****** Admin Note ******
Today, we are bringing you the first SBM multi-site, male & female collaboration post!  This is history people!

The beautiful, intelligent, and eloquent Nicki Sunshine of Single Sister’s Speak Out is here to speak on the topic.



Picture this: you’re sitting on a couch, the lights are off, you’re supposed to be watching a movie but he keeps kissing you on your neck.  You’ve been on a few dates and you really like this guy but you’ve promised yourself you’d be strong this time… do it differently because optimally, you want to be taken seriously, you want a relationship.

But your body betrays you- the tingle in your stomach is getting lower.  He’s now laying in between your legs, trying to pull off your jeans.  In between kisses, you’re moaning, “No, I don’t want to do this,”  and he doesn’t stop.  You’re trying to fight it, but really you are not.  It feels too good. You whisper how you want to do it better this time, you want to wait. He whispers back, “we are both grown, this won’t change anything.”  Although you’ve heard it before, you think maybe this time is different.  You think, “Should I or Shouldn’t I?”


Nicki Sunshine

It’s my experience that allows me to say this over and over again, “If you want a serious relationship, wait before you start having sex.”   I’ve had two successful relationships in my lifetime, both great men, and I waited before having sex, however I have had numerous “attempts” that ended up in big ole FAILS.

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I believe these relationships were successful because we allowed ourselves time to explore all of the other good qualities that we had to offer before introducing sex.   We became friends first.

With the others, I believe sex was introduced too early which totally cut out the part where we “dated” each other.  Sex became the default activity; dinner- sex, movie- sex; dinner-movie-sex.   It always ended with us doing the horizontal polka (workcite: someone).

When I engaged in this activity, I found myself always on the shorter end of the stick. While I do hear there are women like Samantha Jones that exist in real life, I am not one of them.  I found myself continuing to have sex with these cats, and falling for them.  All the while they were just seeing me as a cool chick with the good-good.

When you have sex immediately, the chase is over. What does he need to chase with you already lying on your back? He’s already got it. And this point, it really doesn’t matter how funny/charming/smart you are.

Tuesday morning, I caught the tail end of Steve Harvey’s response to a woman’s “Strawberry Letter,” solicitation for advice.  I heard him say, that in his book, he offers his 90 day rule for women so we can feel a man out.  He states that initially men, pull out their hunting instincts and tell you FIRST, what you want to hear and SECOND, what will make them look good in our eyes….. And after that, THEN we get the truth.

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Value yourself; Janet Jackson said it best, “Let’s wait a while.”


First and foremost … F*ck Steve Harvey.

He’s an excellent comedian, a sharp dresser (although loud as hell), a fellow bald header, and a good radio host … but I don’t agree with his advice and the negative effects of his book will resonate throughout black dating well after he and his ghost writer have spent off the millions from the book deal.  I’m not for rules, lists, or regulations and I hear he is all about it.  For shame!

Now, with that being said.  Yes women … keep your legs close … for a little while!

Yes … I actually agree.  Shocked?

Holding out forever, and placing random across the board rules for when you smash him down (like this 90 day BS) isn’t the way to go.  It kind of turns sex into a commodity, you will be counting down the days until you can get that back broke, and you will most likely be looking more forward to the act and fits of ecstasy than the actual connection and forward movement with the relationship that is supposed to happen.

Personally, early puss has never led to me bunning a chic up.  It’s not so much that I don’t respect her, but now I’m more focused on the pum pum than the brain (no pun) that is attached to it.  And one very bad consequence … I stay involved with her.  Yes … this is bad, because I’ve often decided, for some unrelated reason, I don’t want her as a gf … but I want booty … so I leave “impress” mode and go into a “maintain” loop.  I call when I have to, I buy dinner when I have to, and the amount of cheap wine increases.

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So when should the draws hit the floor?  When you’re convinced her likes you for you, a sufficient number of real dates have occurred.  It should feel good, natural, you shouldn’t feel disrespected, and you should truly know he ain’t gonna dip the day after. Your judge should be actions … not days!

Also, please remember that there is oral and hand stimulation that will help curb the hunger, but can still give the desired end result.  Yes … you should be s*cking before you’re f*cking!

Basic rule of thumb (for women only) … wait until you feel ready … then wait another week (or 5 dates … whichever is shorter) to give him that special.

Oh … and if your a guy … beat early and often. Yeah, yeah … its a d


So, ladies … to answer the question: Give it up (you should) … just wait.  5th date D* is better than 1st date D* … and the same goes for the P*.

– SBM & Nicki Sunshine