I hatechu sometimes.

I have a love and hate relationship with my glasses. Well, it’s mostly hate when it matters and my eyes aren’t dry. Since college, I’ve been really particular about where I wear my extra set of eyes. If there’s a social function like a mixer or Straight Talk, No Chaser panel discussion where I’m live-tweeting and blogging going on, it’s contact lenses. If I’m with the fellas or at home and a chick(s) are coming over, it’s contact lenses. If I know that I’m going to be coming home late at night or the following morning after I’ve reattached my arm, it’s contact lenses.

To try to take pictures of me wearing my lazy eyes could certainly be the beginning of your end depending on how well I know you. People will never see me post a picture or avatar of myself wearing the two-toned Kliik frames despite the fact that some women think they’re moderately fashionable. I’d rather upload a photograph of me with sleep crust and dried spittle around my mouth than expose Slim Jackson in specs to the world.  And since some of you may be wondering why I’m so avidly against wearing my glasses when it counts, here are 5 reasons:

Genetic Inferiority

If women look at men to see the potential to have “heighty” children with good hair, then they’re subconsciously or consciously considering genetics. Glasses put me behind the 9-piece, straight 8-ball. And when God has already spent a little less effort on my appearance compared to the gentleman whose parents were in perfect position when seed hit egg, I have no choice but to mitigate all obvious defects as much as possible. I don’t wanna marry Bertha. Sometimes glasses make me feel like I’ll have no choice.

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Decreased Perceived Attractiveness

This is less about genetics and more so about confidence. Unlike the size 15 chick that squeezes into the 9, I have a pretty good grasp of when my baggability quotient is at its highest. And when I’m with specs, I’m bound to get less sex. Plus let’s be honest, looking smart (in glasses) doesn’t always translate to looking cool. Women in the age range I typically target want cool. Anything to the contrary is a four-eyed lie. Therefore I wanna look cool before a chick speaks to me and actually realizes I’m cool. That “you’re much more…than I expected” sh*t is for the birds. Ya feel me? Cool. **Rides off on a motorcycle.**

Her race and his hair aren't important here.

Increased Likelihood of Robbery

When it’s 3am and I’m desperately trying to get home from the train station, I don’t wanna look harmless. I wanna fulfill as many threatening stereotypes as possible. Both hands go in my coat pockets, the hat comes down to just above my eye lids, and I walk with a gait that basically says “I dare one of you muthaphuckas to try me.” Glasses would turn the invisible guns in my pockets into a blackberry and old receipts. Glasses magnify an otherwise hidden astigmatism enough to let the hood know there’s a deer in the field.

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More Items to Remove Before Coitus or Get Lost During Coitus

I hate having to reach for my face before turning into Hot Lips O’Houlihan. If I don’t, then it’s more probable that my glasses will get smudged or I’ll make some nasally sound when I get turned on. It’s also awkward to beast butt-naked with just glasses (and a trojan) on even though I’d be the smartest effer she knows. I’d much rather just wear socks (and a trojan) if anything. And if you’ve ever lost your draws behind the bed or in the covers, imagine me losing my glasses and discovering they’re wedged in the crack of her ass when she’s sashaying her way to the bathroom.

Enhanced Asymmetrical Photographic Face

They add 30 pounds to my face and make me look lopsided.

So yeah. If I’m hanging around you in my glasses in non-work situations, know that it means I’m comfortable with you at the very least and that I really like you at the most. Casually wearing glasses around a woman can be my equivalent of giving up the last piece of fried chicken. So if I’m dealing with you in coke bottles and suddenly start wearing my contact lenses only around you, it means I’m probably about to kick you out of my life for good or I’m just tired of the imprints on the sides of my nose. Either way, put that phucking camera down.

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What do you think about glasses? Do you have things that you just won’t wear out the house or around people? Are there things people say you look decent in, but you just don’t agree? Other thoughts?

I’d Rather Walk Like a Mummy Than Put These On Sometimes,