“You can have a brand new Honda Accord, or a used Maserati, that’s a decision that you’ll have to make for yourself.”

I meet a lot of women.  And I don’t just mean a lot of women, I mean a LOT of women.  That comes with the territory of being a blogger, women notice me out and they approach me and almost as soon as they tell me they read my blog, they want to hear my thoughts on something.  This means that I’ve met some women who aren’t experienced at all in dating, and then some who have Brett Favre-like dating histories.  (For those who might miss the sports reference, Favre is a guy who played football for twenty years.)  I meet some women who are trying to shed the “good girl” reputation that they have, and I meet women who are trying to shed the “bad girl” reputation that they have acquired over the years.  At some point, I sat down and started thinking to myself, what is the best way to really express my thoughts and feelings about what was going on?  How do you balance the urge to break out into song?

“Know you’ve been hurt by someone else, I can tell by the way you carry yourself.  If you let me, here’s what I’ll do, I’ll take care of you.”

The reality, however, how hard of a reality to accept is that most men don’t want to take care of women.  They will take an inexperienced woman who has never had any significant relationships in her life, before they’ll take a woman who’s been through some heartbreak in her life.  For most men, it comes down to knowing that they can’t deal with the bags and scars that woman has.  When you think about a woman who has been abused, (and not just physically, but mentally or emotionally too), it’s hard to deal with the side effects from that abuse.  Men will have to deal with paranoia from women because in their past, they had a man who cheated on them right up under their nose.  Men will have to deal with body consciousness from their women because in their past, they had a man who never told them they were beautiful.  Men will have to deal with anger issues from women because in their past, they had a man who didn’t know how to effectively communicate and screaming and shouting was the way they communicated with each other.

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And not every man is man enough to deal with that.

I was talking to a friend about my theory here and I asked him if he ever purchased or wanted to purchase a pet.  I asked him if he thought that he would buy his pet from a breeder, or rescue a pet that was abused, or unwanted.  Then I said this, “You see that’s the thing, we’d all like to think we have a heart and we would be willing to rescue a pet, but we’re not sure we can deal with the effects of the abuse.  There are habits that have been instilled in those pets that will be difficult to change.  That’s exactly, how men feel about the damaged girl.”  If you rescue a pet that’s been pampered too much by its previous owner, that pet is going to need a lot of attention.  If you rescue a pet who was fighting for its life every day, that pet is going to sometimes have flashbacks of fighting for their life.

There was this girl I knew who men found it increasingly difficult to date because as a child, one day, her parents just packed up and left her.  They had their battle with addiction and chose it over her.  This girl had extreme abandonment issues.  She wouldn’t let men take care of her, she never relied on anyone, so no one felt like they were needed in her life.  Any man dating her would have to deal with this part of her.  It was surely difficult, but there was nothing she could do to change that.  However, for some men, it was much too much for them to deal with.

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That’s an extreme example, but you know the practical application of this, and the real reason why we’re here today is this right here.  There’s a girl who made some bad decisions with putting her heart in the hands of men who only wanted a pretty face or sex and after the thrill was gone, left them.  There’s a girl who was taken advantage of by men and maybe she made some personal mistakes too, but now she’s ready for a healthy, meaningful and loving relationship.  She has the same chance of finding a boyfriend as someone catching a cab from Manhattan to the Bronx at 3AM.  But why?  Personally, I love this lyric;

 “I like a woman with a future and a past, a little attitude problem all good it’ll make the sh*t last. Don’t make it too easy girl, don’t take it too fast. Yeah, that’s it, right there, that’s it.”

That’s my opinion. I don’t mind a woman who might have been through some things in her past, who hasn’t?  Doesn’t that make her stronger?  Isn’t that strength going to help your relationship last when it gets tough?  Well, in addition to the habits and the baggage that will come with dating these women, men think about what people will think of them and their relationship.  One of your boys will tell you, “She’s a nice girl. Smash that, pass that, don’t wife that.” I never really understood this, and then again, my dating history shows it.  I’ve dated some great women.  Mainly, because I dated them in the present, I didn’t date their past, and I was trying to affect our future.  But I can’t convince men to do the same, and that’s okay, I think that a lot of men will miss out, but I’m hoping that in time we all find peace in our hearts.

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What about you guys? Do you think sometimes we enslave people to their past?  Things they can’t change.  On the flip side, is someone not having any past really a good thing?  I’m sure if you’ve ever dated an inexperienced person you can attest, one should think about that.  Let’s converse.  Cheers.

– Dr. J

Independent of my work here at SingleBlackMale.org, many of you know that I’ve done an amazing amount of work over at ThisIsTheDream.com.  Well, we started working on a project in April of last year and then upon my unexpected retirement from relationship writing we shelved the project.  Good material can’t stay on the shelf forever, so after some persuading, I got back in the writer’s studio and published this book.  After all it was just a bunch of guys letting loose in the name of Ratchet Music.  It features myself, Nova Giovanni (ThisIsTheDream.com), NC17 (Black Girls Are Easy), Rahim the Dream (ThisIsTheDream.com) and The Guy (We found him in a ditch called the comments section of SBM.org).  All that said, please take an opportunity to download and read, ThisIsTheDream.com’s Guide to Jumpoffs 101.