**** Admin Note ****
The boy Wisdom is Misery is back to supply yet another hot blog. Be sure to check him out at his blogging home WisdomIsMisery.com.
– Streetz
*****************
Good morning/afternoon/evening ladies and gentlemen. The last time I wrote for SBM, I talked about Why Men Don’t Commit. Naturally the question I heard most was, “So, why do men commit?” Hence today’s follow-up.
I thought about this topic for a long, long, looong time and I have concluded, I have no idea. Well, I have an idea but my response is usually not the rosy, comforting response most women are looking for. I’ll share a quote a fellow (female) blogger shared with me:
Boissuq.com: When men are ready to settle down, they go with whatever is right there at that moment. Luck of the draw…
I concur. Getting a man to commit is like getting hit by lightening, you just have to be at the right place at the right time. Word to big bird. Let me explain why.
Most women spend the greater part of their post-pubescent lives thinking of the qualities they would like in their man. I’m not saying they’re obsessed with it but women tend to have an idea of what they want in a man because they’ve been thinking about it longer than men have been thinking about what they want in a woman. Namely, because men spend about 3 – 12 months thinking about what they want. In addition, it’s usually when they’ve already found ‘The One.’ In other words, they begin asking themselves, “Can I see myself with THIS woman?” not “What kind of woman am I looking for?”
This might have to do with the nature of dating. Women get approached and men approach. Therefore, women need to be more intuitive in what they want; whereas, men just have to receive reciprocity (Lauren Hill!). In layman’s terms, most men go out looking for s*x and sometimes they find a relationship along the way. Women assess relationship potential and sometimes they have s*x.
There are two additional factors:
Factor #1) Women tend to have specific criteria. Using myself as an example, I cannot come up with 10 things I need in a woman. I can barely come up with 10 things I want. My list basically goes like this:
1) Be attractive……
Then there’s an addendum of things that would be nice to have, like
1a) Intelligence
1b) < 3 kids, preferably 0.
1c) see #1.
That’s it. If a woman has those qualities, I’m happy. Anything in addition to #1 is a BONUS to me.
On the other hand, I have women friends who have very specific criteria:
1) Must be this height
2) Have a college degree
3) Be this race
4) Have this belief in God; and
5) – 100) etc. etc.
More importantly, they wont stray from the list. It’s either all or nothing.
So there may be ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ but women fish with a specific bait for a specific fish; men fish with a net and decipher between the keepers later.
Factor #2) In WIM’s humble opinion, women have difficulties finding all the qualities they want in one man. Men have difficulty accepting all they want in one woman. In other words, men say they want a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets,” but then can’t handle this in one woman. As a result, they’ll have two (or more) women for each role. The one they can respect as a woman (the main) and the one they can respect as a freak (the side chick). Not only is this unfair to the women, it reinforces that (some) men can’t handle what they desire.
Lastly, men aren’t greatly impressed or intrigued by the college degrees and advancements in career that women bring to the table. Those things are nice, but if you’re unattractive, who cares?
I’ll end with part of a convo I had via Twitter with @DrJayJack that inspired this very blog then open this up to questions/comments. *Edited for readability:
@DrJayJack: Men will not ask their women to do something that makes him think less of her. He doesn’t want that.
@WisdomIsMisery: Yes, BUT he doesn’t often stop her either. “On my face” sounds good til you have to witness the aftermath
@WisdomIsMisery: Dudes are hypocrites. lol They have a “good girl” they can “love” (the main) then have the jumpoff 4 all the freaky ish on the side
@WisdomIsMisery: Honestly, that’s my point. You cant trust or cant handle? Basically, dudes want a ‘freak’ but then cant #man-up & commit to her.
@DrJayJack: I believe in the sanctity of a side piece or a GF you keep in a condo downtown near the office.
Ladies, what are 10 things you look for in a man? Is your list non-negotiable? Fellas, the statistics are in our favor *HIGH FIVE!!!* but what do you look for? Is it non-negotiable? Both, why DO men commit? Because I really don’t know other than – right place, right time?
Wisdom Is Misery
site: wisdomismisery.com
twitter: @WisdomIsMisery
As I get older and become closer to a high school friend of mine, Im beginning to realize how much of her I see in myself and how she makes me feel like a man. I see in her how she respects me and looks up to me, yet still teaches me. That balance attracts me to her. She is not passive, not overly aggressive; she just understands my plight and is impressed by my tenacity and personal zeal.
She is not physically what I consider to be my dream girl, but the years go by, she's the one who has ridden with me through the ups and downs. We established a friendship first. All the other benefits just happened to occur. If I were to committ, she'd be the prototype, if not the paradigm.
This just happens to be the first comment so I'm replying here. First, as always, thanks for the host @SBM.
Anyway, what my man is describing above here seems to reiterate my point. As he grows/matures/ages this woman that's been in his life is now aligning with his timeline. If he commits to her, it'll be because the timing is right AND she's a good girl. Sorry if I'm misinterpreting.
Anyway, for myself, I've known/met LOTs of great women at all the wrong times. And, quite frankly, there was nothing on this Earth they could have done differently to get me to commit until I was ready. Now, if I had met these SAME women at this age or later in life I'd commit to them. That's what I was trying to get across here.
Thus, I feel like it's (possibly) a waste of time to invest in a man who's not at the 'ready to commit' point on his timeline, whatever age that may be, which is what makes communication so key. The truth is great and all but there's no "nice" way to tell someone there's nothing you can do to make me be with you at this point in my life. Regardless, I think that convo needs to be had and it would help a lot of people out of both sexes.
I really like this post, it's very insightful, but I'm a bit skeptical that all men commit, I think there are some men who never get to that commitment stage and even if they decide to have a wife/ long term relationship, that doesn't mean he is going to remain faithful. His eyes will always wander regardless and his legs will always chase the next thing available.. Those are the type of men that scare me, It makes you wonder, is it just me? Is something wrong with me?can he ever be faithful or is it just me?
Someone help me out please.. Lol can ALL men really be faithful?? I'm confused..
I cant remember which comedienne said this but it was along the lines of "look for the man with the least amount of manageable problems" —> I believe this 100%, everybody has problems I just need to know what yours are and in relation to my own can I handle them?
In saying that here are my 3 non-negotiable
1. God fearing. I need to see you on your knees in church, when you are going through tough times, when I've sold your xbox by accident…I need to know there is a higher power that you respect ABOVE AND BEYOND your mama.
2. Job. Any legal job that brings in a respectable income. I need you to have a little so that you don't need to ask for me for a lot.
3. Good relationship patterns with people. I don't want to hear how everyone he comes into contact with somehow hates him.
4. Intelligence & willingness to learn. Street smarts can translate into book smarts and vice versa if a person is willing and open to learn. I can't abide ignorance and when arguing with someone I need you to understand my arguments.
5. Understanding/kindness
#thatisall
good post and its head on, most men don't have long list of qualities/requirements nor do we spend years thinking about what we want in a women(we decide to get serious with). like one of my big brothers always said "no man dreams of his wedding day" meaning we don't get overly consumed in what we want in a women/relationship it usually just happens or happens when we decide(unless we cave into forced situations).
all these points/arguments still do not prove the fact that "why do men pick the girl thats available when they feel are ready -sometimes they kinda even rush it, they dont get to know the girl well enuff cos the last relationship that did not lead to mariage probably took like 3yrs then they now marry the new chic of only 3 months….frankly i still do'nt get it, i need a man to expalin it to me like i were a 3 year old.
Mizcynic: “all these points/arguments still do not prove the fact that “why do men pick the girl thats available when they feel are ready -sometimes they kinda even rush it, they dont get to know the girl well enuff cos the last relationship that did not lead to mariage probably took like 3yrs then they now marry the new chic of only 3 months….frankly i still do’nt get it, i need a man to expalin it to me like i were a 3 year old.”
Men don’t pick just any girl that’s available, men pick a compatible partner if she happens to be available and he’s ready to settle down. The main point is a man has to be ready because as the head of the house he ultimately decides if the marriage is going to work or not. This is why men are so cautious about going into marriage, but once he’s committed and ready to be the head, a woman that meets most of his requirements will get wifed up. But the key is being ready to be a husband and father. Once that happens, in the words of Common, it don’t take all day to recognize sunshine. Just remember there are billions of suns in the universe, so to one sun it may look like he took the first thing available.
But women are the ones that far more likely have on rose-colored glasses and will “rush” things. WIM did a great job pointing out that women have a list of requirements, some superficial, some substantial. If many women find these traits in a man, then they start planning the wedding in their minds. The problem is some women don’t stop to factor if they are truly ready, if the man is ready, or even worse, put too much emphasis on the superficial and less on the substantial. Both sides tend to rush things and become so infatuated that they don't think about the effort that goes into making marriages work.
Man, you are preaching that good stuff today! Women have no idea what goes through a man's head before he commits. It's not just "oh I'm in love, let me be with her" its more of "Oh shit, am I prepared to take care of her under all circumstances? Can I put someone before myself? Do I have a stable enough job to support a family?" etc.
you seem like a very objective guy. i have a bit of a situation on my hands and i was wondering if you could give me some advice. do you have a private email address i can reach you at?
It's interesting to me how much of the blog world is fueled by restating or re asking the same issues/questions again and again.
The truth is there is no answer. There is no magic equation or solution for what works. Some men find a mate and lock on it instantly, others need to be at a certain point to commit, some just never will commit. As a man the only thing I can tell a woman is to bring quality and common sense to the table, don't disrespect yourself in search of an equal partner and if the red flags pop up, leave and don't waste time.
Nightfall
"don’t disrespect yourself in search of an equal partner and if the red flags pop up, leave and don’t waste time."
~Amen
NF,
I think the same questions can be answered from different perspective. The same questions aren't always answered "right" either.
If you have suggested topics, shoot us an email or check the facebook fan page and drop a line.
and that's how you do it…
#onhisgrownman
[As a man the only thing I can tell a woman is to bring quality and common sense to the table, don’t disrespect yourself in search of an equal partner and if the red flags pop up, leave and don’t waste time.]
THIS RIGHT HURRRR!!!!!
You are absolutely on point with this because I have witnessed time and time again how women tend to ignore the warning signs/red flags just to get that pebble/rock/boulder on her finger in hopes that it will work itself out in the end…. #EpicFail
I think I'm going to go with my lessons from Paul….
I have a few things that I consider non-negotiable but a majority of things are up in the air. There are just too many combinations of qualities that a guy can have to try and create a narrow list… I'm all for sampling the rainbow and figuring out what I cannot live with rather than some random necessities.
Co-sign.
It's really unfortunate that men don't put enough thought into who they settle down with…it's like playing russian roulette or something…this is a life commitment…maybe, this is part of the reason why marriages are failing…you can't just go with who is current…a man will research and investigate..car purchases, investing possibilities, real-estate, etc..but, the only thought that is given to who I am going to settle down with for life is…I'm going to go with who is current…smh. If you put the forethought into what you wanted like women do…perhaps we could really come together on multiple levels of compatibility and make these marriages a success and long-lasting.
Trust me, any man that truly settles down with a woman has thought long and hard about it. We just don't keep a checklist like (a lot of) women do.
You'd probably have to define "settle down" though. Are we talking marriage, exclusive dating, or what? A whole different topic though.
Well, I kind of agree. Men could probably spend more time thinking about what they want, not just in a woman, but in a wife. Which, I agree, most men I know dont.
Still, it's like men/women with shopping. Most women I know can spend all day in the mall and sometimes not buy a damn thing. Whereas, when I go, I know exactly what I want and I'm in and out. Thus, just because I dont spend all day in the mall doesnt mean I dont know what I want when I'm ready to shop.
Another point I couldnt get into (word limit), is that when a men is ready to commit – not just be in a relationship, any man can do that – he generally realizes that of course there are other women out there. Some might be finer, freakier, smarter etc etc BUT if he's truly at the point where he's ready to commit, he doesnt care. In fact, he stops caring. The woman he's chosen meets all he wants/needs (even if his list seems basic to others).
To your point, it's like buying a car. If you buy a 2009 luxury car, the 2010, 2011, and 2012 models might be flyer. But if you're happy with your 2009, you'll be proud of that mofo til the day you die. Citation: see grown men still driving around their 80s Benz lol
I could not agree with this more. The shopping analogy is perfect.
I think there are men that actually do put some time into what/who they would like their mate to be..but I also truly believe there is some invisible light bulb that turns on out of the blue that indicates to them it's time. I've seen it one too many times where a man has been with a woman for YEARS…they break up…then marry someone else within 6mths. Now…could she have been the side piece all along? Maybe…but more times than not (in my witness of this behavior) that has not been the case…it's the light bulb!
When men are ready to settle down, they go with whatever is right there at that moment. Luck of the draw…
Amen. & Amen.
I think I have a list… I'm not sure I follow it though. I do have a list of things that he can't be. Things that annoy me to my core. However, I don't go around assessing men for my future. I don't know… I'm kind of passive about these things so I deal with them (the man and his character traits/personality) as they come.
*clears throat*
Ex-squeeze me miss, but I'm gonna need a full update about Friday night.
Please and thank you.
The Management 😀
[OFF TOPIC]
Bwhahahahaha… LaBakir!! I knew you'd ask… Wonderful. Great. Awesome. Different. Food was had, drinks were served, conversation was effortless, and the cheque was picked up by the party w/ the most masculinity. =]
I did cringe once b/c he put his hand under my weave to massage my shoulders. He was a little too close to the naps for comfort. I was tryna hafta explain that situation so early in our communications. LOL. He did hit me w/ a move [re: proposal] that I wasn't sure was asked b/c he was male or b/c he was pigment deficient. A guy friend assured me it's cuz he's a man so we shall see…
And of course that should say:
I wasn't tryna hafta explain that so early in our communications.
Awwww! That's excellent!
LMAO @ him getting too close for comfort!
Glad you had a swell time 😀
I don't think we give men enough credit about matters of the heart.
I'm not sure its the luck of the draw often times than not with the idea of who to settle down with for men. What I see in my culture and most foreign cultures is them men will play around with every and any girl for as long as they please, but when its time to settle down and create a true family (a lot of time the "playing" leads to children) they will go and seek a mate of similar cultural background. My father did it, plenty of uncles, cousins, etc. Its not just in my background, but Indians, Asians, etc all do it.
What I do see is it isn't about compatibility with these men, in the sense of each others temperaments, etc …its back to basics. The thought process is:
Will she be a good mother? She will raise my children the same way I was raised. She'll be woman like my own mother….I'll get a god home cooked meal, knows how to keep a home, etc.
1. He's good on paper.
2. He's as good or close in real life- plus has a sense of humor and appreciates me .
That's what I look for…
Curious as to what you mean by "he's good on paper"
Good on paper? Meaning he's got that paper (aka degrees), or makes that paper (aka cheese)?
@Anike
Exactly! Money, Degrees…or meaning his "resume" looks good:
-Job
-Degree
-Disease Free
-No kids
B/c let me tell you something…there are dudes out there who look good on paper but are crazy as cat sh!t and have more issues that a little bit.
Talk about a swindle,lol
@LaBakir…girl you ain't neva lied! C R A Z Y
@Seven
You can say that again!
*Delivers her offering like this*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EaI0U1_IW4
The Lord loves a cheerful giver. PAUSE!
@Starita
LMAO!!! Did my man really start pop locking though?!!!
I wish I was there! I would've been gassing him up like "Go go go go! Get it!"
*wipes forehead*
I have been a victim of the resume swindle. I held on to Mister for too d@mn long b/c I felt like he deserved a chance based off his resume. No kids. Degree. Good job. Disease free. Good credit. Healthy.
He looked good on paper. And that gave him a one up.
*waves hand* But lawd knows this man has got more issues than a little bit. Not only that, he's not at a place where he can even acknowledge them and begin to work on them. I could not be his Super Woman. It was killing me.
And that's not to say I didn't care for this man. I did. Alot. But the "possibility" of what he/we could be b/c of his resume earned me a lot of lessons.
Needless to say I'm wary of these dudes that look good on paper b/c they usually have more issues in their closet than Lil Pookie has Jordan's.
@LaBakir
What? That's not how you give offering? 😉
How about he almost spearheaded the lady in orange. And after all that, his offering was a check for 50 cents on that "every little bit helps" tip. lol
::Commence the first meeting of the done got got by that Resume Swindle::
My name is Star (all: Hi Star) and I've got got.
Good on paper gets you in the door, but that doesn't mean you can stay. Bye.
What really kills me is when those men think all that good on paper excuses everything else. Like "yeah, I cheated on you, so!?! You know what a GOOD man you got? I got a J-O-B"
e_O *Scooby Doo huh*
Congrats on that job and that lil extra @ss you got for free, hope she's got a couch for ya playa.
Did I say bye? Bye.
@Starita
EXACTLY!
That resume can be an excuse to hurt and behave inappropriately.
Dudes know what time it is in the dating field and as a result some of them are feeling themselves immensely.
This just may be the male equivalent to all those women screaming that they're independent because they pay their own bills…yeah…that's what you're SUPPOSED to do! What else you got?
I EXPECT you to be disease free! Silly rabbit, you get no awards for that.
You're so right on the supply and demand issue…my motto is it just takes one. I don't need a million available men to be a contender; I just need to find that ONE…keep your d@mn statistics to yourself Mr. Harvey.
right place, right time is absolutely, positively true.
on your other topic:
men need to get over saying they want, but not acting on, their freakiness with their significant other.
if men want some freaky ish, just ask your significant other…..they'll do it. TRUST.
respect shouldnt even come into it. men should be satisfied they dont have to go anywhere for what they can get at home. side pieces=trouble…no matter which way you spin it.
Good post.
Women typically think romantically about relationships while men typically think practically. Viewing the situation practically, there is no one person for you, there are hundreds, or even thousands of people who would meet your requirements. Despite some romantically believing that their soul mate is out there and they are perfectly attuned, they don’t recognize or want to admit that a major part of love is timing and chance. The concept of a soul mate is a myth. Your dream partner may be in a relationship already, or didn’t approach you for whatever reason, you just never crossed paths, etc. There is no magical person, but you have the ability to grow into a “magical” partnership.
Men will try to find a good match. It’s not so much that men take “whoever’s there”, than it is if there is a good match there, that person has compatibility, and we are ready to settle down, we’ll make the decision. Trust me, no intelligent man will settle down with just anyone, knowing the risks of marriage and the consequences of divorce.
Very well said. I don't think that there is one soul mate but a huge possibility of people that you "play well with".
That's good stuff you typing right thurr Hugh
I have a list of qualities I'd LIKE in a man.
I also have a list of non-negotiables. Being a poor communicator being one of them. I don't go around crossing off a check list with every guy I encounter. But I do review it to make sure I'm not "selling myself short".
"So there may be ‘plenty of fish in the sea’ but women fish with a specific bait for a specific fish; men fish with a net and decipher between the keepers later."
I love it! This is quite true.
I've long said I didn't have a "type" other than some very bare minimums and even those are flexible. As someone that is recently engaged I can tell you what my reasoning is/was. Simply put, she makes me happier. I'm quite satisfied with my life even if my fiance wasn't there but she just amplifies all of the good in my life. It's really like I'll be marrying my best friend.
I'm over the whole list thing, but I just ask for the basics
like communication, respect, ambition/passion, and some type of spirituality.
I don't think that's so bad and I'm not asking anything of the guy that I don't possess myself. Unfortunately, I've found guys with all of those traits and they've still been a mess! So it goes to show that these lists are never foolproof.
That being said, don't think we can underestimate being at the right place at the right time, but also definitely being the right person at the right place at the right time! Had girlfriends whose b/fs have dipset just for the dude to end up marrying some other chic like a year later…BURN…
Ya know, since I kinda wrote about this last week, I'd say men are more complex/thoughtful that people think in their dating decisions if they're considering serious commitment/long term/settling down. I personally don't require much when I'm in a chill situation with someone, but if she's Boobookins O'Wifeysworth then I do have a little list of things I expect in no particular order:
1. She can handle that I'm a writer/blogger. I've learned that some women just can't handle it and get paranoid.
2. Her idea of an exciting night is more than just f*ckin, drinking gatorade, and f*ckin some more. (I do like that tho)
3. She has no problems giving compliments or saying ish to enhance my confidence. Men like to hear nice things too.
4. She doesn't expect me to go to church with her just by the fact we're together. So yeah, respect how I go about Christian life.
5. She can communicate what's on her mind without shutting down/doesn't quit as soon as things get challenging.
6. Some other ish I just don't feel like writing at this moment
I've had enough experiences in dating to know that having the 3 item list will ultimately cause me 10 headaches later on.
And that makes perfect sense. I realize that my husband took a long time to commit because he knew that being a husband/father was a serious commitment.
When the whole wall street crash came down and he suddenly found himself sans a six figure salary and me with my paycheck from a major university (meaning not much money at all), he knew that he had to keep it moving and got a job as an analyst making the exact same money but he HATES what he's doing. (no prestige, no travel, no expense account, company blackberry, trips to europe and a fancy title). But he wasn't trying to mess up our lifestyle and knew that he had a family to take care of and 2 teenage sons.
That's when you realize that marriage is cool in the love department but marriage is also a business arrangement. (keeping within the lifestyle that you're accustomed to).
I must admit that I had a list, but he had one too — and we would talk long and hard before the commitment was made (we dated for 7 years before marriage)…and even now sometimes when i get too fluffy about something, he will say "when did you think this was all about fun?" sometimes the practicality of his level headedness is enough to keep me sober on a regular basis.
That’s when you realize that marriage is cool in the love department but marriage is also a business arrangement. (keeping within the lifestyle that you’re accustomed to).
Co-sign.
Hopefully he can make a transition back to what he enjoyed sooner rather than later. I know a lot of folks in that situation right now. Very sobering in and of itself.
Thank you Slim, I hope so too, he's on the look out.
You got yourself a good man. I don't think many women understand the types of things that a man has to take on when he decides to start a family. If anyone is going to go without you better believe the husband will be the first to take a cut so his family can stay at the top.
At least in my eyes.
I agree with you Animate, he is a good man and I am lucky to have him and lucky that he takes his role as a husband and provider seriously.
((((applause)))) for the healthy relationship 🙂 18 years, right?
Yes Starita, it will be 18 years on October 24th….thank you.
Truth dot com:
"…most men go out looking for s*x and sometimes they find a relationship along the way. Women assess relationship potential and sometimes they have s*x."
"Men have difficulty accepting all they want in one woman. In other words, men say they want a “lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets,” but then can’t handle this in one woman." "Basically, dudes want a ‘freak’ but then cant #man-up & commit to her." I love when ya'll can admit the truth! Of course we all have weaknesses, you ain't got ta lie Craig. This could be a post alllll in itself. I ABHOR the Madonna/Whore complex!
I enjoyed the post WIM. I do have the proverbial "list" but I think that one thing that gets misconstrued with a woman's list is that it's not a MUST HAVE list, it's an IDEAL list. Like IDEALLY my husband and I would start a family together, but in reality I'd totally be willing to date/marry a man with a child or two depending on his relationship with the mother of the children and how he behaves as a father. So that IDEAL list would be loooong and is what you are most likely referring to above I think. But here are my dealbreakers…
1. I must respect him.
This is the catch all. I plan to marry a man that will be the head of our household. Therefore I must be able to trust and respect that he will make the right decisions for the family even when he disagrees with me. Respect is of the utmost importance. This includes things like intelligence, reciprocal respect, similar life direction, Christian values, a record of good decisions with me and our relationship, etc…
2. He must be willing to give me children.
I gotta have kids, I want my husband's kids. That simple.
3. He must be as committed to a successful marriage as I am.
I take marriage very seriously. If he's always got divorce in his back pocket as a "get out of jail free" card, this isn't gonna work out Boo. I'm in it to win it.
c/s on "ideally"
The 'list" gets you in trouble when you aren't flexible. Life isn't set in stone, so it's not practical to function like that.
IMO you could possibly block a blessing by being so rigid. But I do think it's beneficial to have a clear head on AT LEAST what are deal breakers for you.
Yea, I would be with a man who has kids. My mom raised my sister (who isn't here biological daughter), and they're so much a like, more than I am like her. I've seen many combined/step families, and the attitude really changes things.
I have some basics, but for the most part, I understand love/my ride-to-die may not come package the way I expect.
Its funny how people use the cliche "people come into your life for a reaosn, season or lifetime" btu then get upset when they become "Autumn" and the next woman/man becomes "Infinity"
LOL So so true!
Knowing the truth doesn't always mean "they" like it. lol
It's all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out…
truth.com
i don't agree with either of your points. i have a list of things which i look for in a woman and it clearly is more than 10 things.
1) attractive
2) ambitious
3) have a college degree
4) can cook
5) wants children (at least 2)
6) funny or has a sense of humor
7) has a nice body
8) has no children before me
9) has nice teeth
10) be supportive
11) be sexually adventurous
i only listed 11 because i wanted to show i had more than 10. and speaking of 11, number eleven brings me to factor number two.
i don't know about y'all but i want to do all the freaky, nasty ish that i could dream of with my main chick and i know i wouldn't look at her differently or any less after. maybe that's just me. i can separate what happens in the bedroom from what happens outside of it. even if i can't that might make me want her even more. *shrug*
as far as what makes me want to commit, it's more than right place, right time. i've never woke up and been like i think i want a girlfriend, let me see who's in my life. that just doesn't make sense to me. now if a woman fits the list that i mentioned above (or at least most of it) and i enjoy being around her then i might start thinking about locking her down. if i'm thinking about her, even when i'm not with her is a tell tale sign for me. when i'd rather spend time chilling with her than hanging out with my boys at the club is another.
"i can separate what happens in the bedroom from what happens outside of it."
Yes, Yes, Yes!!
She's a freak b/c she wants to please you? That's ridiculous.
Good list!
exactly. i would hope any woman i'm with wouldn't look at me sideways because i'm a deviant.
LOL…IMO you can be a deviant as long as you don't deviate from the relationship.
Good points. Though I would say #'s 1,7, and 9 fall under 'be attractive.' Just sayin. Still, we all have our own preferences and yours are clearly more particular than mine. But, I'm a pretty easy guy to please when it's all said and done.
I need a girl with a nice smile but it doesnt have to be perfect, same goes for the body, pesonality etc. etc. I got enough jokes to go around, long as she's not always pessimistic.
When it comes down to it though, I date a wide range of women because I dont have a 'type' which is why I've never really worried about settling down. Since I'm attracted to a lot of different women I naturally have a large dating pool.
Now as far as the timing goes, I dont care how great a woman is because as I said earlier, I've met great women before, so I have no doubt I'll meet great women again. Personally, I would prefer not to settle down before I achieve some goals seperate from a relationship, such as firmly establishing my career, getting my Masters, etc. These things are more important to me than a relationship, so I tend not to worry about the latter. And I wouldnt expect (or advise) any woman to wait on me in the mean time.
The only exception to the rule for me would be if I met a woman who I thought I couldnt replace OR would be very very difficult to replace. Then, I might move the timeline up. The reason I dont usually negotiate this though is because honestly women/relationships tend to distract me from my other life goals. Maybe that's just me.
you're right they are all forms of attractiveness but they are all different facets. some men could care less about what a woman's face looks like as long as she has an a$$ you could bounce a quarter off. me? i care about what a woman's face looks like first but her body is important to me as well. a person's teeth (man or woman) is the first thing i notice when i meet them so it's really important to me.
as far as a type i also could date a wide range of women. no woman i've dated as been like the rest. my standard of beauty is wide but i still have qualities that i would like in a woman.
" Personally, I would prefer not to settle down before I achieve some goals seperate from a relationship, such as firmly establishing my career, getting my Masters, etc. These things are more important to me than a relationship, so I tend not to worry about the latter. "
i feel on you this point. i think that there are also things in my life which i would want to accomplish before i think about getting married. most of them i think i have but until i'm absolutely comfortable with myself first as an individual i'm can't in good faith get married.
The most important aspect of woman for me where attractiveness is concerned is intelligence. The more intelligent the woman the less I care what she actually looks like. The most beautiful woman in the world would not attract me in the slightest if she didn't have any intellect. Yes, I have my types (I like slim, dark haired women) but this is secondary to a working brain.
@La Bakir & Anike Love…..ah yes the "good on paper swindle- that's why my no.2 thing to look for is good in real life -lol.
For me good on paper prob equates to La Bakir's "not selling myself short"- it's not a checklist so much as it's "this is what I bring to the table and would expect in return at a minimum"
example ( in no particar order):
– kind hearted, easy going, laidback : I.e is a " nice person" aka a sweetheart. A sweetheart will treat you well and won't be a moron to my friends and family when introduced to them..
-hardworking,employed or in school: I.e has ambition….be it ambition to make $$$ or just be a better person.
– last but not least I personally am a sucker for
good looks….gotta good looking AND possess
swag.
Kids,race,income, age difference are all irrelevant factors for me.
Disclaimer: I think most women will agree we don't want no X-con, Down-low or vertically challenged guy …..though I know people in relationships with all of the aforementioned types- to each his own.
My list…
1. Attractive
2. Educated w/ degrees. Too many people have diplomas, and they don't know anything.
3. His own relationship with God. Doesn't matter where he is in his walk, as long as he in on the right path.
4. Exercises regularly. Cardio, not just weights.
5. Adventurous in all aspects of life. Willing to try new things.
6. A silly side and a sense of humor.
7. No children. This is the only non-negotiable. I want to be his one and only baby mama. lol.
8. Supportive
9. Able to communicate clearly.
10. A big d*ck! lol.
Seriously, I don't really have a list. When I'm dating a guy, I have to enjoy being around him. So, my thought process usually goes something like "Do I like spending time with him? and would I like to spend more time with him?" If I can answer those 2 questions in the affirmative, its because he has met at least some of my expectations for him as a potential mate.
I never actually tried to put a list together, because I always had a good idea what I want. But I guess here's a list off the top of my head in order of importance:
1. Be happy. Non-negotiable. You can’t make a person happy and I will not be your psychiatrist.
2. Christian. I can’t be worshipping Yahweh and you talking about Ahura Mazda.
3. Wants to be my wife. Understanding a wifely role and willing to do it til death do us part.
4. Wants to be a mother. Wants my children and wants to raise them with me.
5. Independent. Not in a job/career sense, but has her own hobbies and doesn’t need me as her sole source of entertainment.
6. Accepts my eccentricities. No side-eyes when I’m reading Thucydides, voting libertarian, or buying figures for my JLU action figure collection. Just shake your head, say, "I love him anyway", and go back to reading your Essence.
7. Attractive. Doesn’t have to be a 9 or 10, but can’t be a five. This includes being in decent shape.
your #5 is an absolute must on my list
nice list btw
*swoon*
Superb list.
Hugh Jazz with another 3 pointer
He's on roll…
LaBakir: "Hugh Jazz with another 3 pointer
He’s on roll…"
That reminds me: if the Bucks game is on (or if the Kobe game is on), she doesn't bother me. We'll just slide that in as 5a.
Seven, you have no idea how major number 5 is (well, I guess you do if it's a non-negotiable for you). If the Bucks are up one point and the fourth quarter just started, that is not the time to come at me on some Cosmo-quiz tip to test my love. Trust me, I'll fail that test utterly, completely, and unapologetically. She's gonna have to find something to do for the next 30 minutes.
Cosmo Quiz!!! HILARIOUS!!!
Good list!!!
I like this list 🙂
If he is a Christian with solid character & integrity, between 170-300 lbs, has amazing conversation, "loves him some me," and supports himself and some of my wants, we can make it work, Other things are important, but that's my main criteria. Habits and ways of life will change; even thought processes will change. I'll assume he'll adapt some things about my lifestyle to his as I'll do the same. I just want a companion who's worthy of spending a life with.
As for me, timing has been everything with men. All of my ex's are amazing men, even the men I've solely dated (there's a very questionable one–he was a user). However, between distance and/or our positions in our lives, it just wasn't the best thing for both of us. One thing is certain, when a man IS ready, and has made up his mind, he makes it happen.
Something that pisses me off though is that sometimes I feel I can be all that I am with men. The fact of the matter is many women, especially nowadays, have many aspects about them that leaves them unclassifiable.
I am the good-girl, Christian, who likes classic 50s-styled dresses, pearls, Bay's Theorem, operas, plays and museums…BUT… I am also the sweat-pants wearing, COD-playing, Wayne/Wale/J.Cole-mixtape-listening,political-debating, "nigggah-word-saying," cooking, bamboo earring-wearing, sexual being. I'm full of cultural contradictions, yet I'm comfortable being that. Between my confidence and being who I am, I find that has been too much for some men.
"I am the good-girl, Christian, who likes classic 50s-styled dresses, pearls, Bay’s Theorem, operas, plays and museums…BUT… I am also the sweat-pants wearing, COD-playing, Wayne/Wale/J.Cole-mixtape-listening, political-debating, “nigggah-word-saying,” cooking, bamboo earring-wearing, sexual being. I’m full of cultural contradictions, yet I’m comfortable being that. Between my confidence and being who I am, I find that has been too much for some men."
Man I love this. Like I wanna propose and get it pregnant-LOVE this! Goes right along with the Madonna/Whore complex that I loathe so much. I tell people new men same thing. I'm a host of contradictions. So don't eeem try to put me in a box, you'll be disappointed.
Yay you! You just keep on doing you.
I just can't with you. Did you just say you wanna knock up her comment?!
LMAO
*walks away*
Yea, I didn't know what to say. **looks down…pause
Thank you…*even longer awkward pause…
But seriously, thanks–I knew I wasn't the only one 🙂
Do you Starita. Ride that comment, get knocked up by it and have a whole litter of chilrens with it!
I love this comment… I just wanna say though that 170-300 lbs is quite a large gap. Lmao. It depends on his height how that actually looks but my first thought was O_O three hunnid?! nah. lol.
Haaaaaaaaaa I wanted to ask if there was a height scale that went along with it…but I left it alone and chuckled to myself… LMAO
What can I say…I like big men…lol.
But seriously, if he's 6'7 and 280, I ain't trippin. It's just another mountain to climb. 🙂
I'm also 5'7; I'm not a small, petite woman, but I'm also not that big either, so I can/willing to adjust to a wide range of men :-).
I hear that! I'm not a petite woman either… I'm 5'7 #AllCurvesEverything so having a bigger guy = love or at least lust. But there are a lot of smedium men in the DC Metro so I've adapted. Need to get down south and get me a southern bred, corn fed man. LOL!
5'8 over here…def not shaped like a pre-pubescent 10 year old…however I tend to like the leaner dudes,lol.
Not rail thin like T.I….but Breezy's or Trey's build *shudders*
That swimmer a la Mike Phelps build does it for me.
So Flyy-why you always loving what I'm loving? Me and the Whittiest's comment are happy together! I'm with child, he says he loves me, we're gonna get married as soon as his cousin gets him this job at the rail road, don't go breaking up our budding family, no Alicia.
😉
Good post WIM (by the way, you slacking on your blog ;))
I used to have a list before, a long one too… now, I don't have one.
Now what I would love to have in a partner is first of love, companionship, a best friend, lover, and confidant. A relationship/partnership/marriage is a work in progress. This whole "it needs to be the right time.." is true, you have to be in the right time for yourself before you can be the right time for someone else. Sometimes it takes years, then you reconnect, and you know and see the growth that's happened in between both of you. Obviously if you decide to go back the attraction is still there but there's more now, its genuine, you can see a future and that potential.
Love your new picture, beautiful and mysterious 🙂
Animate: "Women have no idea what goes through a man’s head before he commits. It’s not just “oh I’m in love, let me be with her” its more of “Oh shit, am I prepared to take care of her under all circumstances? Can I put someone before myself? Do I have a stable enough job to support a family?” etc."
WisdomIsMisery: “Anyway, for myself, I’ve known/met LOTs of great women at all the wrong times. And, quite frankly, there was nothing on this Earth they could have done differently to get me to commit until I was ready…Thus, I feel like it’s (possibly) a waste of time to invest in a man who’s not at the ‘ready to commit’ point on his timeline, whatever age that may be, which is what makes communication so key. The truth is great and all but there’s no “nice” way to tell someone there’s nothing you can do to make me be with you at this point in my life"
This is the key point women need to take away from this discussion. If you want a man who is a man and not just a male, that’s the head of the house, a man you can look up to and respect, realize you can’t turn him into that man. He has to have that mindset already. You can’t make him that man.
And those comments make the case for "going backwards". Not that I've heard it amongst this circle, but in my real life men are always proclaiming "I don't go backwards". Well some times you should. Some times it's timing, particularly with men.
Honestly I hate that whole "going backwards" thing. There is no way you can go backwards when it comes to relationships. My current fiance and I broke up but got back together a year or so later. I didn't look at it as continuing the old relationship and she struggled at the beginning of the new relationship because she was still treating it as the old one even though both of us, especially me, had an entire committed relationship while we were apart.
Like you said, timing is key. Before we broke up she wanted to get married but wasn't ready in my opinion. I'm fairly certain I wasn't ready in all aspects that re important to me. If some women can ignore some of those little clocks they have ticking in their head they can be happier than they could imagine.
Hugh Jazz, as usual I gotta #cosign this and all the post you put above.
And as Animate is quoted here, just because a man's list of what he needs/wants in a woman might be lacking (compared to that of the opposite sex anyway) doesnt mean he doesnt have a full apprecation for commitment/marriage/family/etc and the responsibility that each entails, which is why some men are so afraid (yes, afraid) to fully embrace it.
IMO men like/prefer to have control of, at minimum, their lives. Whereas the love needed to sustain a healthy relationship/marriage implies giving up some level of control. It's called 'falling' in love for a reason and, to me, it takes men longer to come to that realization.
I agree with WIM. I don't know how it works for women but for myself and pretty much every guy I've known, we don't generally have a ready-made list of qualities we look for in a woman right from the beginning. We seem to find women who display the qualities we like and take note of that you have that particular quality. I think we're more likely to have a list of things we definitely DON'T want than things we do.
I also agree about the role luck plays. Even if a man is lucky enough to find a woman with the qualities he wants, if he isn't ready to settle down/commit, he won't. Timing is a part of that luck.
I think it is a maturity thing. Once a man is secure enough to be with one woman, he will. It is very possible, and highly attractive, for a woman to "do it all". My girl did some stuff the other day. It was nasty, but i liked it. It is a reality that men want women to serve in different roles, why not an All-in-One?
I'm really working on letting go of the list… but a belief in the triune God is a must…
And it seems that every time I venture out the box… well, things go all awry and I find myself heading back to the list to see where I went wrong.
But honestly, as I stated… when a man is ready, he is ready, until then, there is nothing we can do about it.
Labakir: That resume can be an excuse to hurt and behave inappropriately.
I CAN ATTEST 100% TO THIS!!!
That is why this second time around IF/WHEN I do decide to get wifed up or HELL even boobookins again I've made some editing to my requirement list. YES having paper is always a good thing makes life so much easier (vacations/jewelry/furs/cars/handbags/nice restaurants, etc. all of that BEEN THERE DONE THAT) but at the end of the day if you are being treated as if you should be on your hands/knees 24/7 thanking Gawd you found this AZZWIPE with deep pockets and you should ignore all the BS that comes along with it then what's the point cuz after you broken in or got used to the "I'm Sorry Gifts" you are back to Square 1. *shrug*
Now I am not saying I am willing to help ungrade a lazy non-motivated speciman but if he is working towards something with ALOT of ambition and he has both feet firmly planted on soil and shows me that I'm Number 1 then I am willing to rock with him..
Ladies, what are 10 things you look for in a man?
1) Intelligent (hopefully college educated)
2) Wants a family & hopefully doesn't have kids already
3) Doesn't smoke
4) Creative (in different ways)
5) Understanding
6) Attractive to me
Is your list non-negotiable?
Not really but some things can be negotiable…but the smoking thing is not.
I have no clue what makes men commit…i wish i knew though!
Good post WIM!
That isn't 10 but overall, i want someone that is good to me & would be proud to bring home to my grandparents (my parents are around but my grandparents approval means more to me)
You speaking truth (in parts): "Lastly, men aren’t greatly impressed or intrigued by the college degrees and advancements in career that women bring to the table. Those things are nice, but if you’re unattractive, who cares?"
Why dont women get this? Women look to degrees because it speaks directly to a man's earning potential which then speaks to a man's ability to provide (economically of course). Men dont care about this metric because we are expected to provide so earning potential isnt as important.
However, I do look for certain sh*t in a woman, Even the joints i was just smashing. I dont smash no joints that I would want to kill if I got her pregnant. The good ussy aint worth the hassle of having a low aiming, no money making broad in your life for the next 18 yrs and 9 months. Just aint worth it
I know this is really late, but….I read once that, a woman falls in love and decides to commit and a man decides to commit then falls in love….something to that effect.
But it seems – to me- that some women are more focused on the wife/girlfriend title than doing what it takes to make a relationship work. Also, it seems that some women are more focused on the claiming the title of wife/girlfriend than knowing when it is best just to leave the situation alone….I mean, what's wrong with being single and waiting for the right time to be in a relationship?
Attractiveness & Intelligence — I cannot have dumb, ugly kids.
Too many women are focused on having the man commit rather than having a healthy balanced relationship. You can get a sucka to commit to you,just to say you got a man committed…
There are four things that will make a man commit:
1. A pretty woman
2. A pretty woman who cooks
3. A pretty woman that likes to fuck (I'm talkin bout that buck-nasty shit)
4. A pretty woman that knows when to shut the fuck up (the biggest man-deterrent)
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Drjack believes in…?! #swerve if you aren’t on my team, your contract is null. Success doesn’t come chasing side ass. That’s for weak minded men needing to have their lack of power and importance stroked to feel in control of something. Mom wasn’t home bc she loved you and was working to feed you, not bc she wanted to emotionally starve you. Man up, boys.