A swindle is worth a thousand words

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One

– Streetz

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“You see that sheet of paper over there? Lighter than that… but Black.” – Anonymous

Every black man (and when I say every Black man, I use that term as loosely as a Hunts Point hooker) would love to have a little light-skinneded thing on their arm. Long hair? That’s a bonus.

Look at some of the more prominent male celebrities of color and their significant others. Jay-Z has Beyonce, Nick Cannon has Mariah Carey, The-Dream has Christina Mil…er…uh…well, you get the idea.

Unfortunately, this thought process has led some of our brothers to commit some phuckery of the highest order. In the quest to conquer a fair-skinned woman (like being dark is unfair-skinned, lol), some of you fools end up with broads that may pass the paper bag test, but probably should be wearing paper bags over their heads in public.

Dawg…she’s not cute…she’s just light-skinned.

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There are many ways that you can end up bamboozled by an unattractive yellow bone, but today we’ll concentrate on the three most common reasons why this has happened (and will happen) to you.

1.  Justification (commonly known as, “But she got [insert large, estrogen-induced body part here]!”)

Someone I knew was taking down this caramel-colored broad. Tall, even skin tone and a video hoe-level donk. Nice girl, she was. Her face, though…not so much. Once, she came up in conversation among the fellas, with the topic being would they smash. Since this was a #nowifing situation, all commentary was fair game. One dude was all for it, while another was dead set against it.

Dude A: I’d definitely smash.
Dude B: Nah son, that chick is wackjuice.
Dude A: Shut your ass up, you’d smash too.
Dude B: You’re buggin.
Dude A: No one would be mad if you smashed.
Dude B: I’d be mad at myself.
Dude A: But she has a table ass!
Dude B: She also got a table face.

Ouch.

2. The Strobelight Honey

Years ago I was at a club near West 4th Street in NYC. I really wanted to go home, but my people were having fun, so I manned up and stuck around. As I sat on a speaker calculating my hearing loss rate per minute, I turned to my right and saw this tall, light-skinned, large-breasted woman sitting next to me. She was in the same predicament as I (wanted to go home, friends didn’t). With the icebreaker out of the way, I managed to strike up a conversation and soon after, we exchanged numbers. As I left, I remarked to a friend of mine that I really didn’t get a good look at her because it was dark (MESSAGE!). My friend, who loves the light-skinnededs, assured me that she looked good.

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One week later, we met up for drinks and… let’s just say that never have I so blatantly looked at a woman’s D-cups for so long during a first date trying to justify her “beauty.”

Didn’t work.

3. Every Light-Skinned Girl Looks Good at 3 AM

Two dudes went to a party, met two girls, and they seemed to hit it off. When the party ended, the girls told the dudes they’d see them at the after party. The girls were late (of course), so the guys went to find other forms of entertainment at the party. Sure enough, the girls showed up, ready to get it in. Dude A tossed aside whatever broad he was chatting with to the side.

HOWEVAH…Dude B was completely enamored with some light-skinned jawn he’d met while waiting and was slow-grinding her in the corner. One good look at this girl and Dude B (and most of the free world) could tell this broad wasn’t cutting it. Dude B desperately tried to convince his friend that the original girl (who had that “Take me home and f–k me” look on her face) was the move. Unfortunately, Dude A would have none of it. The original girls ended up leaving. To make matters worse, Dude B didn’t even close the deal with the new chick.

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The next day, over breakfast, Dude B came to his senses.

“Yeah, I was wildin’,” he realized. She wasn’t even cute.”

She was just light-skinned.

If you’re my age, which is 21+(insert prime number here), you’ve probably fallen victim to at least one of those okeydokes. If you’re one of those dudes who still think 90% of hip-hop videos are great because, “There’s maaaaad b!tches in that video, son!” then you’ve probably been hoodwinked more than a few times. C’mon, son. Stop doing it to yourself. Now, I’m not saying to completely leave light-skinned girls alone. However, next time you find yourself interested in a girl of said complexion, just ask yourself, “Is she cute…or is she Kryptonite?”

As Real As It Gets,

W.