Commitment Phobia

But I haven’t slept with every girl in the world, yet!

I’ve written before about Modern Men Being Too Lazy to Court due in part to advancements in technology, like the computer, cell phone, and the evil cesspit of modernization known as “Facebook”. However, I never touched on how modern men became a very lazy man in the first place. Technology is not the only culprit behind the rise of a lazy man, because not all men are focused on meeting a woman online. In fact, many men still meet women the old fashioned way – in places that range further than from behind their computer or smartphone.

Technology has merely exposed what many women have been lamenting for years: A lazy man in their pursuit of a woman and generally take the easiest route possible to do so. This is highly ironic when you consider the fact that most women measure their value in a man’s life not by his words but by the effort he puts forth in pursuing them. It depends on the same environment where you have a corresponding – and likely much higher – the number of men doing all in their power to invest the least amount of effort possible in pursuing these women. This is an obvious recipe for disaster. To avoid confusion here, let me state unequivocally that I believe modern men are lazier than past generations of men.

From my non-scientific observations, most men are lazier in both their courting activities and their general willingness to court at all. At some point, we’re all young and just looking to have fun. This wouldn’t be an issue if it wasn’t for the inconvenient fact that this group of men also contains the same group of men women will eventually expect to grow up, court them, date them and commit to them. Instead, for many women, it seems like men their age (and older) are still just looking to have fun. This is why a number of women are frustrated by the perceived lack of men they have to choose from when they are ready to settle down. I covered this topic in, Do Women Have Less Good Men to Choose From.

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If women keep saying there aren’t enough good, marrying-aged, stable men to choose from and men keep saying there are plenty of good men to choose from, except women aren’t choosing those men, which one is right, men or women? Honestly, the answer is closer to, “both” than either party being outright wrong. While there are plenty of reasons for why this situation exists, today I want to focus on the evolution of the lazy man and how his rise to power complicates the dating environment for everyone…

Lazy Man: In the Beginning

When it comes to pursuing women, most modern men of potential marrying age and reasonable stability are lazy. There, I said it. There are a number of reasons why men are lazy, and not all of those reasons are their fault, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are lazy when it comes to dating, courting, and well, just about anything that doesn’t directly benefit them or has a defined, measurable return on investment. How did this happen?

Man Courting Woman

Most young (and some grown) men are not self-sufficient.

When men are young and generally have nothing to offer the dating pool other than the game, a winning smile and a charming personality, they are beyond aggressive when it comes to pursuing women. More importantly, they don’t need to justify their pursuits. The only thing they desire is the company of a woman. They don’t demand that she know how to cook, remain beautiful at all times and always weigh a certain amount, or whatever another arbitrarily subjective measurement of a woman Twitter/Facebook is arguing about this week. No, all men want for their efforts when they’re young is a woman.

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If you disagree, you need travel no further than your local 18 – 21+ club and bask in the vigor those young men will demonstrate in their pursuit of everything that resembles a woman. It’s almost awe-inspiring. Using myself as an example, my college-aged friends and I literally referred to this period as, “chasing” or “putting in work.”

Editor’s Note: If you’re like the psychologist from the beginning of Baby Boy whose narrative explored the unspoken meaning of words behind black men referring to their home as “the crib” and their friends as “boys,” you might take a moment to reflect on the meaning behind the various slang terms men use to opine on their feelings toward any given number of actions. Above, we referred to approaching women as “work” in one instance, even though many women think approaching women is easy and men enjoy doing so. This is not necessarily the same viewpoint men have of the action, but we recognize it is a necessary evil as a means to an end – meeting women. As another slang term goes, “a close mouth doesn’t get fed.” However, when’s the last time you referred to a hobby you enjoyed as “work”?

Since we didn’t have much to offer women in the form of drinks and other material purchases (a nice way of saying we were broke), we had to find a way to get women to find us interesting, worthy of their time & phone numbers, and worthy of their companionship by using some form of persuasion that didn’t involve significant monetary expenditures. Compare your younger observations with a club; lounge; or happening spot where marriageable-aged people frequent. Of course, if the atmosphere of places where you hang out isn’t noticeably different from when you were closer to 21 versus 31, then you might want to re-evaluate some other areas of your life. No judgement!

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Click over to page 2 to see how men’s actions and expectations change over time.