to reach down under the covers and get them from around your ankles. The funny thing is when you are so amped to have sex you just leave them joints around your ankle, like I’ll worry about that later.
2. Trying to whisper and not scream
Communication during sex is very important. But you don’t want to be loud and you want to be sensual. Ever tried giving instructions and the person couldn’t hear you?
Guy: (whispers) Turn around.
Girl: huh?
Guy: (a little louder) Turn around.
Girl: huh?
Guy: (loud) TURN AROUND.
Now the whole dorm knows.
3. When you need the person to be quiet
Raise your hand if you ever lived with a roommate situation. (Slowly raises hand) Well, the thing about that is, my roommate doesn’t want to hear me having sex, so you’ll have to be quiet. There will be times when people will be drunk and they will not be cognizant enough to know someone may hear them. But other than that… you attempt to be quiet. But what about when your partner is loud, what do you do? You ever stopped and just handed her a pillow? Or what about just saying, “Yo shut up!” My trick I usually use is to just kiss her. If that doesn’t work put something in her mouth. (Angel face).
4. The thin line between rough and brutal
Nowadays, somehow women want you to treat them like a lady and then get in the bedroom and slore their behinds out. I mean pulling hair, slapping ass, choke/gag, etc. The list goes on and on like a Deelishis thong. Now I’m always a self-admitted passionate lover, I’m working on my ish, I’m getting my rough sex game up to par. I just don’t get how you expect me to treat you like a princess and then treat you like my sex slave. Who knows? What’s funny is when you are pulling hair. (For sisters with weave, you seldom get to experience that, but you know that.) You pull the hair, and there’s like “ok you’re not pulling hard enough” and then there’s like I’m no longer pulling and I have a few hair strands in my hand. It’s a thin line.
5. Practice makes perfect
Am I the only one who had to learn how to smack a chick on the ass the right way to make the clapping sound? I have to try various variations just to get it right. I think it’s all in the wrist. (Pause)
6. Sounds
Be real, a poon fart is hilarious. It’s the pat on the back of good sex for a guy. What about that long one that lasts for a few minutes? Every time she tries to move, there’s a little toot. I get a chance to stand in my Mighty Mouse superhero position.
7. Cramps
Ever gave your partner a cramp? You try to do the “scissor” move and she gets a cramp in her oblique. That’s just funny. Because it’s not like you want to stop having sex, but you are dealing with immense pain. Hey, pain and pleasure at the same time is supposedly an aphrodisiac.
8. College TWIN BEDS
One thing I hated was twin bed sex in college. You really can’t do anything on them. Like try switching who’s on top and somebody might get kneed in the eye. And then afterwards your chick wants to stay with you and cuddle. You can never get a good night’s rest like that. You have to sleep on your side for a whole semester.
9. Hot and Sweaty
Sex in the summer time is quite hilarious. There are juices everywhere. It’s hot as hell and you are trying to get a nut. You do know that the body temperature rises during sex, right? But then again, afterwards you be like, “Get off of me, go that a way.” Dudes are mad confused they feel like they’ll get in trouble for not cuddle. Shoot, I just go grab a towel and shower.
10. Did the condom break? No, you’re just really wet.
And there’s nothing better than when she looks down between her legs and she’s like…”Did the condom break?!” And you are like, “Nope.” About five seconds later she realizes that she was really wet. Square biz though, I know some chicks who have to wear panty liners because their excretions get a hold of them. Funny though, it’s like who you accusing of trying to get your crazy ass pregnant?!
I listed the first ten that came to my mind. Now I want you to tell me about some that come to your mind as things that happen in the bed, or the kitchen, or on the frigerator…
– Dr. J breaks his silence for just a few moments of love
I was getting it doggie style by this long loc weed dealing wannabe. To my surprise a clothes iron still hot was on a speaker next to the bed came tumblin down do to my request to hit it harder. It landed on my face. My lover got up and got some ice in a panic. The hmph was soooo good I told him to get back to work while holding the ice to my face. Oddly I didn't even get a blister from the iron. When we see each other today we giggle about that moment. One time I was on the end of the bed trying to work up some courage. The guy I was with said something funny. I throw my head back to laugh and ended up on the floor with my legs straight in the air. Shame shame
Well this one time at Band Camp…LOL..Nah one time I was gettin it from the back & I wanted it harder and my head went straight into the wall..Then this one time I was gettin it so good I was screamin to the top of my lungs and the ppl in the next hotel room over heard me..the next morning ppl were def lookin at me & him(smiling) LOL
Dontcha just love the funny sex stories…LOL!!!
Once I finish LMAO, I'll come back and say something!!LMAO!!
Ok..having chex in a room full of people..college I tell you…woosah. Trying to maneuver and get nekkid under the covers while trying to be discreet should be an olympic event…especially when you have on jeans, tights AND socks (hell it was cold down in the Tidewater, lol) takes major coordination and cooperation from BOTH parties. Trying to be quiet too?! Oooo that was funny, but it was a lovely, lovely experience mm mm mm!
I'm still in undergrad and living on campus, so I can attest to a few things on here, like keeping quiet and the college twin bed (that I am currently lying in). College creates some good stories….
Pure Comedy. Unfortunately, I can't share any stories today.lol.
Boooo…hiisssssss!!! Slim ain't playing fair…boooo!!!!
Aw man…
Not too long ago, I was going in for the kill during a rough and tumble session. She was at the edge of the foot of the bed, head almost hanging off. I tried to do my finishing move and knut on the boobies…I lost balanced flipped off the bed into a perfect barrel role and landed on the floor facing the bad…luckily I hit target mid-flight of this acrobatic feat.
This is funny. Mid air eflaculation. That's funny
How about one time after a rendezvous of historic proportions I find a piece of hair braid on the floor. I sent her a picmail like "I thik you left somethin here"
**DEAD**
yo this one time I was pipin a chick and i was on the bottom i tried to pull out to nut on her/my stomach and the current was so strong i almost nutted in my own FACE! good gravy.
i'm going to have to cosign on numbers: 1, 2, 8 and 10. although for number 10 i was the one who thought the condom broke. i was like wait a minute, it cant feel this good. i had to stop to make sure. lol
number 7. i remember one time i caught i charlie horse in my hamstring mid stroke. all bad. i went from the bed to the floor in 0.7 seconds. it hurt so bad i was started sweating profusely. she just sat there and laughed at me. smh
number 3. i would never had sex in my room if my roommate was there. if i was in her room and her roommate happened to be there i really didn't care about being quiet. wrong but i still didn't care. lol
Hands down the greatest feeling ever is when you have to call campus safety for an ambulance because she thinks she tore an ab muscle turns out it's just a bruised ovary, and the R.A. and EMT's actually show up quickly while you're trying to explain why you are even in there let alone why her pantys are on backward.
I am mad these women are crickets on this topic today. Trying to act like we have female nuns reading SBM now… Yea right.
lol. ladies in the streets…i dig it though.
Okay lolol so guilty of witnessing and taking part on 1, 5, 6, 7, 9 and 10. lmao @ college twin beds. that's why you need to join like..2 of those blasted things
I remember the first time we "lost the condom." Literally, couldn't find it anywhere. For a minute we wondered if we'd ever put it on in all the excitement. After lots of um, digging, we finally found it. I actually called best friend (she's a doctor) to ask her if it was possible for it to be like in my stomach or something, lol!
After a lot of searching and feeling, we couldnt find the condom..I wanted to go to the health center cuz i really thought i was going to die from latex poisoning of the uterus (if thats possible @ all) WELL…this late 20's/ early 30's "dr" is checking me out and he is going so hard with the gloved fingers that I'm in pain like, ouch, ow, all that. He says to me "RELAX, ITS NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE FELT THIS BEFORE, I'M SURE.."…… not that bedside manner………
Ahhh man, good times! So I'm getting pretty decent backshots from ol boy one day, and I feel something wet on my back. Differentiated it from sweat forming, in my mind I'm thinking, "wtf is that??" We clearly still in action so I know its not cum. I ask, "what is on my back?…silence. I'm like ok…he's not sayin nothin, and there is a glob of something on me. Then I put it together and ask, "negro, did you just DROOL on my back?!?" Silence, then a shameful: "sorry…" Laughed so hard we had to stop, and I'm LMAO as I think back on it. Pat on my back, buy this lady a drink!
lmfao ahahaha drool
to be honest with you miseducation he was about to supaman you…. thats exactly how it happens…. better luck next time but keep the faith…
this shit is funny, i think i have been in all of these situations, minus the weave (my shit is real)… btw on number 4, isnt it a man who says he wants a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. i can account for saying things are inappropriate in public and go home and put it down. if your women wants it rough and you gettin some p*ssy, take it. beat it up, literally lol.
"I remember the first time we “lost the condom.” Literally, couldn’t find it anywhere… I actually called best friend (she’s a doctor) to ask her if it was possible for it to be like in my stomach or something, lol!"
I'm not a doctor but I've gotten these calls! Lmao! And the "oh shit it broke, WTF do I do now?!?" calls at 3AM, too. Lol. The answer- to save the next poor girl who gets called in the middle of a dead sleep: ask that brutha for $25- which is half of the cost on some PlanB!!!
#3: come on ladies, suck or bite on the shoulder!!
#5: boy oh boy have I been on the receiving end of that… And what the hell is up with trying to illicit the perfect after slap jiggle or bounce? Lol
Yeah, I can relate to the roommate situation. I was once giving this Puerto Rican chick the bizness, she started scratching the hell out of my back, screaming out, "Ay papi, ay papi" all loud and what not…Then a few seconds later, thinking I was home alone, I hear my roommate say, "HELL NAH! hahahahaha!" This of course made the girl all uncomfortable. But I didn't care…That ish was funny 😀
Not gonna lie, I'm sitting here reading these comments on labor day and laughing my ass off. Pure Comedy.
I can definitely relate to number 9 & 10.
my ex-boo used to sweat a lot! I would have a towel handy whenever he started pumping me to wipe his face. that shit was nasty…if he was on top, it may drip in my mouth, sting his eyes. there was sweat EVERYWHERE!
I remember other times getting from same bf, and it'll be feeling so good I was sure the condom had broken. we stopped to check & we found out i had just been squirting all down my thighs, it was SEXY hilarious.
another random/risky time, boo & i were getting heavy, so we took off our clothes and just as we tried to put on our only condom, it ripped. I was so wet that i let him hit it raw…that shit felt sooo good, I let him nut inside me…BLISS. thank god for the Pill.