You get a F, and not in a good way!

For year’s I’ve heard of the infamous “Bad D*ck Report”. The assessment that women provide friends upon inquiry of a gentleman in which their friend holds interest. Men have feared getting this report, even more than appearing on An appearance on this list mean that women deem you bedroom incompetent. No matter your success level, personality, or character, women will steer clear of you, they will tell a friend to tell a friend, and the BDR will Ja-Rule your dating career. Well, men, I say “no more”! It’s time women know that we have similar reports on their sexual prowess. Allow me to introduce the BPR – The Bad P*&^y Report. Ladies, the following issues will earn you a spot on this infamous list:

Loose P – If I can scream inside your vagina and hear echoes that reverberate like Diddy adlibs, you officially have Loose P. I’m talking that chocha that has me scared when I enter a woman because I think I lost my strombone in there! That P that archaeologist go spelunking inside to find lost treasures and civilizations. Dudes will list this as a primary offense on a BPR. Loose P may denote an egregiously high number of partners, excessive frequency of sex, or she’s like 20-30 years your senior, but that’sNASTY another blog. Men won’t get theirs inside a rabbit hole like that, and will advise their peoples to steer clear! This differs from the warm, squishy goodness of wet P, which feels like vaginal Nirvana. Women who have this blessing, I love you, unconditionally.

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Crazy P – This one poses an interesting conundrum. Crazy P can be either the biggest mistake you ever make, or greatest sex you ever have. I can’t prove scientifically the correlation between weirdness, genuine stalker-esque qualities, and clinical insanity, with excellent sexual performance, but men have known for years that crazy chicks can put it on you! When you see a dude who stays in relationships where shorty hacks his accounts, busts windows out his car, fights chicks who smile wrong at their man, and whose threatened his life, blame it on the pum pum. For all of that woman’s crazy sh*t and psychotic nature “quirks”, she can suck a good d*ck and can hook a steak up (c) B.I.G.probably blows his mind in the bedroom! I personally can’t do crazy women. I value my life and well being too much, but for dudes who walk on the wild side, consider this a red flag and proceed with caution!

Smelly Cat:


When talking about the Pum Pum, I offer no leniency for inexcusable odors. Yes I understand that certain situations (sex after a party or after a long day) could produce natural odors like sweat. That’s cool. Lord knows women deal with our smells. However, the LAST thing I want to smell when I work my way to the promised land is the South Street Seaport! One young lady’s odor hit me like a right cross from Mike Tyson and a sledgehammer shot to the skull by HHH , but I still hit anyway! I understand that your vagina’s aren’t odorless, but it’s rude, inconsiderate, and unsanitary to walk around with smelly cat!

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Brain Damage – Bad head should be a felony crime in the continental United States. I don’t ask for head, but if you offer, I expect excellent customer service. Women will destroy a dude for improper cunnilingual intercourse, so the standards must be equal! This one time, at band camp , the head was so bad that I watched an entire quarter of a Knicks game, while dropping the usual “mmm that feels good”,  “oooh”, and “go slower/faster”. I actually had a paper due and tried to devise a way to type while she wasted her time. Ladies, you can’t give Skydome if the roof is leaking, nor can you drop knowledge if you’re stupid. It’s A-OK if you don’t want to do it, but a personal foul if you’re terrible.

Lame Duck – We exchange numbers, facebook pages, and IM contacts. We text and talk for a few days. She tells me how she will break me in two, rock my world, and have me begging for mercy. I get her into the bedroom, and give her a chance to put my D her money where her mouth is, and what do I get? The lame duck. If I could get more sensation from humping the bed than I can from her, then it’s time to call it quits. Now, I’m not asking for women to fake it, or act out their favorite porn scenes ..unless you gonna do it, but is it asking too much for an interactive experience? Dudes will expose chicks who just lay there and do nothing. No screaming, moaning, or movement. If you have to look down to see if shorty is still alive, then she’s lame and needs to get reported!

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Women, I already know you will claim that dude delivered the Limp Bizkit to these women, but we must admit that some of y’all, whether you’re shy, scared, or just have a bland personality, just don’t convey sexual pleasure to a man well. If you give the dude verbal, and nonverbal signals on how he’s doing, you can get a 10 times better experience. We drive the whip, so become our GPS and we’ll come to our destination accurately and safely, without fear of misdirection.

Bad sex should be a crime punishable by Water Boarding (No Bush/Condi/Cheney) or Canning (No Singapore Justice). Let’s work towards reporting these offenders and making the Streetz safe for the sexually law abiding citizens of this great nation. Fellas, did I leave anything out? Ladies, are any of these claims unfair? Let me know!