Editor’s Note: A few members of the SBM team have begun contributing their thoughts on dating and relationships to the popular website, Madame Noire. This week I was asked to answer the following questions: Why do men send signals that make a woman think she’s more important than she is i.e introducing her to his parents. Why do men do that? Is it that they really don’t think it’s a big deal or is it part of some sort of strategy?
DECEITFUL MEN
A deceitful man will do whatever it takes to get what he wants. The question above asks, “is it part of some sort of strategy” to make a woman think you like her more than you really do. The answer is yes and no.
You don’t have to be much of strategist to make a woman think you like her more than you do. Assuming she even asks, all you have to do is answer her questions correctly. In most cases, there are no questions to answer. If all date plans seem like boyfriend and girlfriend activities, most people think there isn’t anything to clear up. In other words, these men usually deceive through the absence of truth rather than outright lying to you.
This is how a man can strategically end up on a completely different page than the woman. These type of men use the absence of evidence – having never committed to you through words despite their boyfriend-like actions – as the evidence of absence. Further, if someone is going to lie to you even when you openly communicate with them, then what good will talking do? Liars lie, which is why it’s key to point out the subtle differences between deceitful and honest men.
HONEST MEN
As a man, I admit I usually give men the benefit of the doubt. I’m not saying I’m right, but I don’t think most men are out to purposely hurt women. That said, even the actions of “good men” hurt women all the time. You see, even if a good man is considerate enough to tell you the truth upfront, I still imagine having him not feel the same way you feel is no better than having a deceitful man not feel the same way. Poison is poison no matter who gives it to you, but at least in one scenario you know what you’re being served.
Honest men try to strike a balance between doing right by a woman and getting what they want from that woman (sex, relationship, friendship, or whatever). These two goals don’t always align. For example, even a good man might only want sex with no strings attached. The key difference is that an honest man will explain his intentions upfront and at least give the woman an opportunity to agree or disagree to the terms of engagement.
As the relationship progresses, the man might notice that the woman is starting to catch deeper feelings than the original agreement. This is where most men choose to feign ignorance because…read more.
What are your thoughts SBM readers? Do men more often purposely or accidentally mislead women?
If you want to know why men mislead women on purpose.
Read this: Curse of the Good Black Man
Then read this classic by Max: Yes Being a Good Guy Means You Have to Wait for Sex
I think for the most part we understand that love, getting s*x and relationship for 90% of us, is warfare, deceit, trickery… And if honesty worked, most of us would use that tactic.
FIN!
That's a bit bitter. Perhaps I'd agree that dishonesty is an effective (not GOOD, because deceit isn't good, unless you mean in the "Vampire in Brooklyn" type way) tactic to get sex, but to be in love or a relationship? Is that what's hot in the streets? Count me out, lol. Glad I've never been a cool kid.
So let me get this straight, you have to lie in order to acquire something substantial? This might sound a bit cliche' but I believe that if you have to lie in order to obtain then the probablity is high that it wasn't yours or you weren't mean to have it.
I'd say purposely in the sense that we act naive sometimes. We still fool around with exes we have no intention on getting back with, we mindlessly flirt, we know we reached a climax in a relationship and prolong the inevitable. It's not directly deceitful as we're only making the most out of a situation but sometimes the honest, good guy has to be villain. Women will complain anyway, if you leave on a Wednesday she'll say you strung her alone since Monday. Its part of the territory; one is always going to feel hurt, ask Orlando Magic fans.
My recent post Today’s Word is… SORRY
I assume ALL men are deceiving me. I assume everyone is deceiving me. I operate on me.
I will say though, I've said it before on this site, I don't think men intentionally hurt women. I think hurt is a natural byproduct of being used as a support system….thinking you're meant for the ultimate purpose and then having the reality thrown in your face that you aren't and never were. I really think men create these little emotional worlds for us that make it easier and then when the world ends it's…ow. I sorta think over the course of a male's development women will be needed to support him and love him and be there for his pleasure and allow him to learn valuable lessons in life and gain necessary interpersonal experience. That doesn't mean he's going to marry you. It means there's more females to male and that's just what happens.
I don't think women see it that way. I think women assume they're a good wife and mother without knowing just how far they are from being a matriarch and end up getting hurt by the truth. That's why I like honesty from the git go. Just tell me I have a nice a*s. Don't pretend like my a*s is worth an international road trip. Don't pretend like I did a full spin and now we're getting married. I actually kinda like the vulgarity of need and desire but only when it's raw honesty. SInce it isn't, I consider all men to be scary and deceitful.
I actually feel kinda weird now…even if a guy IS being deceitful just….protect me for a little bit. I feel touchable. because I'm tired. I feel like hiding behind someone. Can you make like…a GOOD lie? PLEASE mislead me. I don't think a truthful man exists but I'll be damned if I don't get as close as possible to it before I tap out, smh.
Now that I think about it….
I'm actually misleadng as a woman. I'm actually really nervous around men so I'm like, in order to be safe…I have to make myself completely unattractive. I have to put on some weight. Dress like I have absolutely no fashion sense. Turn my accomplishments ALL the way up. Always talk about marriage like I'm a slave driver. and to top it off? Have the worst attitude known to mankind. Be everything men fear; that way, men don't see a passion fruit who they can command to be dominated, they see a walking detterent. I have to make sure I remain undesirable until I'm relatively close to my superior — so to speak. I mean, you can't really get higher than me. I'm a Goddess. I'm just saying…I have to find the right guy to hide behind while I take off my costume and make sure no one else peaks. Clearly, I have to be strategically misleading.
I thought I was the only 'freak' who did this. I do it almost every time without even realizing. Defense mechanism? The more unattractive and undesirable I can make myself initially, the better. My gosh, that sounds insane.
"I have to find the right guy to hide behind while I take off my costume and make sure no one else peaks"
Love this.
Lol I thought I was the only one who did that too, you’re not the only one but I do it in moderation though.
Laney we are in the same boat lol. I don't think it is weird though, do you dress unattractively all the time or when you get around the right group of guys you put on the good Fit?
I think men do know what they are doing, they just never think about the after effects of their manipulation. Or what potential damage could be done from their deception all they care about is what they want right then and there. They are pretty selfish in someways but they arent completely heartless beings; well they don't try to be.
I gotta cosign everything Alaska Hawaii just said. It’s like men have no empathy at all sometimes. It’s mind-blowing. Some of these guys make you fall hard, then when they are ready to move on they just make up some bullish. Then, you are looking around like WTF? Did that really just happen? They make you feel bad for actually falling in love with them.
And when you try to explain why your mind is blown to Mars, you get the whole I don’t know why you are tripping so hard. Like really? You just led me on for years wasting my fertile years when just about everything you said was a lie. Some of these men are straight up jokes.
Neither accidental or on purpose, I think men are just (way more) oblivious. And sometimes their oblivion runs parallel to nonchalance.
Regardless of how painful or poisonous the feeling of knowing the truth is; as in, he doesn't feel the same way about you, that woman will always have more respect for you in the end. She knows she can't harbor ill feelings if you were upfront about your intentions. It might hurt in the beginning, but honesty is still the best policy. ALWAYS.
Giving me life right now! Men are so used to women feeding the standard line "tell me the truth no matter what" and then flipping out once they get it that they're conditioned to taking the easy way out-LYING! I'd rather be hurt or suffer a bruised ego up front than waste time, energy and love down the line.
I think this is relative to the man. Some men do and some men don’t. The way to tell if a man is misleading you or not is to let him know exactly what you want, (and don’t want). Ask him honestly what he wants, and/or doesn’t want.
In defense of some real honest men, sometimes their is miscommunication because the ladies never ask the right questions, they assume.
Trust me I know from experience, all you have to do is ask, (the right way) and you will get honest answers.
I tried the honesty piece one time with someone who I just wanted a shot from. I told her right from day one, "this is all its gonna be…just sex". She agreed to it. After a couple of months of just having sex with me while standing on a downtown intersection she began to cry. I asked her what was wrong. She told me she just don't understand how I had no feelings for her, but I make such good love to her. (I'm not lying on my D, she actually said it.) And yea, I'm good like that. I don't do nothing else very well, but I know how to make love to a woman. Call it ego or whatever, but that's my curriculum vitae. I had to remind her about our first conversation, that she agreed to it. So I guess she heard what she wanted to hear. When I was in my twenties and thirties I would lie and skeem. I'm much older now and don't feel the need to lie. I guess I have to not do it so dayyyuum good. Maybe they won't feel mis-lead.
No words Sweetmack……No words.
You cannot accidentally lie. All lies are intentional.
yep
If a guy is saying things like "I want to spend my life with you", "You are an angel in my life"….I asked him what his New Year's Resolution was and he said, "To make you my wife".
And this piece of ish had another girl the whole damn time saying the exact same things!
Now this is an extreme case and is not a representation of all males. But THOSE were straight-up lies. It was not me hearing only what I wanted to hear or not asking the right questions. He was a liar just trying to get what he wanted. Which, btw, I don't know what it was.
Why do people in general need to be having sex with more than one partner at a time? If panties is what you want, that's fine. Why do you need to have a different girl every damn week?
MEN CANT LIVE WITH OUT THEM CANT LIVE WITH THEM LOL I WAS DATING THIS GUY FOR 2 MONTHS AND I SAID FROM SQUARE ONE LETS JUST STAY FRIENDS EVEN IF WE HAD CONNECTION, FIRST DATE HE KISS ME, HE TOLD A BUNCH OF BS FROM HIS LIFE AND PASSED LIFE. I DID PAY ATTENTION TO EVERYTHING HE WAS SAYING, HE ASK DO I GET ANOTHER DATE AND I SAID YES … WE HAD 6 DATES WE WAS GETTING ALONG JUST FINE IT WAS ALL GREAT! UNTIL HE WENT TO FISHING TRIP WITH FRIENDS FOR WEEKEND, HE CAME BACK SAYING I DIDNT HAVE MY PHONE WITH ME I AM SORRY. TELLING THE STORY OF THE FISSHING TRIP WITH OUT ME ASKING ANYTHING ABOUT IT! THEN TELLS ME FEW HOURS LATER (WE NEED TO TALK AS SOON AS POSSIBLE) I KNEW SOMETHING WHATS UP, THEN HE SAIDS LETS MEET UP GO FOR DINNER AND TALK. CAME TO THE DAY OF NOTHING HE JUST DISSAPEAR DIDNT HEAR FROM HIM UNTIL MOTHERS DAY , HE SAYS HEY YOU I JUST WANT TELL YOU THAT THINGS BETWEN US WONT WORK AND HE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND IT WONT BE GOOD IDEA FOR HIM TO HAVE A SECOND PERSON IN HIS LIFE RIGHT NOW, CUZ HE HAS LIST OF THINGS BEFORE HE GETS WITH SOMEONE, HE SAID ALSO HE WAS SORRY FOR MISLEADING ME. AND THAT MAYBE IN FUTURE WE CAN MAKE THINGS HAPPEND. AND THAT WAS IT TO THIS.